Changes

It's funny how losing a very large amount of weight changes things.  Changes me.  Changes others. Changes relationships.  Especially changes me.

I know change is part of life.  I am usually one who embraces change and likes to see new things, go to new places, do new things...  I'm not saying I mind all the changes that are happening in my life, but it is definitely different, and some changes I did not expect.

I know someone who lost a large amount of weight with her husband's support, but when she got close to her weight goal, he left her because he couldn't handle it.  I thought it was so sad and strange and cruel at the time.  Now, I see people around me treating me differently.  A lot of friendly teasing going on, and that's cool, but I also get the smart-aleck comments, and the snide "oh look at you" kinds of statements, like it's somehow just easy for me to say "no" to things I want to eat or to exercise self control or push myself past horrible pain and make myself go to the gym daily, some days twice a day.

I also didn't know that I would change so much that I would feel alienated from people I've known for years.

I am learning to depend on God and myself much more and other people much less.  I have been able to count on my husband who is on this journey with me.  He is the one I depend on so many days and that I know I can talk to no matter what.  Most of the time he "gets it" because he's also experiencing these changes and the ways people are different to him as well.  And when he doesn't get it, he just listens to me, tells me he loves and then proves it.  I'm so grateful that I have him and his unconditional love.  I don't know where this journey is going to take me, but I am hopeful that God & Rob will be there through it all and I pray that for whatever I have to give up, God will give me the strength to stand on my own.

Post Obesity Body

Someday I hope, no make that plan, to not be obese.  But I know that even then I will not be pretty.  I have given up on that a long time ago.  When I started this health improvement effort, I knew I couldn't get back the pretty, thin me I used to be, and I have settled for smaller and healthier-that's not a bad "settle for" in my book.  I wasn't quite prepared for what weight loss of this extreme nature would look like, and I still am not sure how it will look on this body, but I'm starting to get an idea.

I'm not showing under the clothes to anyone (there are only two people on earth I trust with that), so they don't know what this fat body looks like underneath the layers I use to hide it as best I can.  They don't know about the loose skin that's starting to show up now as the fat goes away.  They don't know how ugly I find it on my own self.  I'm not saying that anyone else is ugly who has this.  I am NOT judging another soul.  I am simply stating that I find my body gross and revolting to look at, even as I lose the fat.  I haven't liked myself in the mirror for years and years, and I'm coming to understand that I probably never will because when the fat is gone it won't look pretty still.  It's going to be covered in stretchy, flabby skin that just hangs and gets in the way.  

I'm okay with this.  I avoid mirrors most of the time anyway, and I can hide the body under layers of prettier clothes.  No one else has to see it.  The only place I can see me having a problem will be the pool, but I will figure that one out somehow.  

My sister posted a link to this video this week, not sure where she came across it or what made her share it, but I was thankful that someone was brave enough to share his own story.  I don't think I could ever do that, brave as I want to be, that couldn't be me.  

I'm proud of myself for sticking with this and losing as much weight as I've lost.  It's a great thing I know, and something I never could do before.  But it's also mixed with other problems and issues and not just some simple, "happy ending" kind of story.  I have ruined my body in so many ways and can never go back or undo the damage I've caused for myself.  That is something I regret more than I can ever say.