The Unknowns

 I'm so not happy with myself.  I had been doing so well!  I feel like I'm just trying to hang onto the rope at this point.  Getting ready for the big day is taking everything I've got, and between being in pain, getting little to no sleep, and trying to get everything done I've fizzled out on where I was going.  I'm angry with myself and feel like I'm making excuses when I try to cut myself a little, tiny piece of slack.

I am scared.  People with their opinions of this surgery come out of the woodwork.  Last week it was our school nurse whose face and expressed thoughts clearly said I was being stupid to get this done- "Both knees???"  She didn't think I could hold myself up afterwards or would be able to move with both knees done at the same time.  A concern I am already thinking of.

I came home and almost cried, but don't really have time to do that either.  I hope I am doing the right thing.  Surely my doctor would not let me proceed with both if he didn't think I could do it.  I keep telling myself that.

And keep hanging in there.  I will get through this and back on the gym wagon the way I was.  I may have to modify what I do but I will get the last of this weight off.  I'm trying to be a bit more gentle with myself right now, trying.

I won't lie though, in the back of my mind, where I don't dwell because it won't do any good and there's just not time, I'm scared of all the unknowns.  Praying for no complications, no horrible pain, a speedy recovery so I can return to my job, to my normal life, to the gym, to my weight loss....  Praying for this to all work out even better than I can imagine.  And I'm trying to not think too much about the unknowns.

Sleep deprivation stinks

I was going to sit down and make myself write out some of my feelings, but at this point I'm so tired I don't think it would even make sense at all.  I have hit some serious sleep deprivation and am starting to have difficulties with my memory, thinking, and emotions.  Yup, the self-hate train has picked me up and whisked me away once again. :(

I hope that this will all start to improve soon.  One way or another I hope to get some rest soon.  Surgery is three weeks from today.  I would guess that will knock me on my back and force me to rest.  I just hope I can sleep at some point. Three more weeks of this is going to be awful.

Maybe that's all I need to say for now.  I'm exhausted beyond description.  My knees are deteriorating qiuckly and the pain is awful.  I have had to be out of the gym a lot lately because of so many medical appointments and trying to get everything done to be ready for surgery and company and doing things with my family.  That is making me feel like a failure BIG time too.

I'm just in a tiny bit of a mood I guess.  Trying oh so hard to not have a pity party.  I have no reason at all to pity myself.  I keep telling myself "Suck it up, buttercup."

So for tonight, that's all I've got.