Pondering

I've reached a decision about something. I have difficulty putting my views into words, and when asked about my "philosophy" on anything- well, forget it! Of course, as a teacher, that's a frequent question from administrators, professors, instructors....

But, after just over three years here in GCS, I'm ready to make one philosophical statement. As I sat in my workshop this morning (the 2nd Saturday in a row), I realized that my "philosophy" & the current one I'm seeing in this county is a mismatch. I can't figure out if it's my school, my district, my current state, or just the state of education with good ol' NCLB- which, by the way, I've decided to rename for "No Common-sense Left to Be found."

I left the workshop with some ideas, some stretching of my professionalism and level of teaching (which is always GREAT), but also feeling like a lousy teacher. There are so many things I know to do, want to do, & know that work, but in trying to do everything I'm "supposed" to do for this stupid county, my school, the powers-that-be, well at the end of the week, most weeks I just feel like I've failed.

I can hear some of my family and even my boss telling me that my less-than-best is still wonderful.... etc., etc., etc., but I am still so very, very frustrated.

I actually left today and drove home and cried all the way there thinking I should just quit being a teacher. But, I know in my heart I was meant to be a teacher. That I was wired by Him to be this and nothing else. I absolutely, with-everything-that's-in-me love my students and am so tied to so many children at my school. There is nothing else I am trained or skilled to do. Even if I did try to do something else (and I'm sure that is not what God designed me for), I couldn't make what I do now with all these years of experience and having to start over in a new field at the bottom of a pay scale. It kills me that all I really want to do is just teach my kids and help them go as far as they can go & be left alone. Why, oh why, can't I just do that?!?!

My to-do list grows exponentially daily, it seems. I work twice as hard or more just to keep my head barely above water. I hardly sit all day, and even my assistant worries and fusses at me to "slow down, Mrs. Thomas." By the end of the day & week, all I have to show for that running, hustling & bustling is a messy work space, a pile of copies to figure out & organize, a to-do list of materials to pull, make, create for the next week. And that's just the normal week. Poor Elba has to live in the same classroom with crazy, seemingly disorganized & chaotic me (and yes, I am a bit of those things, but normally not this much).

Then there are the beloved PEP's that I have to do now. I very stupidly went and told my principal how I really felt, and expressed how frustrated and tired I was. Then a few days later, she relates to me that I was in a "snit" and yeah, now I feel embarrassed, and disgusted with myself & ashamed of myself for doing what I thought was standing up for myself and my fellow K teachers. I did the stupid PEP's for kids who don't even need them (long story that only an AJE teacher would understand so I won't bore the two people who might be reading this), and got my report cards turned in two days late, and what now? Now I have a post-it note from the boss that I must do 5 more PEP's.

I am tired beyond words. I keep thinking I can't get more tired or worn out- physically, mentally, or emotionally, but then I keep going on somehow- well I know it's God, but still.
I am frustrated with myself (most of all), with coworkers, with a lot of stuff.
I am discouraged.
I am lonely- yeah, very lonely.
I am homesick.
I am sick, and sick of being sick.

I know God is bigger than all this, and to His hands I am placing my life & all this "stuff." I know He will bring me through and I will be a better person for it. Until then, I am not a very happy camper.

I'm very excited tonight because tomorrow half my class will start taking home the weekend homework bags I've made!!!! I've worked long and hard on this from writing the grant proposals and planning it all out this summer, to assembling materials, making learning games/activities, and writing it all out, getting the bags assembled and everything ready. It's been a LOT of work, but it will be well worth it.

If you'd like to see photos of some of the bags, visit here.


I have two weeks to get the rest finished- another 10 bags! Boy will I be busy but then I'll have to just refill and check bags each week!

Happy Friday to any & all!