I haven't been able to blog in a long, long time. I doubt anyone even visits here anymore. Though I hate that I haven't had time to journal, I also am learning that journaling is for me and I should do it when I can and want to, and that when I hit the crazy times or don't have anything to say, that's okay too.
Anyway, 2013 has been a year of change for me. I got so tired of things in my life at work, the way I looked and felt about myself, the way people stared, made rude comments or laughed at me outright... So in May 2013, I started making changes, and God made some changes, and put together I'm becoming something different, hopefully better & stronger by the time it's all said and done.
Change # 1- On May 4, 2013, I walked into the gym with my daughter and signed up Rob & I for a membership and signed myself up for workout sessions with a trainer. Enter my trainer/coach, Rashad. I had to let him weigh me, measure me, and let him see just how out of shape and hideous my body was; the thing is he has NEVER ONCE expressed anything but encouragement. He calls me "beautiful" from time to time, doesn't let me get down on myself, looks the other way when I cry because I'm doing something I didn't think I ever could again, and has supported me in accomplishing the goals I set, even the stupid, silly ones.... Because of this choice my life has changed in so many ways:
- I have taken my fat butt to the gym faithfully since May 4, 2013. I have not had a good track record of sticking with life changes like this for so long. I usually have gone gung-ho and gotten frustrated when I hit a plateau. This time, I am sticking with it and will continue to do so.
- I have mostly gotten over people looking at me- not completely, some days it still bothers me a lot, especially when someone is blatantly rude or ugly, but the general staring I ignore now. I had to learn to get over that very quickly working out at the gym. Rashad puts me out there where others can see me doing things like push-ups, running around the gym or out in the parking lot, doing ladder work in front of the rows of cardio machines, doing suicides in front of others.... I am learning to focus on what I am doing and ignore others. That doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt and I don't still get mad, but I can ignore a lot more.
- I have lost and KEPT OFF right at 40 pounds since May and have dropped from pant size 34 to size 28- can't believe I'm even posting that, but oh well. If anyone is reading, maybe it will help them. If you think "Oh my word, what a cow!," well you're right. I was a cow, still am a cow, and have a long way to go, but I won't always be a cow! :) And I am okay with you thinking I am too. That's a big change too!
- I can run short distances for a very short time (it looks more like race walking/jogging, but still...). I couldn't do that in May.
- I can do about 70 situps- the real thing- in three sets with only a short break between sets.
- I can do planks! I am working on learning to do situps the right way and still have a long way to go on that.
- I am learning to do squats properly- not pretty yet and still have a long way to go, but I'm improving.
- In July I could only do 1 minute on the elliptical; now I can go for 30-40 minutes. :) That just makes me happy!
- I can lift about 100 pounds in bench press, squats, and on the glut machine. Rashad says I'm a lot stronger than even he thought which makes me feel good. I have often told people that I'm stronger than they think and many people don't believe me. Under my layer of lard I do have muscles. :)
- I found a great app that has helped me keep better track of what I eat, the water I drink and the exercise I do- all helping me change and maintain changes. In the end, I have found out that part of my problem is that I actually don't eat enough- something confirmed by my trainer, two doctors, and a nutritionist- so I have to really work on that this next year.
Change # 2- The last couple school years have not been easy, and I had hit bottom this last year. I walked out of my classroom in June not knowing if I'd ever walk back into a classroom or what I was going to do but knowing I was NOT going back to my school. I left school on the last day and had started applying for nonteaching jobs, but God gave me a teaching job at a new school. I started there in August, and though I'm still very frustrated with our education system and the way reform is killing our schools and harming our children and teachers, I have been able to go on- something I didn't think I could do back in May or June.
Change # 3- Though this is something I started a while ago and have been continuing, it has also begun to change me. I have been working very, very hard on my Master's degree which is why I had to let the journaling/blogging go these last few months. I am about to start my last semester, and on May 11, 2014, I will graduate. My advisor and another professor have been especially encouraging to me as a student and teacher during this time. I have been told I should publish and recently one of my instructors encouraged me to go on and pursue my doctorate's degree and teach at the college level!!!- me, Rebekah!!! I am still stunned at that.
I don't write all this to be braggy - NOT ONE BIT. Dear God, don't let me come across like that!
I write this because I want to remember this someday. I want to remember that I had to hit the bottom to start moving back up. I want to remember that God didn't forget about me when I was at the end of my rope- that I especially want to remember!!!
I write because this is the year that Rebekah started to see something tiny, many days still infinitesimal, but there is a flicker of hope that I now carry for this fat girl. I have spent years and years loathing myself, and on the good days, just barely tolerating me. But now, I am starting to have moments where I almost like me, where I think "Hey, I am proud of me!" Then I catch myself and wonder who this new me is? :) It's strange to suddenly see something good in yourself when you've spent your whole life hating who you are to the very core of you. I am not very comfortable with this almost-liking-myself that I sometimes experience, and I usually find a way to shoot it down very quickly, but still it is nice to not always think "you suck" in your head or having to listen to that nasty old voice all the time. I have my low moments still, but I'm learning to talk myself through them.
I guess I write this too, in case someone might come across it who feels like me. If this Rebekah, the fat slob of a human who wasn't good for much except loving people, especially kids, through hugs or silly little things that aren't really important... if this woman can turn around and change who she is WITH GOD'S HELP, so can anyone. If I can learn to run or do situps or pushups... if I can learn to see something good in myself... if I can go on in my education... so can you. I promise that I'm nothing special, not anyone of importance or special value (my Momma will disagree, but God love her, she's my Momma & she's supposed to feel that I'm special). :) I'm just a person who never gives up on others but gave up on herself I don't even know when. But I'm learning this year, 2013, to fight for Beka too. If I'm right about kids (there's no such thing as a "bad" kid I am always saying), then that has to hold true for me too. I can't be as bad as I thought I was. There has to be hope for me too.
So 2013, you will always be one of my favorite years- you are the year I turned around and gave myself a chance. I'm grateful for that chance, and I hope God will allow me to continue on. Who knows where I'll end up.
Happy New Year!
