I've been really struggling with "issues" at work. Some of it is just petty stuff that I need to keep overlooking (some days I do better than others). Mostly, though, my heart just seems to break over the garbage I see in people's lives, mostly the kids I deal with and see at school, the kids my children go to school with, the kids Rob works with, the kids I see in our neighborhood... I can't hardly stand to watch the news anymore because of this same thing. It hurts too much to care about people. I've been told so many things related to this by pastors, church members, principals, fellow teachers, and family. And all these things are true. I shouldn't care so much. I shouldn't take other people's problems "home" with me, I shouldn't take things to heart, I can't let it get me down, I can't solve these problems...... These are all correct, and I know it. The "trouble" is that I can't do it.
I've been thinking about this a lot this year. I know I will sound like I'm just justifying myself, but didn't Jesus weep/cry/express sorrow when he looked out over Jerusalem? When John the Baptist was beheaded, the Bible says, Jesus departed to a deserted place by himself. I doubt he went away because he was happy. I wonder where He went & what He thought & did? When Lazarus died, the Bible says, "when Jesus saw her weeping... He groaned in the spirit and was troubled... Jesus wept." Jesus is God's son, perfect. He is able to see the "big picture;" He knows the way things will turn out, and He can understand better than we can, that things can be meant for good. Yet, here is God, in human form, and he is troubled, sorrowed, and even crying. Why? Because he hurts for the people he cares about and is sorrowful at the sight of others suffering.
So, if Jesus himself cried and was hurt at the pain in the world he encountered, then why do I think I would not? I've decided that it must be okay for me to be this way. I mean, God made me who I am didn't He? And, though many of my life experiences are a result of my own choices, some were not my own and had to be meant by God to help me become the person He wanted me to be. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I have been placed in the schools He wanted me in. There must be a reason. And though it kills me sometimes to see the things I see and hear, if God put me there, it must be to care for those people. So, isn't it really okay, if I am troubled and sorrowed by what I see? Wouldn't He be if He were actually there in bodily form? Then, that gets me to thinking about this. Maybe that's why we are all put where we are, to be Him in bodily form, to be Him crying/weeping/mourning for those all around us who don't know Him, who have lives filled with pain, hurt, sorrow, garbage. Maybe someone has to weep for them. Maybe more people should weep and cry and hurt for others. Maybe I'm not in the wrong after all. Maybe??? That leads me to another verse from the Beatitudes: "Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforted." I'm no Bible philosopher and have not studied much, but maybe this is what Jesus meant??? Maybe He intends for some to be there to mourn for others who don't know. I've definitely got to think on this some more.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
God Knows Where I Am
I have had times when I knew "God knew where I was..." Times when it was very clear that He saw me right at that moment and knew my needs and spoke to me in a way that was tangible, that I could not have any doubt that it was Him; those times were so moving and remain a memory that I look back on in my "days" when I doubt myself, doubt my Christianity and truly know I am loved.
Well, yesterday, three people spoke to my heart and two of them could have no idea what was going through my mind, and even the one could not know the intensity or hurt that is there. I think God sent three people in my path yesterday to say what they did, without even knowing it. Kristen's supervising prof came to meet us cooperating teachers yesterday, and she spoke right to my heart with some things she said. She was just sharing her own personal experiences (some of which are troubling in and of themselves). I'm 'paraphrasing' here to keep this short. She told me that she had heard a lot of wonderful things about me and that I was a special person. She said she could tell from talking with me that I took things to heart (don't have a clue what I did that made her be able to tell that). She said I looked tired and she wanted me to "not give up. You make a difference. You can't reach them all, but you can reach some, and you're here for those you can touch." How could she, a total stranger, have known my heart? Known I was thinking of leaving? Known the struggle that has been going on within me? She couldn't have. Then another teacher at our school was talking with me and had heard a false "rumor" that I was on the transfer list. I cleared that up, but told her I had thought of leaving AJE. She asked me not to leave, said our school needed me. She used a phrase to describe herself, but it is one I have borrowed and used myself for years now- "this is 'my place in this world'." Then my momma, who has some idea of the things in my heart, but not their full intensity, sent my sister and I an email yesterday that I found when I got home. She will never know how much that email meant to me. I will keep that forever!!!!!!! She said that we girls are being missionaries, and she equated mine to working in a foreign country where you can't go in as a "missionary" but have to go as something else and just shine God's love.
God knows where I am, and what I am struggling with. He took time out of His busy day dealing with death, illnesses, starvation, poverty, and a billion other needs far more important than mine to place people in my life that would speak a message they may or may not have known I needed.
Thanks God.
