Expectations. We all have them. When they are met, it is a wonderful feeling- cloud 9, heavenly, top of the world, euphoric (that is a word, right?)... But when life doesn't match up to what we had expected or hoped, well that brings about a lot of feelings we'd rather not have.
The radio and television keep telling us this is "the most wonderful time of the year..." I am amazed at how many times I've heard the word "deserve" on commercials in just the last week. I deserve an 80" HD LED t.v. I deserve a Lexus, of course I do. I deserve a break today at McDonalds. (I know that's old, just couldn't resist throwing it in there too.) I deserve so many things I had no idea I deserved; it's amazing I tell you! I'm not harping against Christmas, buying gifts for people, or even trying to comment on the blatant commercialism of the season (though I suppose I could- I looked up that t.v. for curiosity's sake- $8,000 t.v.'s?????? Who'd a thunk it?)
What I am saying is this time of year is a mixed bag of emotions for many people. I am one of those people. I try really, really hard to fight it. I feel guilty about it because, well it's Rebekah- she feels guilty about almost anything. If you wanted to be rainy when it was sunny, or sunny when it was rainy, I'd apologize to you. :)
Every year, I feel the blues when Christmas is over, and I hate that. I love this time of year from October through Christmas- it's a wonderful feeling- all the beautiful colors of fall and then Christmas, the decorations around the house- 1st Thanksgiving and then the lights and colors and trees... I love the time with family, and baking with my kids, and the memories, sweet memories of my children growing up all these years and holidays with my parents and sister. I hate for that to all end. And Christmas, as we knew it all these years with young children, is changing. Our kids are starting their own lives and Christmas will change again. I know we'll grow to love the new Christmas traditions we'll start; it's just different having grown kids. I miss Charlie Brown and Frosty and Rudolph. I still watch them, but it's just not the same.
I struggle to ignore the homesickness for my family and "home" and the sense of loss of family that I had in all my memories from my childhood. I miss the family get-togethers with momma, daddy, my sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. That's part of life I know- people die, young ones grow up and have their own families, people forget, families have dysfunction, people move on and do what they have to do to survive....
So, the last couple years I am working really hard on my expectations of Christmas. I am asking God to help me remember what it is really about anyway- it's not about a tree or lots of wrapped packages under the tree. It's not the lights and decorations or a house that smells of cookies and breads. As much as I love a few people back in Illinois, Christmas isn't even about being with them. It's not about what I deserve in the sense of what the t.v. says. It is about what I DESERVE and the gift that was delivered long before I was a blip on God's radar screen.
I deserve a lot, and none of it good. We all do. But instead, God sent the greatest gift the world will ever know. The truly sad part of Christmas is that so many people don't know they have this gift. That's what should break my heart instead of me feeling sad because I don't have little kids eager to see the pretty tree or me feeling sorry for myself because I can't see my parents or be nearer to my family.
So, once again this year, I'm working on expecting different things this holiday. I expect to show and give love every day this month. I expect to see people smile as a result of the way I act. I expect to make other people feel good and laugh. I expect to find small ways to show Christ's love. I expect to love with all my heart. I expect to find God in new places that I might not have ever thought I would. I expect myself to find the good in bad things.
After all, as wonderful as this time of year truly can be, it is not necessarily the most wonderful time of the entire year. That's putting a lot on poor ol' Christmas. There's also Easter (what a truly wonderful reason to celebrate). There's spring with its new life and flowers and hope for fresh beginnings. There's summer- a time to relax, swim, go for walks, take vacation. There's fall with its gorgeous colors, crisp nights. There are anniversaries and birthdays- oh how I love to celebrate birthdays! There are lots of other days that have no special honor assigned to them that will be equally lovely because of the good things that may happen on them. Maybe it's putting an unfair burden on Christmas to expect so much from it. As wonderful as Christmas can be, it's just a day- a wonderful day- a day to remember the most important GIFT that ever was or ever will be given. But maybe God never intended all this other junk to be attached to His special day. I'm pretty sure He wouldn't say I deserve that big screen t.v. or a new car just because He was born 2,000 years ago. :)
I am challenging myself to give love away every day in honor of His birthday- but not just at this season- all year long. I am challenging myself to look for Him in the littlest of things. I found him too- yesterday morning when a lady cut me off on the highway and I didn't honk- I couldn't be sure, but I kind of thought maybe, just maybe, I saw Jesus out of the corner of my eye smiling at me and giving me a high five from the passenger seat of my car.
