Goals/Milestones

I hesitate to post this.  Some of it is silly, really silly.  Much of it is extremely personal.  Some of it I don't want to share with anyone; I want to keep some things to myself.  I don't expect anyone to understand some of these; they truly are corny I know.  But they are mine and they make sense to me.

As I started this journey I had lots of things I wanted to see/do/happen.  Some I thought could become reality.  Others I thought would be nice but didn't hold my breath.  Then there were some goals I wished for but didn't think I could do.  As I work my way to a healthier weight, some of these have happened, are close to happening or maybe will someday.  I'm also going to have to put some of these to the side or change my goals.  I'm learning to be okay with all of that too.  All the blue goals have been accomplished.

Specific weight goals-

• weigh less than 300 pounds
• long term- weigh less than 200 pounds
• lose 100 pounds
• Now I'm thinking about the possibility of me losing 200 pounds (that's a VERY recent thing for me)

Clothes-

• Drop ___ pant sizes
• Drop to a size ___
• Be able to close my jacket/sweater
• Buy new clothes because I have "ungrown" my clothes instead of outgrown
• Be able to buy clothes in a "regular person" store (Walmart, Target, Kohl's)
• buy new underwear (going to do that this weekend!) :)

Little things that you might not think of

• have my car door ajar light go off when I sit in the car instead of always being on because my big hips are in the way
• be able to fit into the chairs at the doctor's office
• be able to fit into public seating at the ballpark/theater/etc.
• someday be able to ride carnival rides with my niece and future grandkids
• be able to sit on the floor with my students again for storytime or to play a game

Exercise goals- Really, these are all things I have added as I worked with my trainer and realized that I could really do more than I knew!  I never even knew I could do a lot of this!

• be able to do 100 situps/crunches
• be able to do pushups
• be able to run (I have to let this one go due to serious arthritis and future knee replacements)
• being able to plank & side plank for more than 1 minute (who knew I could do that?)
• being able to workout in classes with other fit/more fit people & not be a total embarrassment to myself
• have some coordination
• dance with at least some level of decent balance/footwork/grace- not ever going to be amazing, but I'd love to not look a fool :)

"Motivation"

A while back someone told me, "Isn't it wonderful that you're finally motivated?" referring to my weight loss success.  I know it was one of those well-meaning kinds of comments, but it bothered me.  I can't speak for anyone else.  I only know my own history and where I'm trying to get to now.

Motivation- what is it exactly?  What is it not?

The dictionary says it is a lack of interest or enthusiasm in something.  The thesaurus lists these words as synonyms:  apathetic, indifferent, lazy, unambitious, uninspiring, unmoved.

While I won't lie and say I was motivated enough to stick with the hard times, my obesity was certainly not a result of me being apathetic, indifferent or unmoved.  I never lacked interest in being healthier.  To me the word "unmotivated" implies being lazy.  I am a lot of things, but I don't think lazy would be one of the words anyone who knows me would use to describe me.   I had three children in three years while I was earning my bachelor's degree and carried a good GPA too.  I have worked full & part time jobs and most of my summers "off" were spent working in daycares, babysitting, or tutoring.  I've served as Mom's Taxi for years and years and am always finding some project to do for someone; in fact my family teases me about how I can never just sit still and do "nothing" like watch t.v. or a movie.   I am always doing something- constantly!

I have always cared more than anyone knew about my weight, about being heavy/fat/obese/morbidly obese.  I have always wanted it to be different, to do something about it, to fix it, to be the thin person I once was.  I have tried many, many times to go to the gym, to walk, to change my food habits, to do all the right things I knew to do.  But when the hard times came, and they did, I couldn't find my way through it.  It was never about motivation, but more about discouragement and not believing in myself that made me lose step with the long-term goal.  It was more about putting everyone else first and myself not even making the list.

Now I've been working for eighteen months in the gym, the longest I've ever stuck with an exercise program.  It's part of my life now.  I could stop tomorrow; it wouldn't be that hard.  Life is busy for everyone, including me.  Going to the gym, sweating, working out, those things are not easy- whether you're fat or thin, in shape or out- working out is HARD WORK!!!!  I'll never be able to take a break from that.  I know this is a life long battle that I will have to stick with to maintain the successes I've had and the ones that are yet to come.

But the success I've had so far is not because I'm suddenly this wonderfully motivated person.  It's because day-in & day-out I keep exercising and doing what I need to do.  Some days I am motivated and want to go to the gym, looking forward to the good feelings I'll have and the pride I feel in myself.  Other days I have to make myself go to the gym because I know it's the right thing to do or because I can't let a day's laziness undo all my hard work.  I know that one day of laziness leads to two, then to three.....  My weight loss is because I work VERY HARD and put in a lot of time and effort.  I am dedicated to making changes and accomplishing my goals.  I guess that's what some people call motivation, but to me, it's not some cliche word.  It's a hard, effort-ful thing.  If it were only as easy as "just being motivated" everyone would lose weight!

Okay, I'm done with my soapbox for tonight.

R :)