random wednesday thoughts...

so much to do tonight, but here's a quick peek into my brain for today:

• turned in my last assignment for this semester's grad course- WOOHOO!!!
• have one week without grad school before the next two courses start- double WOOHOO!!!
• robert (our first "baby") graduates from community college on May 13- WOOHOO again!!!
• assessments have started already at school- please pray for good results for all the children at my school and for us teachers who may lose our jobs regardless...
• payday is in 30 hours- but who is counting?
• got to talk to my pop today- two times- so enjoyed our talk!
• parenting teenagers is fun, rewarding, challenging, and sometimes frustrating.
• my dear husband is working four jobs (three part time, temporary jobs plus teaching) right now and so tired. please pray for him to have strength and get rest in the midst of all that work. i miss him.
• trying to trust God and figure out how to pay our summer bills with no summer work for me and only Rob's one part timer this summer.
• thinking on how to do my own "Big Mama's Boot Camp" program to help a certain someone grow up and get with the program. :) hahahaha

that'll about do it for tonight. going to go do a little weeding and planting seeds and then tackle some school work. have a great rest of the week!!!

the kind of "Walk" I want to have

I need to start this journal entry with a disclaimer. Here goes:

I do not claim to be some wonderful person, or an excellent example of what a true Christ-follower looks like.

I have never been an all-trusting, "God is great all the time," "Praise God and pass the mustard" kind of Christian. My walk with God has been rocky at times. I've questioned Him and doubted Him and been angry with Him and told Him so too. I'm not proud of that, I'm just saying... I don't understand a lot of things. I tell Him. I ask Him things. I tell Him when I'm angry about the injustices I see or hurt for the lives Rob and I work with. I am honest with God- it may not be pretty, and I'm working on it. So far He hasn't struck me down or abandoned me. He hasn't given up on me yet, and for that I am eternally grateful. Maybe there is hope for me.

But may I be honest??? I have a hard time with people who are so spiritual that they aren't "real." I know that's wrong. God loves them, and is proud of them. I should love them too. Maybe those people are what I should be like. Maybe they have struggled too and have just reached a higher plane, and maybe someday I'll get there too. I just hope I NEVER forget where I've been. Never forget the hard times. Never forget how much hurt there is in the world. I'm afraid if I do forget these things I won't be any good to God or anyone else. I have no pat answers. I have no great advice to give. I have no great Christian-ese that I can share. All I have is the knowledge that God loves us- a LOT, and that He is always with us- even when it doesn't seem like it, maybe even more so then- and that is what I have. That, and a big set of shoulders and a pair of leaky eyes that will cry for people I know and don't know- even when I try to fight it.

So what kind of walk do I want to have?

Honestly, though it means pain sometimes, I want the kind of relationship with Christ that makes Him proud of me. And not on the easy days- anyone can say "Praise God" when the sun is shining and the coffee is good and the bills are paid.

I want to make Him proud of me on the worst days- when it's pouring rain and I have a broken umbrella, when I lose my job and can't pay my bills, when my kids are fighting and driving me nuts, when the dog pukes all over the floor and I step in it, when the kids I love are suffering and I love them through the ugliness, when my coworkers aren't happy and the "judge" or the state or the feds may can us all. When life is hard- if I can say "I love You Father and I'm trying my best to trust You..." and my life can show His love through and in spite of my crabbiness or emotions or tiredness... then I will know that I am walking the walk I want.