Hiding from Myself

As I've gone through life I've always tried to hide in the back of the classroom, back of the room, back of the crowd....  now as a teacher I always try to sit in the back of the meeting and no matter the event, I will always be found at the back of it- church, public events... you name it, you'll know where to look for me.

I don't want to be noticed or looked at.  I was this way even before my fat days, but being so large hasn't helped that at all.

Enter my big behind in Zumba class- I hate the wall of mirrors in class and used to hide behind the banners to avoid looking at myself or being as visible to others.  Then they took the banners down and I had to face my reflection or be sure to hide others (that's only so effective when you're twice or three times larger than everyone else in class though).

So I also chose to not wear my glasses to Zumba class so I couldn't really see myself very well if I happened to glance up.  That was stupid though because I couldn't see my instructor quite as well.

This week I made the choice to leave my glasses on and dance my way through class with them on.  I also made myself look at my reflection throughout class.  I don't like what I see but I'm doing it.  I am getting better at not hiding from myself.  I don't have any desire to move up in the crowd, sit in the front of the room, go to the front pew in church and I doubt I EVER will, but at least I am being real with myself, owning who I really truly am more and more and accepting the realities of that too.

R :)

The Fat Girl In My Head

I don't expect this to make sense or for you to understand.

Shoot I don't even understand it, and it's in my own head.

See, I used to be a thin girl who thought she was fat (even though she was "just right" in all reality).

And now for two decades I have been the fat girl in reality.  And fatter girl and obese girl and so on until she is who I am.  That thin girl is long dead- just a memory in a yearbook or on my mother's photo wall.  It's not really me.  I know it was, but it doesn't seem like me.

She was fairly pretty but didn't know it.  Oh, how I wish this me could go back and talk to that girl, but time doesn't work that way I'm afraid.

So now the fat girl is trying to take care of herself, something she should have done long, long ago.  Overdue, it's not an easy fight, but this fat ol' girl isn't giving up.  She's pretty hard on me most days and doesn't let me off the hook. In the gym, she pushes me when I hurt, get tired or want to quit early, "Come on Thomas, you can do this.  You HAVE to finish this.  You can do more/go longer/go heavier...  You are NOT a quitter!"  Most of the time she is pretty encouraging in a coach kind of way.  Some days she can get firm and ugly with me when I really need it- "Move your fat ass!  Come on lard-butt, get going."

I know that's sick in some mental-health kind of way, but she helps me stay the course.  She keeps me going when the going gets tough, and it is tough!

The thing is, I know it upsets some who care about me, but I don't know that I will ever see myself as anything but the fat girl.  She's been part of who I am for so long- most of my adult life now.  I wouldn't mind if she went away, but I don't think it will happen.

I can see the scale moving- down 100 #- that's quite a lot of weight.  I can see the clothes that I can no longer wear piling up in a box and trash bag in my laundry room.  I KNOW that I have gotten smaller.  But when I look in the mirror most days I can't see the weight loss as much as you'd think.  It's hard to visualize the 100 # that were on me- I can't see where it's come off exactly.  I mean my face and neck are thinner and my stomach/rib cage, my hips, waist and behind are getting smaller based on the baggy pants I'm wearing, but I just can't see it when I examine my body in the privacy of my bathroom when no one is around.  I'm still a very large person.

I wonder when I'm no longer large-ish will I see it?  Will I quit feeling like the fat lady when I'm just right again? Or will this just stay with me because it's become a part of who I am inside?  I shared this with my wonderful trainer tonight because it bugs me sometimes that I can't see it the way others do.  It bothers me that my "issues" with myself hurt some because it's a personal thing for me and I don't mean for it to hurt anyone.  I truly can't help how I see myself, and whether anyone believes me or not I do try very hard to work on these issues.

So for now, I live in this fat lady body with the fat lady in my head.  I wonder if she'll disappear when I'm no longer fat.  If she does, who will take her place?  Will I like that person?  Will she still be me?  Will I lose who I am inside these layers of lard or will my heart and soul still be the same when the fat is gone?  I'm changing a lot for better or worse.  I hope I will like me down the road, and I hope those who know me will still love me and be able to accept me whoever it is- fat lady or something else.

R :)

first BMI goal accomplished

I know this is a little thing- just another of my many little goals, but it's HUGE to me (no pun intended). :)

To be "just" obese, your BMI has to be 39.9.  I hit that mark today! :)  This makes me so happy- I'm only obese now instead of "morbidly obese."  I look forward to the day when those words will officially leave my medical records as a current condition.  I know it will never leave my historical records, but with God's help, it will be removed from all descriptions of current conditions/problems and no doctor will speak about me with those terms again or look at me that way.  I will never have to have the doctor make a comment about "getting to the frig faster" or any other number of things I have heard over the years.

I can't wait for that day!

R :)