whew, i'm just not that smart!

today was the first face-to-face session for my new class- a geometry course. i knew that being geometry it might be a bit more challenging... i am the only teacher in the cohort who has been solely a lower elementary teacher and i have forgotten sooooo much geometry!!!! i felt so stupid and was the only one who was not understanding/remembering some of the stuff they were all talking about. i sat there several times thinking, "oh, i know that i learned this in high school..." or "oh, wow i used to know this..." but that knowledge is lost in some deep recess of my mind that has been locked so long it's rusted shut. :) then the prof gave us this "talk" about how we were graduate students now and it was time we started reading/writing/being more intellectual, yada yada yada... i'm just not that smart!!!

this course will end at the end of april/beginning of may, then we will start two courses at the beginning of may while we are entering one of the most crazy busy, stressful times of the school year! on top of the already stressful things going on at work, it's going to be a very interesting 2nd semester. i have to make some decisions about what i'm going to do after this program in the next couple months as well. if i'm going to go ahead and finish my master's degree, then i have to apply this spring and take the gre (which TERRIFIES me!!!).

then there's the whole job hunt thing too. praying for wisdom about all that too. resumes are going out this week!

i came home and my brain is just totally fried. i have managed to redo my lesson plans for this week (that's a whole 'nother Oprah!). i still have paperwork to do for the tutoring company, but to be honest i'm thinking about putting it off. i haven't even gotten paid yet. if they don't get me a paycheck soon, i'm going to quit and look for a tutoring job elsewhere. after working for them since the beginning of December, i think i should have a check, don't you?

well, i'm dead tired. it's been a long week. i hope this one quiets down.

Proposition for God

So it's Friday night and I'm reading some boring, dry math stuff for my class tomorrow.

So I have 30 pages to go and I am telling myself, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

So God, um, how about this? I will read the 4 page article with bigger print, and You can do the 20 something page with tiny print that's got lots of big words... ???? Deal???


hahahahahah, I crack myself up sometimes. Hope I make God at least grin once in a while. :)

Night all, back to the work. Tomorrow will be grad class from 8-3:30.

Ponderings of the Heart

I've asked these questions many, many times before over the time I've been a teacher. This is nothing new. But the intensity of the sorrow I am feeling I think might be more than I've ever felt before. Maybe it's just the lousy school year, the stress, my age, or hormones contributing to my feelings, I don't know. But the questions, I think, are good despite the emotions, I think. ???? And whether they are good or not, I am still pondering and asking....

Why God? Not why do bad things happen to me (as I have been guilty of selfishly asking before). But why did You bless me with so much in life? Why did you give me a safe home, parents who loved me, parents who taught me about You from birth, parents who never mistreated me, who always took care of my needs and never neglected or abused me? Why did you give me a stepfather who took me in and loved me as his own, who didn't abuse me or mistreat me? Why did you give me a good, loving, God-loving husband (yeah, I know I asked for that one in prayer) who has stuck through the hardest times with me and never left me, cheated on me, abused me, or stopped loving me? Why did you give me three great kids who love their parents, honor and respect them, are usually, most of the time, obedient and now trying to live for You? Why jobs? Why a nice home? Why food on my table? Why an education? Clean water and disease free living? Why me here in America where I am safe from famine, wars, genocides, starvation?

I mean, yeah we've had our share of "bad" things too. We've gone through unemployment, no food to eat, almost being homeless, almost losing our marriage and love for each other, serious health issues with the kids, sicknesses, money problems, credit problems... Yet, Rob and I have still hung on to each other. And now, today, I sit and blog on my own laptop in my own home. Right now, Rob and I are facing some serious money issues, yet I am still making payments on two vehicles and a house, things I thought were impossible even three or four years ago. My momma lost her husband; my sister and I, our daddy. We were, for whatever reason, separated from a whole family for years. We saw dysfunction on all sides and the hurt that it caused. Yet, we were loved and have turned out okay (well mostly :) haha).

But when I look at what's happening in the world, when I see the horrors of wars, famines, genocides, nations and cultures crumbling around their citizens' feet, earthquakes that destroy lives by the thousands.... I want to ask "Why me God?" I don't even have to look that far either. Right here in the "God bless America" nation of our own, when I look at the children's lives that Rob and I see each day, I have to ask again, "Why me God?" Why was I born to the parents I was? Why was I born into a nation that gives its citizens so many freedoms? Why was I given the opportunity to grow into a healthy child, to be loved, to be free, to get an education, to have clean water and grow up in a disease-free environment, to have books and learn the love of reading?

I know that the Bible says God is no respecter of persons. I know that I've always thought God doesn't play favorites. I know there is more, so much more to life, than material blessings, but I am really talking about so much more than the stuff I could accumulate here. I know the Bible says that "to him who much is given, much is required." I would say that I am one to whom much was given, but why does God give more to some and less to others? Why? I want to know. Why was I chosen as one of those who would get more? I'm so very undeserving of it. Truly, I am. I know it, God knows it.

I wish I understood these things. Everyday, I try to live up to the "requirement" for what God has given me, but I wish I understood. It's so hard to take some days, coming home to all the good that God has given me when I know that just down the road are little ones who are going home to a family/home where there may not be food for supper or where there may be food but the parent, for whatever reason, may not cook any. It's so hard to come home and hear Rob talk about a student who is being made fun of because he has no way to wash his school uniform, or hear his hungry student stories, to know that many of his kids are involved in gangs and drugs and to think of the future (or not future) they may have, or to watch as students I have taught change in the older grades into tough, hardened students who will not be successful. It's so hard to see kids hoard food and know that the little I can do is still not enough or to hear a child say "I wish you were my mom," and feel your heart breaking as you hug them and know that you would take them in but can't. Some kids literally haunt my heart. I see their faces and the pain in their eyes, and I think I always will. Did I do any good? Did I really do anything that will really help them survive abuse, neglect, hunger, danger or help them become the human beings God planned for them to be?

God it's an ugly, ugly world we've made- from a beautiful thing you created. It just seems to me it gets uglier and uglier as we go. We humans are ruining everything. God my heart is breaking, and I am tired. I am so thankful for all you have given me, please don't take me as anything but grateful. I just don't understand Your ways. I know the suffering that is on the planet isn't You, it isn't Your will. I know it is the evil that man brings- wars, diseases and all that garbage. I know natural disasters are just a part of this fallen world. But God, how can You stand it? How can You even bear to look down here and see all the suffering that is occuring throughout the world? Why do some have to suffer so much? I mean just look at Haiti. God isn't it enough that they have little/no clean water, that they are a horribly poor country, that there is so much civil unrest already there, that they are hit by hurricanes? Why did they have to have this on top of it all? Rwanda, Somalia, Sudan, Uganda... Why God?

I could just not look at the news or read about what is happening in the world. I could just turn my eyes and focus on my own happy little life. Though that might be better for my mental health, I don't want to do that. I don't want to be self-absorbed. I want to care and to do some good, but God what can I really do? How am I supposed to solve all these problems? I can't. Only You can. But God what am I to do? They're only children, helpless children, who can't solve their problems either. I mean I love on them for You, like You've told me to. So does Rob in his own ways. But God the simple love we can give (a hug, an encouraging word, a little food, washing a student's clothes, school supplies...) can't fix all this garbage. It can't fix dysfunction, can't help a child grow up to be a happy, healthy adult. Your love can, but I am so limited in what I can do. Teaching kids to read, write, do math, understand history and loving them while we do it, is that really all there is? I'm so confused God, so confused. Please help me to understand.