A Gift

I must have a gift for upsetting people. In the past three weeks I've had three people unload a lot of anger, frustration, hurt at me, and I continue to never know if I will upset or offend those I work with or not on a daily basis.

I've decided that I must have a knack, a gift, or special talent for upsetting people. The thing that bothers me most is that I haven't tried to hurt people, didn't intend to, deliberately or sneakily try to say or do anything, and wasn't even aware that what I had said or done did offend until I got nasty emails, voice mails, or told off in person or behind my back and within earshot. Maybe I've got some subconscious thing going on where I really am an ugly person who means to be hurtful and mean.

Yesterday was my final straw- I left the cafeteria in the middle of setting up for our Mothers' Day Tea and went to do my paperwork to take leave. Stuck it in my boss's hand and told her "I've had enough for one week. I've been sent an ugly email and just yelled at all before 7:15. I'm done for this week. I'm going home." And I did take a half day and went home to be me and a mom for Barbara.

I must be a real witch just hiding behind my pretend smile and kind face. I am really going to re-evaluate the person I am because I'm tired of people telling me off via email and tired of being told how ugly a person I really am.

Yeah, it's back to that Momma. I don't like me again, and to be honest, right now, I don't like people (in the adult form at least). I'm tired of everything!

Robert's Concert video clip

I've got a longer clip, but am having trouble uploading it. Here is a short clip of last night's band concert. Robert is sitting on the end of the second row from the right.

The First of the Lasts...

I've been recording some of the firsts of Robert & our family lately- his first election, our first senior pictures, and such. Well tonight marked the first of my "lasts." My last band concert with my oldest child. I was a bundle of emotions- from prouder than proud to happy, sad, nostalgic, and more than I could probably even recognize or name.

It's been a long time since we took that young boy to pick out an instrument. From that night when he tried out several and settled on the french horn. From the time when he had his first band concert, and I was so proud of his rough notes and grinned in understanding at his nerves (though he wouldn't admit it then and probably not now). From all the nights and all the concerts and contests. I look back now and think about how hard it was, financially, to provide that horn- a used one at that- for him, but it was a gift I wanted to give my kids, a talent I wanted them to explore.

Where has time gone? How is it possible this chapter in my life is about to end and another begin? I know the next one will be just as good or even better, and I know I will enjoy watching it unfold before my eyes just as I have loved almost every single moment of this chapter in my life. It's not that I'm sad or afraid of the future; I look forward to all that God may bless us with in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. It's just that I really realize that this time in my life is almost over. No more little ones who need a mommy. It's a bit of sorrow for the times I let slip by me, the moments that I might have missed, the opportunities now gone forever. There are so many things I wanted to do with my kids, things & experiences I wanted to share with them, lessons I should have taught them better, examples I should have set, things I did that I wish I could undo. They're not regrets, but almost.

I know I will adjust to this new part of my life and love it as much, and hopefully even more. I look forward to knowing my children as adults and, I pray, as friends. I look forward to watching them start their own lives, make the big decisions, establish themselves in the adult world, touch lives through their work and ministries, start their own families, add to my life more daughters and a son and grandchildren. But, right now, I'm so not ready to let go of this last page of this chapter. I am going to savor these last few lines before I must turn the page. I am going to read this ending very slowly for it will help me look forward to the next one in my life.

God, I am so very thankful for Your allowing me to be the mommy that I always wanted to be. I can never thank you enough for my children and all the joy and love they've given me, the lessons they've taught me, the happiness and wonderful memories I hold dear in my heart. Help me to savor them, but not hold onto the past. Help me to let go now and release these precious ones back to You who gave them to me for a short time. Keep them in You always and help them to grow closer to You and to rely on You always.

Robert's 1st Election

My baby voted yesterday- his first time!

Forgiveness and Grace

My prayer tonight is from another song I love,

"Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace. I need You, need Your help. I can't do this myself. You're the only one who can undone what I've become."

