I am so mad, irritated, aggravated, and frustrated tonight, I can't even hardly think straight, let alone make much sense to anyone besides myself, but I have to write and get this thing out of my system.Sometimes I HATE Rebekah and who she is, the way she is, the way she acts/talks/sounds/feels... And today is one of those days! My pal, as I call my assistant and friend, Kristen, laughed at me today (not laughing at me like being mean, but just trying to help me feel better and laugh at myself and not be so upset kind of laugh) because I was being so "psycho" as I call it. I definitely have an obsessive/compulsive thing going on, I've decided, when it comes to how I think people feel/think about me and how I want to be- you know, perfect. My dear momma & sister have tried to get me to "get over myself" as it were and quit being such a perfectionist about these things. They have numerous times talked to me about how I set such high standards for myself and have a double standard when it comes to others & myself. See in Rebekah-world, everyone else is allowed to make mistakes and be human, get grouchy, whatever, but if I don't get the A++ at everything I do, then I feel like I've totally and completely failed and am the world's worst person. What brought all this on today? It started when our principal came into our classroom this morning, as she often does in the beginning of the school year. When she stayed a bit longer than she normally does, it didn't really register much with me as I think/hope she thinks highly of me and I was way too busy dealing with a screaming/crying child and a classroom full of active kinders to really notice the time or what she was doing. I did notice, though, when I realized she was squeezing past my desk where I had stashed the yet unused pocket chart stands (that I was going to start using an hour or so later). Then I saw Kristen frantically changing our emergency exit signs and re-attaching them to the walls and thought "Hmmm, wonder why she's doing that now?" Duh, Rebekah! You're such an idiot sometimes! That should have been a tip off- when Kristen asked me a question about whether they were right or not right in the middle of me teaching I should have noticed and registered that there was a problem. Sometimes, I'm just not the brightest crayon in the box! The thing that finally tipped me off that something was up, was when I saw my principal looking in the kids' bathrooms and realized she was making notes on a clipboard. But, again, I was too busy trying to get the kids settled, explain our day and get to library class on time to really do much about it, get overly concerned, or ask Dawn what was up. Then, later in the day, Kristen brought me my "walkthrough evaluation" which was in my mailbox. Yeah, yeah, Momma & Sis, there were positives on it, BUT, there were more negatives on it than I've probably ever had on an evaluation ever! And I'm not exaggerating! I don't mean this to sound conceited, but I'm just not used to that, and I didn't like it. Not to mention, that I feel like it was nit picky stuff to boot. So what that she marked how warm & welcoming an environment my room continued to be or that she checked that I had kind & respectful interactions with the students. That's what I'm supposed to do, and isn't that what really counts!?!?!? Yeah, I think that's what really gripes me tonight, is that. Shouldn't a principal, and her higher-ups be more concerned about watching how a teacher teaches and works with her students in the first five days than how her room looks or what percentage of the wall space is covered? or how her bulletin boards look? or whether her storage cabinet whose door was missing when she arrived has it full of teaching materials, books, displays, rewards, etc.? or whether student backpacks might have been falling out of their cubbies at the time she was being observed? or whether the teacher kept an extra set of lesson plans in plain view on her desk for any rare district visitor instead of carrying them with her on a clipboard so she could actually use them? or whether her room was perfectly organized? I got "checked" for having things on the walls in addition to the bulletin boards. Hmmm, imagine that! A kindergarten (or any teacher for that matter) using the wall space to help display all the info/student work/etc. that they can. SHOCKING!!!! And, after looking around, Kristen and I were a little confused about what the big deal was. I have a pocket chart on one wall & one on the white board for center "teams." I have a display area near the bathrooms on the wall (which I'm guessing is the problem- but then again, why should I have to guess?). I have a # bulletin board set attached to the wall above the sink so the kids can have something educational to look at and it can help teach/reinforce the #s. Down those will be coming bright & early in the A.M. I have the traditional alphabet "frieze" hanging up; maybe I better take that down too. I would hate to have the kids looking at that. There is my "clown" on the backdoor that we use for whole class behavior incentive and the student-made fire escape poster. Yeah, that's definitely too much. Down with it too! The computer program poster I made to help kids keep track of their progress on the school mandated educational software. Yeah, that too- wouldn't want them to get excited about their level of work or progress this year. Okay, so that's the walls. I got it. Basically, I'm going in an hour early tomorrow to take everything that's