My Boys

He's been gone for a very long time. I only knew him as a child and through the stories and memories of my momma. We had very little connection to anyone else who could keep him alive for us. So all these years later, it still strikes me as odd how strong the desire to have a connection to a person gone so long. Here I am a 40 year old woman, mother of three young adults, wife, teacher... and without warning, I can be that little girl who wishes he was still here and had not gone away.

I have no idea if my children really have any of him in them, or if it is merely wishing that they did that makes me want to see something of him in them. But tonight, as I worked on lesson plans and EOG prep work, missing my youngest son who is gone to take his military physical exam, I heard from upstairs the sounds of my oldest playing a song he created on his guitar. It is one of my most favorite pieces of music in the world. I don't know if Robert knows just how much I love his song. I looked up from my work and saw the family portrait taken the year before he died. I teared up, though I tried not to.

I know this will sound completely silly, but this 40 year old woman put down her schoolwork, took that portrait off the wall, sat it on the steps below the boy's bedroom, and and sat down beside it to listen to the music. I cried as I wondered what he would say about his grandsons. One plays a guitar like he did, loves music and church and is a hard-working young man. Robert has his feet and is hairy like he was. :) Matthew is trying to enlist in the military and has been strongly influenced by both his Papa and by this man he never knew but only heard about sometimes. He is tall- taller, even than his grandpa was. He has a sweet, gentle side, but also a hot temper. Both my boys have a good sense of humor and neat laughs and like to joke around and play pranks.

Oh, how much it can still hurt after all this time. I'm thankful for all my blessings, and I wouldn't have Rob or my children if he'd lived. But it still hurts. Even 29 years later.

Matthew

It's getting later and I need to be asleep. Story of my life, huh? :)

Just wanted to write down for myself to look back on. Tomorrow Rob will drive our "baby" - our youngest who almost didn't make it- to the Army recruiters' office where he will leave for Charlotte to go through MEPS. We are eagerly/anxiously/nervously/excitedly/ and a bunch of other -ly's waiting to hear the outcome of his physical. He scored VERY high on his military aptitude test, so he is off to a good start.

I have a lot of emotions and thoughts about all of this, especially since he is just 18 and soon to graduate high school. But above all, I want Matthew to choose the life path God has in store for him. As long as Matthew never parts company with Christ, I am at peace with the life he lives. If he pleases God, strives to stay as pure as one can, and looks to Him for guidance in his own life decisions, what more could I ask? Nothing!

I've not really "gone there" as there was just no need to cry, worry, stress, etc. over something that might or might not happen. I have no explanation except that I feel a peace about it- that whatever comes from it all, God will be with Matthew and God will be with us. In that sense, I am okey-dokey. :) I just am starting to realize that my child, my youngest child, my first child to leave, may be leaving me sooner than I had ever pictured. I have to start getting ready to say the "big" goodbye. The momma in me is not ready for that, but I know I'll be okay.

God, you gave him to us. He almost was taken from us, but for whatever reason, You spared his life, and I am thankful- oh so thankful- for the 18 years we've had together with Matthew Lane. He's yours, I know. I give him back to you now. We've done what we were commanded to do- raise him up in the knowledge of You and train him to have a relationship with You. Now I do my very best to release him back into Your hands (in whose hands he's been all along), and I have to trust You. Help me to do that. Help Rob to do that. Help us to let him go when the time comes - be it to Uncle Sam or whoever/whatever.

Thanks God!

42 years

Today would have been my parents 42nd wedding anniversary. I am so thankful for parents who loved each other and us girls.

So thankful for a Momma still with me (she almost wasn't) and a few good memories of a daddy who loved us.

Momma, if you read this, Happy Anniversary. Thank you for everything you gave up for us girls, for the love you have given and always will give us, for your Godly example, for being my friend.

With much love,

your BekaBoo

Quiet weekend

My house is quiet right now- it's happening more and more in the past couple months. The kids are growing up and slowly preparing us for the empty nest. That's a bittersweet thought, some days more bitter, some more sweet.

We had a great time of laughter (Rob & I) with Momma yesterday and that was sooooo nice. We may be 1,000 miles away from the ones we love, but we try hard to stay close. It felt good to help Momma laugh at a really hard time in her life too. I LOVE my Momma (in case you hadn't noticed), and I LOVE when I can give back to her just a portion of what's she's done for me.

I woke up yesterday with a killer headache, and it has not gone away since. Driving me crazy. I am also extremely achy, exhausted, and my back continues to really bother me (and that just needs to stop!). I have not felt this tired in a long, long time, and I've been pretty worn out for a while. I wonder if this is a bug or if my body is trying to speak to me. :)

I finally got the interactive white board stuff through Donors Choose and have spent part of this weekend trying to learn how to use it and downloading lessons for this week. I'm excited to finally have this tool and learn how to use it. I KNOW my kids are going to love it!!!!

It promises to be a very busy week. Two mandatory evening events at my school, a workday (with meetings and report cards), a daytime school event, my intern teaching a lesson (and my paperwork for that), the tutor starting (hopefully the kids take to her without too much drama) and all the normal busy-ness.

Somewhere in all this I have two grad school projects looming on the horizon plus this week's homework. I have no clue where I'm going to get it all done, especially feeling like this, but God always helps me to find a way. I just wish I felt better. It's no fun slogging along feeling icky.

Many, many thanks to those of you who prayed for my kids last week during benchmarks. The final results were not what the higher-ups wanted, but I was EXTREMELY proud of my class. There was a lot of growth in many ways, and I saw my kids trying harder than they ever have before.

Please pray for Kari and her family. My parents could use prayer too.

Thanks! Hope wherever you are, it's a great week!