Walk with me please

I have heard so many times, "You have such a pretty face/eyes/smile/complexion/fill-in-the-blank."  I know you mean those compliments, truly.  I know that in your mind it is true.  I accept that and appreciate the thoughts and that you have a good view of me.  

What I wish, though, is that you could see my life through my own experiences and eyes and not the rose-colored glasses you have because you love me and know me as a person.  I know it must be frustrating to love me and care about me and see all the wonderful things a loved one does and then to watch me "tear myself apart" the way I know I do.  It is NOT about self-hatred, though I admit there is a part of me that struggles with that.  It is about the way I feel in the real world I live in and interact with.  

Try going to the store with me or the post office, the doctor's office, or movie theater.  Try to see me the way others do who don't know me, who don't see the hugs I give or the way I interact with kids, or the many other positives that anyone who knows me might say/think about me. Try to see me the way the "public" does.  It isn't me "just being sensitive."  I'm so tired of that!  Sorry to say it and hurt you; I am, though.  

There was a time when I quit going out in public unless I absolutely had to because of the hideous way I felt every time I went to the store or bank or ran an errand.  I was so ashamed of who I had become based only on my size.  This was wrong thinking, but you cannot understand how beaten down one can become when you can't go anywhere without the rude comments, laughter, pointing, stares, or just plain nastiness you get when you are grossly overweight.   God only knows how many photos of me I have had people take on their cellphones.  I'm sure I am probably on the people of Walmart website somewhere if I wanted to look.   Walk with me and watch people move aside like my fat-ness is contagious or so that they can get a better staring or photographic view.  Listen to the ugly, hurtful things people say as if I'm deaf or perhaps deserve to hear their contempt because I'm just a blob, not really a person.  It's like nothing I've ever experienced in my life.  It goes way beyond embarrassed. There are no words for it.  You feel less than human.  It's a hurt that goes deep down inside and stays there when it happens over and over and over.  

I'm not saying I have some excuse for staying a blob- I did this to myself.  I own that and take full responsibility for it.  I am saying I do not feel pretty and honestly am not sure I ever will.  I just wish you could understand that.  I am not asking you to like it or agree, but if you could understand where this comes from, that there are valid reasons for it and try to be patient and accepting of my own self-view, well it'd help a lot.

This has all been sitting in my head the last few days.  Then today I saw an old high school classmate's post and comments regarding this article.   This classmate is an amazing lady.  She teaches children no one else wants to teach in a rough place and does it with this unending God love, and an amazing tenacity to stick with these kids.  She is a mom and seems to be raising three great kids who are going to help make the world a better place.  She organizes fundraisers and collects food, clothes, and other needed items for homeless folks.  I could go on and on about her.  She's always sharing prayer and practical needs for other folks.  She's a TERRIFIC person.  Yet, she shared today that someone made some awful, terrible comments in the presence of her kids about her (called her a nasty fat bitch) just because of her size.  I will bet money that she does more good in ten minutes of her day than most people do all year long or even their whole lives, but I guess because she's obese she's not worthy of kindness either in this person's book.  This post just broke my heart.  I am not alone in this awful experience.  I hate that other people go through this too.  There are so many wonderful people walking around doing good in the world, being kind and loving and helping others who get treated like they are less than the dirt on the ground based on the size of their body.

Whether you want to see it or not, it exists and happens daily to me and to many, many others.  It's very real to us.  It is a deeply personal thing that I've been dealing with for years and years.  I have begun the journey to a healthier me, and with God's help I will get where I need to be.  I hope the inside parts of me will heal and change and grow too; I believe they very much are doing that as well as the outside.  But I hope you can understand and accept that I will never see me the way you do.  I'm sorry that it causes you hurt.  I hope that you can come to terms with who I am, all of me and not take it as a personal thing.

R :)

Preparing for Battle

I go to see the orthopedic doc tomorrow.  The last time he & I spoke he had some rude comments about " people like me" just saying they'd go to the gym if he helped them, but it really just helping them get to the frig faster.  It hurt after all I've done to change my ways and all the pounds and inches I've lost.  His nurse & assistant saw the change in me and were excited about it, but he didn't notice at all.