Well, yesterday, three people spoke to my heart and two of them could have no idea what was going through my mind, and even the one could not know the intensity or hurt that is there. I think God sent three people in my path yesterday to say what they did, without even knowing it. Kristen's supervising prof came to meet us cooperating teachers yesterday, and she spoke right to my heart with some things she said. She was just sharing her own personal experiences (some of which are troubling in and of themselves). I'm 'paraphrasing' here to keep this short. She told me that she had heard a lot of wonderful things about me and that I was a special person. She said she could tell from talking with me that I took things to heart (don't have a clue what I did that made her be able to tell that). She said I looked tired and she wanted me to "not give up. You make a difference. You can't reach them all, but you can reach some, and you're here for those you can touch." How could she, a total stranger, have known my heart? Known I was thinking of leaving? Known the struggle that has been going on within me? She couldn't have. Then another teacher at our school was talking with me and had heard a false "rumor" that I was on the transfer list. I cleared that up, but told her I had thought of leaving AJE. She asked me not to leave, said our school needed me. She used a phrase to describe herself, but it is one I have borrowed and used myself for years now- "this is 'my place in this world'." Then my momma, who has some idea of the things in my heart, but not their full intensity, sent my sister and I an email yesterday that I found when I got home. She will never know how much that email meant to me. I will keep that forever!!!!!!! She said that we girls are being missionaries, and she equated mine to working in a foreign country where you can't go in as a "missionary" but have to go as something else and just shine God's love.
God knows where I am, and what I am struggling with. He took time out of His busy day dealing with death, illnesses, starvation, poverty, and a billion other needs far more important than mine to place people in my life that would speak a message they may or may not have known I needed.
Thanks God.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Love...
Rob & I have been talking again about "family issues"- translation the dysfunction in our family backgrounds and the choices we made in how to deal with it and what we could/should/might do about it in the future.... I've also been thinking about work "hurts" and the way some coworkers don't seem to like me... It fits with this too.
I felt "led" to read about love today, hmmm...
I Corinthians 13...
"... Love suffers long & is kind
Love does not envy
love does not parade itself and is not "puffed up"
love does not behave rudely
love does not seek its own
love is not provoked & thinks no evil
love does not rejoice in sin but in the truth
love bears all things
love believes all things & hopes all things
love endures all things
love never fails..."
Here is a verse that really made me think today: vs. 11- "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
And I've always loved this verse because I'm not good at the "faith" thing (I never have been & when you attend a pentecostal church- which I don't anymore-, well that can be a problem) and sometimes, when things have been their darkest, I found it hard to hope, but God knows I love Him more than anything and He has given me a love for sometimes unlove-able kids and parents and He gave Rob and I a love for each other when our marriage was not too hot, so I love this verse... I guess I feel like I may be bad at everything else, but at least on this one God won't turn me away because He knows I do love.
vs. 13- "And now abide faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love."
So, I'm thinking of my family issues again & work. Given what Christ did for me (the original gift & the TONS of other stuff- repeated forgiveness, repeated patience, repeated teaching & reteaching, not giving up on me or getting so frustrated at me that He throws in the towel, blessings too many to mention.... Am I really living up to the real meaning of "love?" Where I was ten or fifteen years ago, well I was "a child" then- in my early-mid 20's trying to deal with a lot of stressors and not knowing as many of the "facts" of life or the "facts" of situations as I do now. But now, aren't I finally becoming a "man/woman/grown-up" in Christ? I sure hope so! :) So shouldn't I quit looking at things through my own eyes and see what He says?
"... Love suffers long & is kind-
Sometimes love has to suffer because we're none of us perfect, but it is still kind- I can still be kind; I don't have to bring up the past. I don't have to join in if I don't want to, but I don't have to be hurtful to say no either. I don't have to be "ugly" just because others are. I can still be kind. And, when I think about it at work, I have been. I haven't spread gossip or rumors or talked bad about others. I smile and try to be friendly. I don't have to be best friends and sit around and shoot the breeze and not doing so doesn't make me unkind either.
