I'm feeling a little low. My heart is burdened and sorrowful. I see so much hurt and ugliness in the world, especially towards kids and young people. I sometimes feel like I can't take it anymore. I start to say, "I don't want to care anymore God." But before that idea can even fully form in my brain (let alone actually come out of my mouth), I take it back. I wouldn't want to not care, not really. No, I couldn't be like that.
It's just so hard, God. I know You know, so much more than I could possibly ever understand. I guess this must just be a tiny piece of what You feel on a daily basis???
It's a little humbling to give so little to people and it be so much to some. Rob says there is a line in a Sammy Hagar song that says, "And empty hand reaching out to someone, an empty heart, takes so little to fill." It's very true. It hurts to know that children/people I know have so little good in their life, especially when I look at my life, my family, my home. I am so blessed, and again, humbled.
Why God? Why do some have more blessings and others so little to look forward to in life? Why am I so blessed with love & a good family? Why God, do some people hurt their own children so deeply and wound them so much? How can something You created be so ugly and destructive? How can something that has so much potential go so far from what You created us to be? Why did You really have to give Adam and Eve the choice? Part of me wishes You never would have.
I know You understand where all these ?s are coming from. I know You'll not be angry at me for You see my heart and know where my feelings stem from and that I only am distressed at the hurt in the lives of the children/youth I know. Thank You for understanding me, Father, even better than I understand myself. Thank You for blessing me for whatever reason; I so don't deserve it.
Please, Father, please help me to find a better way(s) to serve the people You've placed in my life and to help light a candle in their hearts somehow through my love, my action, what I say and do. Let me give a little hope in a dark place.
Rebekah
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I want to know Jesus more than I do. I want to know "who" He was as a man. What He thought, felt, said, did. So I'm reading.
Matthew 8:20 "Jesus said, ' Foxes have holes, birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.'"
Matthew 9:12 "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick... For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."
Matthew 9:36 "When He saw the crowds, He had compassion for them because they were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd."
Matthew 11 :28 "Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 14:14 "When He went ashore, He saw a great crowd and He had compassion on them and healed their sick."
Matthew 15:32 "...I have compassion on the crowd because.... they have nothing to eat, and I am unwilling to send them away hungry..."
Matthew 19:14 "...Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them'... and He laid hands on them..."
Matthew 20:26 "...whoever would be great among you must be your servant & whoever would be first must be your slave even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve & to give His life as a ransom for many."
Matthew 22: 37-39 "Love your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind... You shall love your neighbor as yourself..."
Mark 1:41 "Moved with pity..."
Mark 3:5 "...grieved at their hardness of heart..."
I'm starting to get a clearer picture. This Man was acquainted with loneliness, with sorrow, with trials. He loved people and felt compassion for them and their problems and did whatever He could for them. He met practical needs as well as spiritual- feeding them, blessing them, listening, healing. Most of all, He lived what He said. He served and did not put Himself above others. He gave of Himself. He sacrificed daily in his own life as well as paying the ultimate price at the end of His life.
Thank you God, for Your life, Your example. For loving people so much and for all You did for people when You were a man, and even yet still centuries later. Thank You for Your word where I can go read about You and who You were. Thank You for helping me to understand You a little better. Thank You for loving me and living in me. Help me to keep learning more of "who" You were & are, and help me to be more like You.
Rebekah
Matthew 8:20 "Jesus said, ' Foxes have holes, birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.'"
Matthew 9:12 "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick... For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."
Matthew 9:36 "When He saw the crowds, He had compassion for them because they were harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd."
Matthew 11 :28 "Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 14:14 "When He went ashore, He saw a great crowd and He had compassion on them and healed their sick."
Matthew 15:32 "...I have compassion on the crowd because.... they have nothing to eat, and I am unwilling to send them away hungry..."
Matthew 19:14 "...Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to Me and do not hinder them'... and He laid hands on them..."
Matthew 20:26 "...whoever would be great among you must be your servant & whoever would be first must be your slave even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve & to give His life as a ransom for many."
Matthew 22: 37-39 "Love your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind... You shall love your neighbor as yourself..."
Mark 1:41 "Moved with pity..."
Mark 3:5 "...grieved at their hardness of heart..."
I'm starting to get a clearer picture. This Man was acquainted with loneliness, with sorrow, with trials. He loved people and felt compassion for them and their problems and did whatever He could for them. He met practical needs as well as spiritual- feeding them, blessing them, listening, healing. Most of all, He lived what He said. He served and did not put Himself above others. He gave of Himself. He sacrificed daily in his own life as well as paying the ultimate price at the end of His life.
Thank you God, for Your life, Your example. For loving people so much and for all You did for people when You were a man, and even yet still centuries later. Thank You for Your word where I can go read about You and who You were. Thank You for helping me to understand You a little better. Thank You for loving me and living in me. Help me to keep learning more of "who" You were & are, and help me to be more like You.
