"Why Me?"- this is not what it sounds like

There is a beautiful Christmas song playing right now. It's supposed to be from Joseph's perspective asking God, "Why me? I'm just an ordinary man. Why her? She's just a young girl... Why here? etc. etc. etc. It made me think about all my blessings and the problems I've seen others face, even in my own family. I have asked God "why?" many times, and I know I'm not alone, but I decided to turn the "why" around because God could just have easily not answered prayers in the ways He has or He could have chosen a different path for my life. All would have still been God's work, but seriously, why does God work the way He does? I don't know, but I am thankful for all the blessings He's given me, all the times He's been with me in the hard times, all His help, His forgiveness.... So, really this is just a "reverse thank you list" between God and me.

God, why me?

• Why me? Why did you die for me? Why do you keep on loving me and forgiving me when you, alone, know how wicked and undeserving I really, truly am?
• Why did you bless me with Rob when I was only 16 and give us a good marriage?
• Why did you keep us married through some pretty hard times?
• Why did you give me three wonderful children?
• Why did you protect me and the unborn children I was carrying in through car wrecks, health problems, poor nutrition, etc.
• Why did you spare Matthew's life?
• Why did you allow me to be what I wanted- a wife, a mom, a teacher?
• Why do you allow me to see the hurts and wrongs in children's lives and be there for them and love them and be loved back most of the time?
• Why do you bless my daily work and allow me to be able to work with children and families?
• Why do you provide our daily needs?
• Why have you blessed us with a nice rental home?

God, I don't really understand why you have loved me at all, why you have blessed me with a wonderful family and a good marriage, or why you have taken care of me all these years. Sometimes it is especially hard to understand when I see others (friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, the homeless people I pass daily) who have lost children, had marriages fail, been through tough times. But I know You are with all of us who call on You, and I know You have been with me. I just want you to know that I am thankful for all that You have done for me. And I am so thankful that You would look down from above and see this very undeserving person and choose to be involved in my life. I'm grateful that you've helped in all the ways you have, and that even though I have had problems, too, You've never left me or forsaken me.

God, thank you for choosing me- even if I don't understand.

And, God,

Merry Christmas

Strange Conversation With the Boss

Yesterday, I had to talk with my principal about a "scenario" that might be a problem due to county policies and our sue-happy society. It has to be the most unusual conversation I've ever had with a boss before. Basically, I had to ask permission to use the restroom. :)

Now, Dawn, was very good about it, and pointed out to me that in many jobs you have to ask permission (factory work for one); we agreed thought that it didn't probably occur in any other "professional" job, She also commented that it was a real statement about what teacher working conditions are like when a teacher cannot even use the restroom in her own classroom without permission.

The only reason this came up is because I am back on the medicine I was supposed to be taking all along, but quit when school started because of this very issue. So, now I am back on it and I won't be able to "hold" it all day as I was doing before.

Lovely blog, huh? :) Just wanted to record this for future giggles or to ask myself, "Why on earth did you put that on your blog? :)

Smiles from me :)

My Trash Basket

Momma sent me a forward the other day, and as I'm home with an attack of vertigo lying here in the recliner with Barbara's school laptop, I finally took more time to look at it. It was a "cute kids' saying" type deal which I usually love.

This one really made me think after I laughed. Kids often speak the truth in ways so deep they don't even know. Makes me think of the saying, "...out of the mouths of babes."

• One particular four-year-old prayed,"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

How true this is. Lord help me to forgive the people who have put trash in my basket. And please help me to not be guilty of putting trash in others' baskets. I never really thought about it like this before. Instead of keeping junk around and being mad and hurt about stupid things and having to pray and ask God for help to forgive (which is okay too, I know), but maybe I could just start saying, "Oh look at that piece of trash someone dropped in my basket; I don't need that, let me just take it out of here..." I don't know, I'm probably just slow, but thinking about it like that, just really gave me a visual image. I can just see me nonchalantly and without anger just picking up some yucky thing someone said to me and tossing it aside without really having to take time to get mad. Like the next time someone stares at me or giggles when the fat lady walks by or a coworker is snide or gets offended at me or my teenagers get upset with me because I am being a mom and doing my job or about a million other countless things.

WOW, that is really, truly deep!!!!

Dizzy

I woke up in the middle of the night not feeling well. I stayed home today thinking if I slept and did nothing it might help. Now it's 10 something at night, and I'm so dizzy it's not funny. This morning I thought I ate something that didn't agree with me or had a little flu bug, but now I guess I know what it really is...

I have something called Meneire's Disease. It causes spells of vertigo, hearing loss, and assorted other issues. I've had it for a while, but it wasn't diagnosed, officially, until this past March. It's not much fun.

So here I sit, trying not to move much, holding my head as still as I can, waiting until I absolutely can't stand it anymore to get up and do everything I need to do at once. I am feeling terribly guilty about staying home from school today and knowing I shouldn't stay home tomorrow, but not wanting to drive or go to work feeling like this either. I've been doing better for a while now, just minor hearing problems that worsened from time to time and short spells of ear ringing/roaring that didn't last too long. But over the last couple months or so, I've been noticing more and more issues with hearing. I haven't heard my cell phone ring countless times. My kids get aggravated at me because they have to repeat themselves a lot with me. I can't hear a thing in the cafeteria unless you're sitting right in front of me or next to me and I still have to try to read lips or turn my head towards whoever is speaking, and I'm having troubles in the classroom and on the playground too. A lot of times I just try to act like I hear my coworkers or kids or students and try to figure out what's being said, on a time delay- sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't. Some of my coworkers don't understand and, to be honest, I don't think they even believe me. I laughingly told my principal I was going to get a Dr.'s note, but I'm wondering if I shouldn't do that.

When these "bad spells" happen, I struggle with wondering how I am going to do my job and drive and be a good mom and wife and live with these spells. When they ease up, it's bearable. Right now, though, I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach, my ears are hurting and ringing. I hate this!!!!!!!!!! I've been really trying not to say much about this to Rob, my family, my coworkers- I've said some I know- but I've tried not to let on how much trouble I'm having. I'm sick of me, and I know there's nothing that can be done anyway. If I'm sick of me, how much more is everyone else?!!!! Besides, everyone has their problems to deal with; no one needs to add mine.

So, God, it's me once again. You know I've got this dumb problem, and it's getting worse. My hearing is starting to really be an issue, and although it didn't bother me at first, the thought of having permanent hearing loss is bugging me a bit right now. And right now, I've got the vertigo big time. I need you to take care of this so I can get up and go to work tomorrow or if you want me to stay home and rest, then I need to not feel so guilty all the time about missing work. I don't really think I miss that much, but You know me- I always feel guilty about something, don't I? I'm a real piece of work, God. Bet You wonder about me a lot don't You. :) Hope I still make You laugh sometimes, though. I try to please You and be humorous to You too. I crack myself up sometimes, anyway. Does that count? :)

Good night God.