Love does not envy-
I don't have to envy cousins, aunts, uncles, others who have relationships I don't
love does not parade itself and is not "puffed up"-
I don't need to defend my momma's family or my momma or even myself; first of all, no one is perfect and no family is perfect and I'm not responsible for things my family may have said or done and we all are in need of forgiveness and mercy; I need to remember that scripture I like- "don't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing that your charitable deed may be in secret" Do what I do for Him and don't worry about the rest
love does not behave rudely
I can't be rude, but that doesn't mean I have to try to be everyone's best friend either. I don't have to participate in after school socializing if I need to get work done and get to my kids. I don't have to talk on the phone if I am uncomfortable with it.
love does not seek its own
Don't think of myself, think of others- what do they need? how can I serve them? what would God want me to do for them?
love is not provoked & thinks no evil
I can't be "ugly"- I need to make sure I don't behave in an unforgiving manner, hold grudges, be rude, gossip, listen to gossip, give my hurts and frustrations to God first & foremost
love does not rejoice in sin but in the truth
don't laugh at evil and sinful things; don't participate or listen to conversations that involve things God wouldn't approve of, don't be "holier-than-thou" but just don't participate
love bears all things, believes all things & hopes all things
I need family that "bears" with me on my bad days, that believes in me (even if I don't) and hopes the best for me. I need to be that for my family too. I need to be there as a "cheerleader" for my coworkers, students, families. I need to bear with their bad days too and believe & hope for good things for them too
love endures all things
I need to endure through hard days just like I want those around me to endure me when I am less than patient, less than kind, less than what I should be. I need to remember that God didn't promise a life of happiness and prosperity, but He promised to be with us always
love never fails
If I have God's love, & He never fails, then I need to never fail. Though that is the perfect standard, and I'm far from perfect, I need to strive for that goal, and try to limit the # of times I am faith-less to God, first, to my family 2nd, and to others
I need to think like a "man/woman" and act like one too. I know I've been trying. God help me to get it right for You!
I felt "led" to read about love today, hmmm...
I Corinthians 13...
"... Love suffers long & is kind
Love does not envy
love does not parade itself and is not "puffed up"
love does not behave rudely
love does not seek its own
love is not provoked & thinks no evil
love does not rejoice in sin but in the truth
love bears all things
love believes all things & hopes all things
love endures all things
love never fails..."
Here is a verse that really made me think today: vs. 11- "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
And I've always loved this verse because I'm not good at the "faith" thing (I never have been & when you attend a pentecostal church- which I don't anymore-, well that can be a problem) and sometimes, when things have been their darkest, I found it hard to hope, but God knows I love Him more than anything and He has given me a love for sometimes unlove-able kids and parents and He gave Rob and I a love for each other when our marriage was not too hot, so I love this verse... I guess I feel like I may be bad at everything else, but at least on this one God won't turn me away because He knows I do love.
vs. 13- "And now abide faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love."
So, I'm thinking of my family issues again & work. Given what Christ did for me (the original gift & the TONS of other stuff- repeated forgiveness, repeated patience, repeated teaching & reteaching, not giving up on me or getting so frustrated at me that He throws in the towel, blessings too many to mention.... Am I really living up to the real meaning of "love?" Where I was ten or fifteen years ago, well I was "a child" then- in my early-mid 20's trying to deal with a lot of stressors and not knowing as many of the "facts" of life or the "facts" of situations as I do now. But now, aren't I finally becoming a "man/woman/grown-up" in Christ? I sure hope so! :) So shouldn't I quit looking at things through my own eyes and see what He says?
"... Love suffers long & is kind-
Sometimes love has to suffer because we're none of us perfect, but it is still kind- I can still be kind; I don't have to bring up the past. I don't have to join in if I don't want to, but I don't have to be hurtful to say no either. I don't have to be "ugly" just because others are. I can still be kind. And, when I think about it at work, I have been. I haven't spread gossip or rumors or talked bad about others. I smile and try to be friendly. I don't have to be best friends and sit around and shoot the breeze and not doing so doesn't make me unkind either.
Love does not envy-
I don't have to envy cousins, aunts, uncles, others who have relationships I don't
love does not parade itself and is not "puffed up"-
I don't need to defend my momma's family or my momma or even myself; first of all, no one is perfect and no family is perfect and I'm not responsible for things my family may have said or done and we all are in need of forgiveness and mercy; I need to remember that scripture I like- "don't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing that your charitable deed may be in secret" Do what I do for Him and don't worry about the rest
love does not behave rudely
I can't be rude, but that doesn't mean I have to try to be everyone's best friend either. I don't have to participate in after school socializing if I need to get work done and get to my kids. I don't have to talk on the phone if I am uncomfortable with it.
love does not seek its own
Don't think of myself, think of others- what do they need? how can I serve them? what would God want me to do for them?