Today I was not what I should have been. I am angry and hurt and disappointed in a student who lied and half-truthed about me and a family member who called me and very angrily insisted, more like demanded, on my explanation as well as accusing me of treating this child unfairly. I feel very betrayed especially knowing how much love I have given all my kids, including this student. Knowing that I had shared my heart for children with this person so I thought she knew how I felt about my kids- all of them. Knowing, though only Rob & Kristen knew this before, how much of my own personal money I spent to buy this particular child (and not the others) books to be able to continue her reading since she has surpassed my own classroom library. Knowing how I am the only teacher who does a "class store" and the money someone is upset with me about was my own money given freely to my children from my own purse and bank account... I could go on and on, but I shouldn't.

Today, that child thought she could misbehave and I wouldn't discipline her because of the angry phone call I received yesterday. She pushed every button she could today and looked to see if I was watching and what I would do about it.

I am also tired of feeling like I'm supposed to bring grade level together or that it's my fault if it is not. I'm tired of feeling like the odd duck in the group. I'm tired of feeling like a failure because I am different than my coworkers. I don't think I'm something special or better than anyone else, I'm just me trying to be me and be my best- not better than them, just better than I was a day ago or a week ago.

I am just hurt and tired and angry. Some days those hugs and love just almost don't make up for the rough side of teaching. Thankfully, though, I got a hug from the child from whom I would have least expected it, and it came at just the right time. I'll think on that, pray that prayer up above, and ask God to help me to forgive, turn the other cheek, and be able to go in and do my job tomorrow. I'll pray for the family member who is angry with me too, though that is hard.

Flower Beds- Beginnings

We've been working a little bit here and there to make some improvements in the yard where we rent and live. This weekend, the boys, Rob & I put in a lot of work all helping out. Here are some photos of what we did. We've never done this much anywhere we've lived, but thanks to some unexpected money for being a cooperating teacher, I was able to buy some pretty plants, and we "went to town." Here are some beginning photos of our house and flower beds. I'll put some more up later.


And one other MAJOR accomplishment for me- I only feel slightly guilty spending my money on this and not something else we could have used or more practical. It was so nice to do this! I don't think I've ever spoiled myself like that before! :)



The front of the house has hanging baskets with one of my favorites- fuchsia! I made the window boxes I found at Walmart for $6 each just porch boxes and planted impatiens in them. Then in the flower bed in front of the house there are: hostas, false indigo in purple & yellow, more impatiens, a single fern that we planted last fall which survived the winter and the squirrels, Irish moss, blue star creeper, Aztec grass, and a few petunias. I painted my rusted plant stand and put my houseplants back out for the summer too now that the colder night air is definitely gone!


Matthew wanted an herb garden, so here is his patch. He planted basil, thyme, peppermint, and two lambs ear that I gave him too. I LOVE lambs ear. Plus in the center is the lavender I planted last year. In the extreme drought we've been under it died off, and I thought it was just money I'd wasted, but to my surprise last week, I went back and found it had survived after all and was growing again! :) Oh, and we aren't sure, but we think the stuff in the back is the chives I planted last year too. ??? We're waiting to see.

Okay, I'm turning into Pop. But that's okay. I had the boys help me split/move some hostas. We put hostas and impatiens by the shed in back in the small flower beds. Should be pretty this summer!

After close to three years here, I finally noticed that one of the big trees in the back yard is a tulip tree. In my defense, the branches are not down low enough to see and the blooms rest up on top of the leaves so they are hard to find. My kids had not seen these before. I was so excited to discover this bloom. It was on the only branch even close to my reach. Robert and I had to stretch a bit to get this photo.

I have a few more hostas to split and move. Robert, Matthew, and I will start a row of hostas and caladiums behind the house by the basement windows next. Then I've still got a flat of marigolds and petunias to plant out back. Plus Rob tilled up two patches for me to plant all my TONS of sunflower seeds. We're going to have a pretty yard this summer!

Irises

This was an iris in our yard last week right after a rainshower. When I was little, these were my favorite flower. I think it was our neighbor in Mitchell, but I remember someone had purple irises growing in their yard and I loved them!

I'm enjoying "picking" flowers with my camera. This way I can enjoy them even after they're done blooming and gone.

And Momma you will be getting this one for your book. :)