Almost there

Taking a quick mini brain-break between chapters of the thesis... I have so many emotions and thoughts as I'm ending this big chapter of my life.  Before you read on (if anyone is here besides my brain and me), I'm not crazy- well not medication/hospital/lock-me-up-and-put-me-away crazy anyway, not yet.  But in my head there are two Rebekah's- one my hubby calls "Evil Rebekah" and the new one that is learning to like herself at least a little somedays.  We've been having quite the conversations lately.

• Oh my word,  I have so much to do still!  You're going to fail at the end.  Shut up, I am NO quitter!
• I can't believe the end is almost here! Wow, you've managed to do it!
• I am going to make it. :)  Am I going to make it? 
• Wow, me!!! I am writing a thesis!   Yeah, well you've had to look pretty stupid to some people for all your dumb questions & your struggles with that stupid lit review, and it probably isn't much of a thesis.  It's not like it's a "real thesis" anyway that you had to defend. Yeah, well whatever it is, I did it, and I am going to graduate.  They don't let stupid people earn masters' degrees you know!
• I always said I wasn't smart enough to get a masters' degree, and now I'm less than a month from completing one.  How can that be possible?
• Graduation?!?!  Why did I say I'd march?  I have to walk in front of a large crowd and put myself out there in front of others.  What was I thinking????
• I don't want all the attention.  I just want to get my diploma, get a photo with my kids and my niece, chat with my family about anything not-me and go back home.
• I want to attend my commencement because it's the right thing to do.  I worked hard for this and should take a minute to be proud of myself.  If it were my kids I'd bug them to go.  I will regret it later if I don't.  I'm setting a good example for my three young adults who will remember this.  A family memory, a moment they can be proud of their mom.
• I'm setting a good example for my firsties who will remember the teacher they helped earn her degree and graduate.  Who knows how far that might go in their lives someday??? Maybe not, but then again, it might just help them.
• It's not a big deal. Yes it is. No, it's not. Yes it is. No. Yes. No.....
• I wonder if he knows.  Do I care? I wish he did know.  Would he be proud of me? What would he say?  Who cares, he died and you didn't do it for him.  But I wish I could tell him.  Get over it.  Well, I do.
• It's just a degree, Rebekah.  Still, you've worked hard, and you never thought you'd even pursue one let alone earn one.
• You've changed a lot, girl.  A LOT.  You don't listen to the evil me as much anymore.
• This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I just want it to be over now.  Soon, girl, soon.  You're almost there.
• Can I sleep please?????   NEVER!!! mwhahahaha

Goals and accomplishments

Just about to wrap up this degree.  Getting majorly worn down and running on no sleep now, but I am also excited and absolutely terrified about the idea of walking across the platform in front of all those strangers. The cap and gown are paid for, the honor cords purchased, the vehicle reservation and dogs' boarding reservations made, the sub scheduled and confirmed...  if I can get it all done in the next ten days it's going to really happen.

But this morning what I want to remember is that I finally broke the 300 mark on the scale.  It took eleven months and a week, but I did it!  I've been waiting for days and days and days (about three weeks now) to see this number finally make its way onto the scale. :) My weight loss is more in inches and the scale will budge in bits.  It jumps several pounds at once and then it won't move again for weeks- very frustrating when a doctor and trainer think you're not trying hard enough or doing enough.

I keep reminding myself what I said all along because it's true, and I know myself better than anyone else.  I put this weight on slowly over twenty years, it needs to come off slowly so that I can keep it off and not do the lose/gain thing I've done over the years.  So it's not just that it took me 11 months and 1 week to lose over 50 pounds, but in 11 months and 1 week I have lost 50 pounds and KEPT IT OFF! :)

I'm so happy about this, but I don't have time to dwell on it more- a lit review, the creation/assembly of a thesis, a month-long lit unit all await my creation as well as taxes and lesson plans.  I'll be happy while I work and celebrate so many things in my life next month. :)