Rebekah
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Baby Steps
I know, I know, God, I've been here before- how many times? I don't even want to know the answer to that question. But God, you know You've got my attention this time. You really do.
They may be baby steps, but Father I am really trying. 2 quarts to 1 gallon of water a day each day this week, healthier eating & smaller portions, didn't even get my favorite strawberry fruit slush the two times a kid went to sonic this week, got my exercise bike and started using it.... I told my students before break to help bug me about the water and they are (so is my assistant). They are excited to see me drain that big jug of water, ask me if I rode my bike, and most of all are so loving to me in this effort I'm making. They, like You, love me just as I am!
Most importantly reading Your word- really doing it too, not just a chapter or two. Finishing a whole book in the Bible in one week - 4 days actually- (not Isaiah maybe, but not Ruth either). ;) I'm trying so hard to put You first in my life- my home life, my work life, my heart, everywhere. Even gave up eating in the cafe with the other teachers and my kids (which can be a big problem sometimes when coworkers take offense or don't understand) to do something I felt like I was supposed to do at lunch instead.
I know I've fallen down so many times You really should be sick to death of me. But may I say thanks for not being sick of me. Thanks for picking me up, dusting me off, and gently nudging me back onto the path of taking care of me. That is so hard for me to do- I'm used to taking care of my kids, my hubby, my checkbook, my students and their families, even coworkers, but not myself. Thank You Father for being patient with me as I learn how to do this.
Truth is, I know that I can't do this. I can't God, and You know it too. If I could, I'd never have gotten to this stage of Two Ton Tessie. I would have long ago done what needed to be done because if I could do it, it would be so easy. This is going to be impossibly difficult. Lots of people keep telling me "You can do it." "You can do anything you set your mind to." "If you could go to school, have kids, be a good teacher....... (fill in the blank) then you can do this....." But people don't know (unless they are truly this huge). I know You do. Right now I'm grateful for You still loving me as I am- and if I died today in this elephant stage I know You'd still take me in. But I know You can make me change, You can make me who I need to be and, Lord, who I truly want to be, a healthier person who will live to see her grandchildren if You allow it.
For tonight, I'm thankfully Your Two Ton Tessie daughter working on being One Ton Wanda. ;)
P.S. Did I make You smile at least a little God? I try. :)
Rebekah
They may be baby steps, but Father I am really trying. 2 quarts to 1 gallon of water a day each day this week, healthier eating & smaller portions, didn't even get my favorite strawberry fruit slush the two times a kid went to sonic this week, got my exercise bike and started using it.... I told my students before break to help bug me about the water and they are (so is my assistant). They are excited to see me drain that big jug of water, ask me if I rode my bike, and most of all are so loving to me in this effort I'm making. They, like You, love me just as I am!
Most importantly reading Your word- really doing it too, not just a chapter or two. Finishing a whole book in the Bible in one week - 4 days actually- (not Isaiah maybe, but not Ruth either). ;) I'm trying so hard to put You first in my life- my home life, my work life, my heart, everywhere. Even gave up eating in the cafe with the other teachers and my kids (which can be a big problem sometimes when coworkers take offense or don't understand) to do something I felt like I was supposed to do at lunch instead.
I know I've fallen down so many times You really should be sick to death of me. But may I say thanks for not being sick of me. Thanks for picking me up, dusting me off, and gently nudging me back onto the path of taking care of me. That is so hard for me to do- I'm used to taking care of my kids, my hubby, my checkbook, my students and their families, even coworkers, but not myself. Thank You Father for being patient with me as I learn how to do this.
Truth is, I know that I can't do this. I can't God, and You know it too. If I could, I'd never have gotten to this stage of Two Ton Tessie. I would have long ago done what needed to be done because if I could do it, it would be so easy. This is going to be impossibly difficult. Lots of people keep telling me "You can do it." "You can do anything you set your mind to." "If you could go to school, have kids, be a good teacher....... (fill in the blank) then you can do this....." But people don't know (unless they are truly this huge). I know You do. Right now I'm grateful for You still loving me as I am- and if I died today in this elephant stage I know You'd still take me in. But I know You can make me change, You can make me who I need to be and, Lord, who I truly want to be, a healthier person who will live to see her grandchildren if You allow it.
For tonight, I'm thankfully Your Two Ton Tessie daughter working on being One Ton Wanda. ;)
P.S. Did I make You smile at least a little God? I try. :)
Rebekah
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Momma, What If's, God's promise
Most people who know me know that this girl LOVES her momma! I'm way more attached than most people probably are- in some ways it's probably "not right," but then I'm "not right" so it's okay. :) Most people out here don't know this about me; in fact most people I've known as an adult don't know this, but my "real" dad died when I was 11, and I've always been clingy to my momma since. I'm just a momma's girl is all.