I'm prepared this time:

• a weight graph for the last year
• a year's worth of gym check-ins all printed out (showing the regular attendance, the training sessions, and the 2-a-days I often do)
• measurements that show I've lost over 30" of myself
• BMI & body fat percentages that show major loss as well (BMI down almost 15 points, body fat % down about 10%)
• photos that are obvious I'm smaller
• a video from Zumba class that show me working hard
• and if that's not enough, I'm taking in a pair of my "super fat" pants and I'll prove it that way

Here are a couple photos of me before I started this and at my heaviest.

Still a LONG journey to go, but I'm on my way- crummy knees and all- whether doctors support me and help me or not- I. Am. On. My. Way.

The end

time to reflect and project :)

Starting off my holiday off with a few minutes to journal/blog and hit the gym with my trainer.  Tuesday's are my 2-a-day gym day with the trainer first and then water Zumba class.  

I'm looking forward to today- going to take care of my physical self first, then going to spend the day with my best friend.  While he's doing his work and projects, I'm going to be working on Christmas gifts- a quilt for Zoe, and some other things for family members, plus blankets for students.  I'm still plugging away on hats for a couple ministries too.  

Better get some breakfast down my throat and get dressed- it's time to leave! :)

This is what I was trying to say

I am not very good at expressing my deepest feelings sometimes.  I say what I am thinking/feeling, but it never comes out the way I mean for it to.  I recently tried to explain some of the junk up in my head about losing 100 pounds, but it came out to the hearer like I was just putting myself down and judging myself and others by their size.  Ugh!

I know it won't make sense to most people, but losing a lot of weight is complicated.  A good thing for sure! But not all smiles, rainbows, and ponies like you might think.  I don't understand all the why's of it, but even though I've lost a large chunk of me, and must be much smaller than I was, I don't feel it.  I can see the loss in the size of clothes I wear, the way everything is falling off my body, the comments that others make, but I still feel like the same huge person inside.  I'm beginning to wonder if that will ever change, and realize that it may not.

Then I read this article this weekend that I somehow stumbled across when doing schoolwork and looking for something completely unrelated to health/weight loss.  It seems like I was "meant" to see this, and it did hit home oh so much.  I almost cried reading it.

The article could best be summed up with this statement found later in the report:

"Cultural fantasies of weight loss present a tidy, attractive proposition – lose weight, gain self-acceptance – without addressing the whole truth: that body image post-weight loss is often quite complicated."

The parts that I really related to the most were:

"Everything starts sagging, and you've got stretch marks, and clothes fit differently, ... and you're saying, 'Am I doing the right thing? Because this shirt doesn’t look right,'" she says. "...I would get really down on myself about, like, 'I'm not doing this correctly,' or, 'This isn't what it's supposed to look like.'"  I so understand this!  I knew my body was not pretty to start with, and I knew it wasn't going to get pretty afterwards.  I did not know exactly what to expect and I knew that going in, but did not realize how the skin would hang down now empty of fat and nowhere to go.  I didn't realize that my hips would look the way they do or that I would feel uglier than when I started if that is even possible.

"Despite now being a very lean 166 pounds at just under six feet tall (and training for a marathon!), Janetzko says he still doesn't see a thin or fit person when he looks in the mirror."-  I was so thankful to read this because THIS is EXACTLY what's been going on in my head!

"Any discomfort you may feel with your body is compounded by a sense of shame at not feeling unmitigated pride at a moment you expected to be triumphant."-   YES! YES!  YES!!!  People think I should be proud and excited and thrilled, and I am those things, but I am also other feelings too that I guess I can't express because people don't understand. 

"Big, important things about people's lives do change after they've lost weight – and yes, often for the better – but no one becomes a different person. You're still you, even when you're half of your former self."  I was hard, incredibly, unhealthily so, on myself before this all started.  I am trying very hard to improve in that area as I also improve the physical part, but I don't know how to change all that overnight.  I'm still me on the inside, and like it or not, that me doesn't like herself much.  That's not going to drastically change just because my butt size goes down.