love is not provoked & thinks no evil
I can't be "ugly"- I need to make sure I don't behave in an unforgiving manner, hold grudges, be rude, gossip, listen to gossip, give my hurts and frustrations to God first & foremost
love does not rejoice in sin but in the truth
don't laugh at evil and sinful things; don't participate or listen to conversations that involve things God wouldn't approve of, don't be "holier-than-thou" but just don't participate
love bears all things, believes all things & hopes all things
I need family that "bears" with me on my bad days, that believes in me (even if I don't) and hopes the best for me. I need to be that for my family too. I need to be there as a "cheerleader" for my coworkers, students, families. I need to bear with their bad days too and believe & hope for good things for them too
love endures all things
I need to endure through hard days just like I want those around me to endure me when I am less than patient, less than kind, less than what I should be. I need to remember that God didn't promise a life of happiness and prosperity, but He promised to be with us always
love never fails
If I have God's love, & He never fails, then I need to never fail. Though that is the perfect standard, and I'm far from perfect, I need to strive for that goal, and try to limit the # of times I am faith-less to God, first, to my family 2nd, and to others
I need to think like a "man/woman" and act like one too. I know I've been trying. God help me to get it right for You!
Bored
I am having to do this in "spells" because the dizzies have struck again. I'm home sick again, and bored out of my gourd! I know Momma, but you have to admit I haven't used that words in ages. I can't even remember the last time I was truly bored.
I made it through the "planning day" yesterday, and tried not to let it show to anyone that I was sick, though Kristen knew. I can't fool her, and I'm not good at playing the tough role like my Momma can. Kristen can see right through me even on the few times that I've really tried. By the time everyone left yesterday afternoon, I was really not feeling well. I made it to the recliner at 7:00 and fell asleep, moving to bed about 8:00 and sleeping until 6:30 this morning when I got up for work, tried to get ready for work, & ultimately called off. I slept all morning, and have only sat up straight for about 30 minutes today before getting sick enough that I had to go lay back down here in the recliner.
Yesterday our grade level got to "skip" school (subs provided) and have a planning day. I offered our house as a meeting site if people wanted thinking it would be more comfy than a public place like the library or a restaurant. I fixed some food and drinks... We got a lot done that needed to be done, not as much as I had hoped, but enough for now. I was so nervous because there seems to be this tension between some on our grade level, and I wanted it to be a nice, fun, relaxing day for everyone. I don't know how that went; I felt like there was some tense-ness between some, but I don't know. I am often sensitive and am always a bit on the paranoid side. I know the things that have been said to me this year by my coworkers and the issues that some of them have with me, and I feel like there's a lot that's probably not said that they would like to say but won't. I think (am pretty sure) that some of them don't care for me much. I hate it, and I have tried to think of ways to fix it and have even tried some to change who I am a bit (if I could), but I can't. I am who I am, fat, big-mouth, sensitive, paranoid, put-myself-down, can't-say-no, avoid-confrontation, and everything else. I'm tired of trying to please people (did you hear that Pop & Momma???)!!! I'm just going to be me. Forget it! I'm also thinking I should start looking for another job down the road at another school. The question I'm asking God is where do You want me to be? And if I'm moving, when & where?
I made it through the "planning day" yesterday, and tried not to let it show to anyone that I was sick, though Kristen knew. I can't fool her, and I'm not good at playing the tough role like my Momma can. Kristen can see right through me even on the few times that I've really tried. By the time everyone left yesterday afternoon, I was really not feeling well. I made it to the recliner at 7:00 and fell asleep, moving to bed about 8:00 and sleeping until 6:30 this morning when I got up for work, tried to get ready for work, & ultimately called off. I slept all morning, and have only sat up straight for about 30 minutes today before getting sick enough that I had to go lay back down here in the recliner.
Yesterday our grade level got to "skip" school (subs provided) and have a planning day. I offered our house as a meeting site if people wanted thinking it would be more comfy than a public place like the library or a restaurant. I fixed some food and drinks... We got a lot done that needed to be done, not as much as I had hoped, but enough for now. I was so nervous because there seems to be this tension between some on our grade level, and I wanted it to be a nice, fun, relaxing day for everyone. I don't know how that went; I felt like there was some tense-ness between some, but I don't know. I am often sensitive and am always a bit on the paranoid side. I know the things that have been said to me this year by my coworkers and the issues that some of them have with me, and I feel like there's a lot that's probably not said that they would like to say but won't. I think (am pretty sure) that some of them don't care for me much. I hate it, and I have tried to think of ways to fix it and have even tried some to change who I am a bit (if I could), but I can't. I am who I am, fat, big-mouth, sensitive, paranoid, put-myself-down, can't-say-no, avoid-confrontation, and everything else. I'm tired of trying to please people (did you hear that Pop & Momma???)!!! I'm just going to be me. Forget it! I'm also thinking I should start looking for another job down the road at another school. The question I'm asking God is where do You want me to be? And if I'm moving, when & where?
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