Moving out here so far away from my family-momma especially- was very, very, did I say VERY hard. It was certainly the most adventurous thing I've ever done- well besides having three babies in three years while pursuing my teaching degree (but I think that's more insane than adventurous). :) I knew it was what we were supposed to do, but I felt like (and still do feel this way many, many times) I was abandoning my Momma & Pop. What if they get sick? What if they have to be in the hospital? What if they need help with their home, their yard, their car, just something, anything? What if they get hurt? What if they need us? What if? What if?
Ok, here's honest. Here is the BIG one that is so hard to say- What if the cancer comes back? And I'm way out here far away from someone so very truly dear to me, someone that no one can ever replace? What if I can't get back out there?
I've tried really hard to not think about the "what if's" too much or to let myself dwell on them. I can't change the future by worrying about it or by worrying about things that may or may not happen. Sometimes that doesn't work though, like when your Momma or Pop is sick, or you get a call that they are in the ER, or there is "something" there and your mom has to go back to the dr., or your mom is sick and you just don't want the "C" to come back.
I went through this so many times with God from the time we started talking about moving out here, to interviewing, to contemplating accepting jobs, to preparing to move, to moving, to living out here, to present day when I think of these things at least weekly. I feel so guilty for leaving my family behind and separating our family so far away from each other. Each time I've talked about this with God though, I am always reminded of a lesson He taught me back in '05 when we were preparing to leave. That helps a lot to remember things God taught me, even if it doesn't make me feel 100% better, it helps to know He is watching, He cares, He will help no matter what "ifs" happen.
Tonight, as I was reading my Bible, I saw a scripture that I never really saw before even though I've had to have read it several times in my life. Matthew 19:29 "Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or fathers or mothers or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life."
I don't even begin to liken my moving to NC to be like anything big or any major sacrifice that compares to so many true sacrifices people are having to make or have made. I am no martyr or super Christian or wonderful Godly woman. But this I do know. I love my momma, and I had to leave her behind to come out here and teach because God said to do it. I left my momma, my Pop, my sister, and a few dear friends for Him. Maybe in some small way, that will count. At least I know now that God counts it.
Thanks God for that promise You showed me tonight. And God, will You please take care of a momma, a pop, a sister "back there" where we left, no matter the "what if's" that come our way? I know You will, and I thank You for that.
Yours,
Rebekah :)
Moving out here so far away from my family-momma especially- was very, very, did I say VERY hard. It was certainly the most adventurous thing I've ever done- well besides having three babies in three years while pursuing my teaching degree (but I think that's more insane than adventurous). :) I knew it was what we were supposed to do, but I felt like (and still do feel this way many, many times) I was abandoning my Momma & Pop. What if they get sick? What if they have to be in the hospital? What if they need help with their home, their yard, their car, just something, anything? What if they get hurt? What if they need us? What if? What if?
Ok, here's honest. Here is the BIG one that is so hard to say- What if the cancer comes back? And I'm way out here far away from someone so very truly dear to me, someone that no one can ever replace? What if I can't get back out there?
I've tried really hard to not think about the "what if's" too much or to let myself dwell on them. I can't change the future by worrying about it or by worrying about things that may or may not happen. Sometimes that doesn't work though, like when your Momma or Pop is sick, or you get a call that they are in the ER, or there is "something" there and your mom has to go back to the dr., or your mom is sick and you just don't want the "C" to come back.
I went through this so many times with God from the time we started talking about moving out here, to interviewing, to contemplating accepting jobs, to preparing to move, to moving, to living out here, to present day when I think of these things at least weekly. I feel so guilty for leaving my family behind and separating our family so far away from each other. Each time I've talked about this with God though, I am always reminded of a lesson He taught me back in '05 when we were preparing to leave. That helps a lot to remember things God taught me, even if it doesn't make me feel 100% better, it helps to know He is watching, He cares, He will help no matter what "ifs" happen.
Tonight, as I was reading my Bible, I saw a scripture that I never really saw before even though I've had to have read it several times in my life. Matthew 19:29 "Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or fathers or mothers or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life."
I don't even begin to liken my moving to NC to be like anything big or any major sacrifice that compares to so many true sacrifices people are having to make or have made. I am no martyr or super Christian or wonderful Godly woman. But this I do know. I love my momma, and I had to leave her behind to come out here and teach because God said to do it. I left my momma, my Pop, my sister, and a few dear friends for Him. Maybe in some small way, that will count. At least I know now that God counts it.
Thanks God for that promise You showed me tonight. And God, will You please take care of a momma, a pop, a sister "back there" where we left, no matter the "what if's" that come our way? I know You will, and I thank You for that.
Yours,
Rebekah :)
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