BUT... I have come to really understand better why people who commit suicide do it, and I understand what it means when it is said that suicide is really a cry for help. I have an understanding of this after months and months (really years) of enduring hell and trying to help children with severe mental health problems, being physically abused at times at school, having little to no support many times, and my sincere question is this- what is a person supposed to do who doesn't want to off themselves or harm themselves but really needs for the hell they're in to stop? I don't want to die. I don't want to inflict harm on my person. I don't want to worry my loved ones or go to the hospital or have people view me as damaged goods or have a label put on me- which it would be if I did harm myself or let people know how much I am hurting inside. I simply need to get off this ride I've been riding. I want the mental pain to go away. Not a break or reprieve for a short while that I then have to come back to - winter or spring breaks where you get to "recharge your battery" but come back to the same old shit and endure more of the same. I want to not have to listen to screaming every day. Not be hit or kicked. Not have to endure multiple children throwing God-awful epic temper tantrums or harming themselves. Not having to be the mental health care worker for SO many kids (something I am not trained for) while I am also supposed to be trying to teach. And oh yeah, not have life throwing so many other stupid little curveballs while all this is going on would be nice too. This year has just really been crummy.
I know there's worse things in life. I really do. I was raised to think of others and to be aware that there's always someone who has it worse than you do, so I try to remember that at all times. I always end up feeling like I'm being a baby or a drama queen for getting frustrated over things going on in my life. But seriously, since July 2023 (the last ten months) we have had:
- July- both of us got a really bad Norovirus that took us out for two weeks
- August- I was sent to the ER by my primary care at the end of the 2nd week of school because I couldn't even sit up from stomach pain- I spent the whole week walking doubled over- I almost passed out driving to her office- diagnosis- ulcers (2nd time I've been diagnosed with this in the last few years- both times from school stress)- while that was going on they "see something" on my liver & have to have that looked at
- September- 3rd week of school- caught Covid from a kid at school & gave it to Rob too (our 2nd time to have it)
- October- bronchitis following Covid & car problem #1
- November- hurt my shoulders working in yard/gardens & car problem # 2
- December- stomach bug
- January- February -got the flu & was SICKER than I have been since the first time I had COVID- BAD! followed by a nasty bronchitis that was borderline pneumonia
- all winter- continued shoulder pain that has never improved even with 1 steroid injection in December
- March- diagnosis - possible frozen shoulder or torn rotator cuff- got a 2nd ultrasound guided injection & Rob lost his phone so we had to lay out money for a new one
- April- Rob can't walk or sit up- has to go to urgent care & then spine specialist- has a nerve block and multiple medications that only reduce pain to about 50% and he can barely walk half a block now with manageable pain- waiting for PT appointment weeks from now and then further procedures/surgery
It has literally been something every month, and it's getting really old. I think if work wasn't insane I wouldn't be bothered by all this other crap. I normally can laugh off quite a bit, and I have been doing that all along, but this last week Rob wasn't able to work because of his back so I was driving by myself. Because my routine was different I guess, I couldn't find my car keys one morning and was flipping out a little (maybe a little more than a little) and by the time I found them and got myself in the car and pulled away I was bawling my eyes out. I have no idea why really; I know it wasn't really about the keys. It was lack of sleep because, oh yeah, I'm having nightmares and bad dreams multiple times a night (for weeks and weeks now) on top of everything else. I was thinking in my head, "Oh what I would give to just be able to have a good night's rest. I am so utterly tired." And how tired I am of bad dreams and nightmares and being scared of the dark at 53 because of bad things that happened long, long ago. And how I don't want to go to school anymore, and how sad that makes me. And then I thought, I JUST WANT ALL THIS MADNESS TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that's when this whole thing hit me- I don't want to off myself, I really don't. But I really do want all this other shit to stop- the sleepless nights and bad dreams, the PTSD, the stress, the carrying burdens for others, the dealing with other people's mental health messes, and just a small break from all the crap life has been throwing at us.
So seriously, what do you have to do? Because I really would like to know.
