Happy Saturday

What a busy-great day it was.

• Insomnia really, truly stinks, but since I was just lying in bed not sleeping, I got up and took Barbara Rose to her high school bright & early. She was happy to have her mommy take her. :) She went to cheer on the chess club members at a tournament.
• Came home, played on Facebook a bit.
• Planned this week's menu & grocery list (do this every week)
• Worked with Robert to clean up and straighten the frig & pantry. Poor guy, I took the better end of that job, and I didn't even apologize! :)
• Grocery running with Robert today since he was on call and not needed. He made my day when his response to no work was, "Yeah, now I can spend time with my mommy!" :) :) :) I was thrilled with this statement from my soon-to-be 19 year old with a beard!!!
• Charged (yeah, I know that's not the wisest) a leaf blower today. Matthew and I figured out how to assemble it and use it together. That was fun- no dad having to help me understand, just my baby & I working together to do that. Cool! Of course I should say I sucked up a stem that was too big and thought I broke it, so Rob had to come rescue me anyway, but we started out good. :) We worked on the front flower bed together, then he took over so I could come in and get to work on cooking. We have a list of things that have to be done here at this house before we vacate. The yard is on that list. Figured I could get an early start, and we'll need that power tool at the new house. I like this one because it has a bag and mulches the leaves up, so we can make our own mulch with the dead leaves!!!!
• A nice surprise awaited me today when I was out in the yard looking around and leaf blowing... we already have daffodils, crocus, & hyacinths coming up all over the yard and getting ready to bloom!!!!! I can't believe it!!!!! I had forgotten that I planted even the few that I had. What a nice surprise. I should get to enjoy these one more time before we move on.
• Barbara and I cooked our hearts out today. We cooked for a coworker. We also cooked for tomorrow's potluck at church. The guys all pitched in to help cook our supper. Here's everything we cooked: 2 pans of "fruit dessert"- for lack of a better name, but it's oh so yummy (graham crackers on bottom, vanilla pudding with cream cheese whipped in, topped with cool whip and then tons of fresh fruit- kiwi, pineapple, strawberries, and blueberries on top), dirty rice, big bowl of salad, pasta salad, two loaves of breads- pumpkin & cinnamon... I still have to get up and throw the cheesy potatoes in the crock pot tomorrow, but otherwise we're all ready. I would never have gotten that all done without my sweet daughter. She was such a cheerful worker and giving of her time this time around. It also made my day!!!!
• And the weather- though I LOVE rainy, stormy weather, and of course cheer for snow, today was in the 60's & sunny and just GORGEOUS!!! We had the back door open most of the afternoon and it was so nice. I can't wait to be in our new home with the great lighting in the kitchen having all these fun times together with the doors & windows letting the warm air in.... or sitting at my kitchen table watching it rain & lightning through the sliding doors in the kitchen... Spring is going to be extra especially WONDERFUL this year, and I'm going to be extra especially thankful for it all!!!!
• Kitchen is all cleaned up, food is being delivered by my sneaky family members for me. ;)
• I'm TIRED as I am having another round of insomnia for some reason, but I'm so glad I still accomplished that much. It's a good kind of tired. I'm going to try to do a little lesson planning now, maybe read a little, and go to bed, hopefully to sleep tonight. :)
• Tomorrow I'll get to hear one of the "Lost Boys" from Sudan share his story and photos of his 1st trip home to Sudan in over 20 years. I'm going to enjoy hearing his story and experiences.

Now that I sit here and make my list of today's stuff, I realize I did something small with each of my kids, each of them getting a little time from me, and me a little time with them. WOW!!! What a day! Thanks God!!!

Good night world! Good night God! I'm off to hang with my family and do lesson plans.

P.S. For those who might be reading and would like to know, we got our closing date- Friday, 2/27. We're trying to get it bumped up one day to the 26th as we have some other things going on that Friday, but either way, by the end of this month, we'll have the keys to our 1st home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It's been a long time coming, and though it still doesn't seem real, I can't wait!!! I'll have to blog more about this blessing another day.

A Cold Night

I should start by saying that I think I have a sign. Homeless people just seem to come out of the woodwork wherever I go. It's like there' s a sign on my car that says "I'm a softy.." I don't know but I can't begin to name all the places I've been approached. I have been told that I shouldn't give money to those homeless who are begging on the corners or who come up to me in the gas station parking lot or Burger King or Wendy's or even on my own street. I've heard all the reasons, and I know they may even be right.

But, I can't ignore a person who is homeless. I can't. Somehow, when I see them, I just can't see Jesus (if he were right there in bodily form at that same moment as me) just rowing up his window, driving away, and ignoring them either. I really can't. I can't see Him judging them saying things about them just looking for work & getting a job or just being liars and worthless or thinking about how they might really live in a nicer home than He does.... I am sure he wouldn't buy them booze, but what would He have done, say tonight when I was approached at the gas station?

I really don't know. This I do know.

Luke 6:30 says, "Give to everyone who begs from you..." I was SURPRISED to read that last week!!! I've never heard that scripture before.

And of course, there's the good Samaritan. It says in Luke's version that the Samaritan "had compassion when he saw him... he took care of him..." and then Jesus tells his followers, "You, go and do likewise." I've lived my whole life in church hearing this story taught and preached. But, I never really heard this verse applied to the homeless, at least that I can remember. Who did the Samaritan help? A man who had been beaten and robbed. Isn't that what a homeless person is? How much more beaten down and robbed of any kind of decent life can you get than that?

God, I don't know why You would bless me with a good home at birth, Christian parents, a Christian family of my own, a job, a warm place to spend my winter nights, clothes to protect me from the cold, food, blankets aplenty... and why some others aren't blessed. I just can't begin to fathom this. I know it's not fair, and I'm on the blessed end of that. I'll leave that to You because I just will never understand it. All I can say is I am thankful, so very, deeply thankful for this warm home, and all that is in it tonight.