not anchored into the concrete off the walls. BUT, I refuse to take down my pocket charts, my clown, and my real stoplight! Let's see what else? I got "checked" for not having student "artifacts" on display in the room. Okay, first may I say, that I always in all my 13 years of teaching have posted something from the first day up on a bulletin board. But this year, we decided to do something different with the bulletin board space for the first month and I didn't have it available to me for that purpose. But, more importantly, in these first five days, I haven't had a time when I could sit down and really do a project to put up. I've had one little boy who spent the first few days alternately kicking, hitting, scratching, and biting me and then falling apart because he wanted his mommy. I had to spend over an hour the first day in a full restraint. I've had to keep constant vigil because he is a runner and already ran away from me on the first day of Kindercamp. Then, as if that wasn't enough, I have another child who has been through severe emotional trauma & everyday (I kid not) has been spent trying to help him cope and dealing with his screaming and crying and kicking and tantrums all (I did mean all) day long for all five days! Oh, and add to that the fact that Kristen and I both had a nasty, really bad, stomach flu two days last week, but we came on in anyway and tried to do our best. Hmmm, let me see, I decided somewhere along the first 10 minutes on the first day that any "cute" plans I had for projects were going to have to go the wayside for a few days until I could get my students comfy with me and school and better acclimated. I didn't ever actually think about this out loud like, it just sort of happened that way. Not that we haven't been doing anything or learning. I could have pulled out a book and made copies of some worksheet or ditto for them and put that up, but I didn't think that was really appropriate either. We've made lots of "artifacts" in clay, blocks, and pictures they took home for their families from their first days. And I've taken lots of pictures too, and just haven't been able to get to Walmart to get them developed. I count it a blessing that Kristen (mostly) and I have gotten some little assessments done in these first five days, that today was the first day we had an absence, that our one little boy is doing much better, that the other is making slow baby steps toward improvement, that the kids are getting each other's names down much faster than I've ever seen a group do, that they are learning how to do many things better: clean up, work in stations, move around campus, the whole lunch drill, sitting on the carpet, and a ton of other little daily routine things that make our days run so much more smoothly. I guess that is what upsets me so much about it all. I know my boss is probably just "doing her job" but she never has been like that before. Not that I haven't had much worse! It's just been a while, and I've gotten spoiled. I'm sure she's probably gotten it from somewhere higher up the "food chain" in our lovely county educational system, but I still think it stinks!!!! Somewhere, someone has forgotten that what really matters is not the teachers' cabinets, teachers' desks, what percentage of the wall is covered/not covered or if there are things hanging from the ceiling (a big no-no here in this county), but that a teacher knows her students and their needs and that she is good to them, cares for them, and does everything she can to meet those needs. That she makes her classroom a warm "home" for her kids to come and be loved and taken care of while they learn and grow. So, this is my plan. I am, seriously, going in early tomorrow. Here is what I plan to do:- I'm taking everything but my pocket charts, stoplight, and "clown" down off the walls.
- As soon as I can afford and get to the store, I'm putting my pictures up, which I was planning on doing anyway.
- I'm finishing the "project" we're doing in math (which we had been doing anyway) and when it is done next week, I'm putting it up. Until then, whoever can just -forgive me Lord and all those who may read and be offended- take a big, honking bite out of my white, fat (and it is huge!) butt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Then, I'm going to teach my heart out and love my kids with everything I've got in me, like I would whether or not this had happened.
- When I have the $ and time, I will buy some "tubs" to more aesthetically store my many teaching materials so that the corner where my stuff is stored will be pleasing to the eyes of all who enter my room. Until then, she can see # 3 above. I'm not apologizing again though.
So, there it is. I'm still mad. But maybe that's a good thing. Rebekah has always been a door mat, and one of my personal goals for this school year (since I'm also the new grade level chair) is to actually grow and use a spine. To put my kids first above all work-related things! To stand up for myself, to say no and mean it, to know my limits and stick to them, to take care of myself (physically and emotionally). And I know me, unless I'm really, really upset about something, I'm not likely to do any of these things. So maybe it's okay to be mad. At least, for tonight, I'm giving myself permission to be mad.
Yeah, for tonight, I'm going to be human and not make myself be perfect. It's okay Rebekah! And girl, you are a good teacher, even if you're not the most organized or neat one. So quit beating yourself up!!!!!!!
