Boundaries

I've never been good at setting boundaries for myself.  I have often let people walk on me, and then often feel guilty (psycho, I am!).  I also am not good at setting personal boundaries, as in I overextend myself ALL. THE. TIME.  "No" has not been in my vocabulary with regards to personal relationships.

When I changed schools two years ago, I had reached a wall, turning point, whatever you want to call it.  I made so many changes within myself that spring and have maintained them all.  And starting fresh can sometimes be just what someone needs.  At least in my case it was.  I still overextend myself all the time, but at least now it is more about me doing things I want to do and less about doing what I "ought to do" or what someone else wants me to do.  I still don't know how to just sit, be quiet, relax, take it easy, which I realize is probably a problem, but I'm happy. :)  Work wise- I'm in a much better place, feel super supported, loved, and appreciated and feel like I'm growing again instead of just fighting to stay alive.

And recently something else just "clicked" inside me again- I felt it almost physically.  A line was crossed and the reaction I felt in my gut, in my heart, and in my head said, "No more!" It hurts that I have to set a boundary with someone I once loved, but I have spent my entire adult life wishing for what was not to be.  I have had years and years and years of nightmares where my brain tried to make sense of my desire to be known and loved with the awfulness of a childhood trauma and the silence that came from others.  It's left me with countless sleepless nights and awful, teary mornings and days with an uneasiness that I had to fight throughout whatever I was doing.

No more.  I will not do this again and again and again.  I wish it were different.  I wish I could make it all go away and be something else.  I really do.  It is not about unforgiveness or holding grudges.  It is about too much time passing, too much silence in the void, too many attempts on my part and too much hurt and fear of hurting more for my heart to be able to make another risky leap into that void.  I cannot offer what I do not have to give.  I have forgiven, but I cannot give back what someone else gave up and took away.  Trust, once broken, is not easy to restore, but when countless attempts at trusting someone and loving someone are ignored and rebuffed... well, it's just too late.

Someone else filled that place. My children.  Rita.  Especially my Firsties, the Kinderkids, the little ones that I have adored and will continue to love each year and who give me back more unconditional love than I could ever fathom (and their families).  And for that, I suppose I actually should thank you.  Because of you, I know what rejection feels like and the hurt and damage that can do to a child.  And because of that I am a better person, a much better teacher.  I have, hopefully, loved and helped children because of that knowledge.  And maybe, just maybe, the world is or will be a better place.  So it's not all bad.

Stuck

I haven't written in a while.  It doesn't mean I've stopped.  The last few months have been busy, very busy.  I got sick.  Reactions to meds. Bad allergies. Tendinitis. Decisions.

Life.

And in all that life, I've gotten stuck on the scale.  :(  Nothing horrible. Just stuck.  I have to be honest too.  My eating is suffering.  I'm having a hard time.  This is the first big, long, hard plateau I've had.  I am fighting a little discouragement.  I am aggravated at myself and my lack of self control on tightening up myself.  I am not doing as well as I was about being able to self-talk.  What happened to the girl who used to hate herself and used that to motivate herself?

I keep thinking, that for all the people who told me it was not good to self-hate and say mean things to myself- "See, it worked."  I know, mental.  Seriously.

My clothes are getting tighter and my shape is slowly changing in some needed places, but it is slow.  I needed it to go faster than this.

BUT- and this is a good but- I haven't given up either.  I'm still trying, still going to the gym, still aware of the problem and trying.  The old Rebekah would have given up a long time ago.  I may have hit a bump, but I'm still fighting.

I will win this war.