For tonight I'll just ask that You would be with Chris wherever he is now. Help him to find a warmer place out of the wind and the cold. Help him to be safe, to think about what I prayed with him tonight; help him to get to Urban Ministries and find out more about You. Put someone in his path who will pray with him again and again and again as long as it takes to help him find his way to You, to a better life. Keep him warm tonight God. It is cold outside.

Gratefully Yours,
Rebekah

God, let me please you

God, it's confession time. I might as well; You know it all already. You were speaking to me this morning in church, and I needed to get home and think this out here.

I am unhappy with myself, God. Yeah, I know- again? Right? :) So this isn't new, and when have I ever been happy with myself? But here we are again, and I'm starting to understand something about myself in a new way; something I have always known, but is driving me crazy once again. My self-worth, esteem, happiness... is wrapped up in everybody around me, those I love, those I serve, those I work with, those I know, even sometimes those I haven't seen in years but whose approval or love I want so desperately.... Whenever others are happy, I'm happy. When others are upset, I'm sad. When others are angry, I'm uptight and worried. When others are silent, I must be the reason. When others are mad, I must have done something.

Messed up, right? I know. You know. My whole immediate family knows, and who knows who else who knows me, knows it too. ;) I've been this way mostly all my life. Sometimes it's better, and sometimes it's worse, way worse. I'm so like a yo-yo on this. Did I ever tell you, by the way God, that I don't really like yo-yo's. Never could play with them, make them do neat tricks, or even get them to come back up/down more than once or twice. So I'd really like to be some other kind of object, toy, plaything, or creation, one that's a little more useful in my book. :) :) :)

Okay, back to serious- I've spent the last year or so worrying about things I couldn't change, until I ended up a nut-case in November, hearing a dr. say I'm going to kill myself with high blood pressure, a stroke, a heart attack, and having acid problems to the point I now wonder if I have an ulcer.... Though there is some medical problem, part of the problem is me and this life I've lived of being a people pleaser.

I'm trying to please everyone and feel like I end up pleasing few, and mostly making myself crazy- well, let's say crazier. I know it's not my job in life to please everyone, to solve everyone's problems, to be perfect and never let anyone down. I know that God, but my brain, or my heart (I don't know which it truly is) can't ever really get that understanding. It's like a lesson I'm trying to teach a kid who just can't understand the deeper concept so they never get the skill they need to move on. I'm stuck, and only You know how many strategies You've used, how many times You've tried to reteach this lesson to me, how many creative ways and materials You've presented me, and still I'm stuck in the dumb-kids, remedial class, and I fear I may be the only one left in this class still flunking this lesson while all the others have gone on to graduate to better things. :) Do you have some kind of IEP for me God? You should! :)

Why am I like this God? You made me who I am didn't You? You must have made me with particular character traits (or flaws as I see them) for some reason. So why do I take what You made and twist it so much out of proportion? I am truly mental, and I am truly, completely, utterly sick of my brain, my way of thinking.

I try to be:

• a good Christian
• a good wife
• a good mom
• a good daughter
• a good teacher
• a good coworker
• a good employee
• a good sister
• a good friend
• a good person
• a good neighbor
• a good ....

I feel like a not so good______ fill in the blank most of the time, particularly when it comes to these areas: good Christian, good coworker/employee, good family member, good friend, good person... Why do I screw it all up when my intentions are well-meant and only for the best?

The only thing I know to do is to QUIT TRYING! Maybe that's the problem- me & my trying.

So, once again here I am, back at Your feet, groveling for forgiveness. I have messed things up with some people, when I truly didn't mean to. In some cases, I don't even really know what I've done wrong, just know there's not peace or I am not "in" the group. Maybe I'm not supposed to be; I truly don't know. God, this is what I do know. I never meant to hurt people's feelings. I want to get along with people. Most of all I want You to be seen in me, and I so doubt that is the case with my life.

I've been working on getting to know You better by spending my lunch time reading the Bible instead of eating in the cafeteria. I've been trying to be like the You I read about in the Word. At the end of the day, I'm trying to make sure I have lived today in a way that pleases You. I know that's really all that matters. God, I need You to help me quit worrying about the past and what I may have done or not done, to quit worrying about people liking me or not liking me, to quit feeling lonely and left out- it doesn't matter. None of that does. I need to keep my eyes focused on You, on teaching those kids You've placed in my life, on loving the kids that cross my path, on loving & serving my family and finishing the raising of my own kids and helping them get established in the adult world still rooted and grounded in You, on loving my husband and serving Him and being there for Him. Those are the things I should be concerned about. All the rest is just white noise, and I need to get my eyes off of that and back on what is important.

And though I hate the "but..." when kids give them to me, here I am "butting" You too. But God, I am messed up. I am who I am, maybe not who You created, but who I became for whatever reasons- good or bad. I very badly want to be not this Rebekah, but the one You want me to be. I want to please You more than anything. More than pleasing Allen Jay Elementary or Guilford County Schools, more than pleasing my principal, my fellow teachers, my grade level, my fellow church go-ers, my pastor, even my family, more than anything God, my heart screams out, "I WANT TO PLEASE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!"

Please help me to do it. Please forgive me for being the messed up person I am, for worrying about what others think, for taking my eyes off of You and concerning myself with the opinions of others, for wasting time and energy and mental health on concerns that shouldn't be concerns at all.

Help me to do better Father. I can't do it on my own. I've tried and failed.

With love for You, gratitude for who You are and Your mercy, sorrow for my own stupidity, failings, mistakes, and everything, and hope for a better tomorrow,

Your Rebekah :)