Just as everyone has their own particular wishes to change the past, I have thought a lot on my life so far. I used to think I'd change things financially or make different choices about my parenting. As a teacher, you always think of things you'd do differently if given the chance and hindsight.... But this last year, I have come to the conclusion that if given the opportunity to go back and fix something, there is one and only one thing I'd change. I'd willingly do the rest of my silliness and stupidity all over if I could just undo the obesity. Oh, how I wish I could rewind these pounds, the fat, the hurt, the self-hate that put it there, and the health things that I have to deal with now because of them.
I know I can't. I am trying SO HARD to stay focused on the positive and keep moving forward. Most days I can do that and even pretty well, if I do say so myself. :) But if I am being honest, I am in excruciating pain and that is making it hard. Man, am I mad at myself! SO sick of this fat girl who ruined herself! I keep punishing her in the gym, telling her and her damn hips and bat-wing arms and hideous ass to die, but she is starting to fight back now. This fight is getting ugly now. The scale won't move even though I work hard and faithfully. I am having to up the anty and work more/harder. I am reevaluating everything I'm doing to see if I'm not doing something right or need to make more changes. Went out and bought a food scale today even though I measure and am pretty good about food now; maybe I'm fooling myself or not being as accurate as I think I am. I have to do something so I'll add that to my battle strategies.
If there is anyone reading this who is fighting this battle and is younger, I here is what I'd say thing to you- DO NOT hate yourself! DO NOT give up on yourself! Your body will pay you back and it will be painful, ugly, and very, very retaliating if you don't do it now. I know how hard it is, but you are worth fighting for. Don't pay attention to the people who stare, laugh, say ugly things, smirk.... Don't look in the mirror and think you're not worth it. Don't give up and say it's too late. Ignore the well-meaning people who try to encourage you and tell you what you should or should not do. Just do what you can, move and listen to your own body.
And to myself, I guess I have to say this too... Rebekah, do not give up on yourself. It isn't coming off as fast as you and others might like. Right now, it isn't coming off at all, but it will eventually get better. In the last two years you've lost 75 pounds (or more) and kept it off which is not something you've ever done before. That should count for something! In the mean time, you are working harder, doing things you couldn't do a year ago or even a few months ago. You can swim longer, ride the bike harder, do more weights/reps, and can do lots of exercises you couldn't even do at all a year ago. You can do the elliptical!!! Girl, you couldn't even go a minute on that last July!!! You worked up the courage to go to exercise classes. You flipping starting going to Zumba with a bunch of smaller/younger people and don't walk out even though you're embarrassed and look silly. You sucked it up and went to water class even though you hate being the new kid and hate being in social settings. You fought through the anxiety to do those things. You did that!!! Not with any one's help either- no Rob, no friends, no family, no one- just you! Do you hear me?!?! You will get through this, knees and all the rest. You will show the rest of them just what you are made of.
If "this Rebekah" could talk to the one hidden inside me, the real me that I don't let anyone see, this is what I'd say.
