Another Step Forward

(This is my sweet, beautiful daughter- after a jam-packed Zumba class last night!)

I keep pushing pushing pushing pushing....  I have stepped out of my comfort zone so many times in the gym and done things I would never have seen myself doing before.  I find myself liking me here and there for a few minutes at a time.  It's a very new sensation, and when I realize I'm doing it, well it makes me uncomfortable so I go back to my usual self-hate mode, but for just a minute, I sort of mentally "bask" in the good feeling.  :)  I'm definitely changing, I think mostly for the better! :)

So, last night was Friday night Zumba time, but our usual Friday instructor was absent and there was a very well-known, very liked instructor subbing.  His class was PACKED like I can't describe.  There was hardly room to move, and when my daughter & I arrived we couldn't find a place to go except to literally force/squeeze/push our way up in the front- RIGHT. SMACK. IN. FRONT.

As in, kiss this mirror hello, front of the class kind of front!
An "oh my word I'm going to throw up" kind of front.
The you can't hide from the teacher or the class kind of front.

I HATE being in front- always have even as a little kid in school.  I was always the tallest and felt like I stuck out a million miles away, so I've always been the one trying to hide at the back of the room, in the corner, please just don't notice me, call me out, or draw any attention to me kind of person.  Add to those feelings I already naturally have my huge size, well you can understand how I just try to hide in the back of Zumba classes.

 Then there's the mirror.  Well, we won't even go there. :)  I usually try to avoid looking in the mirror every bit of every class.  Eyes on the instructor the whole time or down at my feet- focus on the music, the rhythm, the steps, counting, looking/feeling the patterns of the music and steps....

Last night I could not help but look in the mirror.  It was not the most pleasant experience being up front in a room filled with people almost hip to hip deep staring at the large person I am, but I did it. With a room full of much more fit, agile, young, hip, pretty people, I danced my way awkwardly and self-consciously through some awesome music.   Part way through class I realized what a big step I had just taken for myself, and I felt a little seed of pride deep down inside. :)  Wow, this girl.... she's changing a lot!  She's definitely changing.