Let me start by saying that I'm "different" than most of the teachers I know and most of the ones I work with. I know some of them (maybe all for all I know) think and have told me that I'm too "soft" with the kids. I get the feeling/impression that they think I'm a real pushover. But I'm not. I'm just different.
See some of the ladies I work with are much more assertive about themselves than I am. They are confident about themselves, voice their feelings and opinion more freely, and are very firm. They set boundaries and sometimes they are loud with their students. That's what works for them- their style. I'm cool with that. It's just not me. I think if they spent time in my room, they would see that although I am different, what works for me works for me- if you get my drift.
I'm a lover, I guess, when it comes to kids. I am just too much of a mom to be anything else anywhere else- even getting called "Big Mama" once last year- that's another blog I should write. I am always hugging on my kids, letting them crawl up in my lap, praising & complimenting and rewarding (this drives one of my coworkers crazy with me- I think she really hates that about me)... And when I discipline it's not with yelling or berating, it's, I don't know, "softer" I guess. Oooh, so I guess maybe I am soft compared to the rest of my grade level, but I wish they wouldn't judge me that way because it works for me. Duh, Rebekah, like you're always telling your "home kids" and your "school kids", "Just because someone says something, doesn't make it so." :)
But, this week I changed; some of the others working Kindercamp noticed it too. I noticed it after I heard myself talking to a child. Now don't worry- I didn't yell, scream, have a fit, or put a child down. But I did hear my voice sounding much more firm, and I thought to myself , "Boy, that teacher's not going to take crap off anyone!" Then I realized it was me that was talking. :) Hmmmm....
We were talking about this, and Kristen commented on how I changed a little, and that got me to thinking. I wonder if coming back with a bit of attitude/hurt/aggravation/"chip on my shoulder" still from last year's "fun" (not!) maybe is actually good. Maybe that will help me not be quite so much to look the other way, allow kids to "mess up" quite so much, allow parents to walk all over me like a door mat (which is really an issue more than anything else probably)...
So, I think (not sure yet) that maybe I do have a new attitude. Now I just have to figure out how to match that attitude with my action- what action am I going to take? I can see I have some issues in my new students (got that much from Kindercamp) but what will I do when someone can't keep his hands off other people? Wants to go to the bathroom with a little girl? Won't line up when the teacher calls on the playground?
Then, on my ride home from school last night, I was thinking about all this and listening to see if God had any input, and it "occurred" to me (like it usually does when God is trying to talk to me) that maybe, just maybe all that ugliness I had to deal with last year that wore me out, made me emotionally tired, and maybe even a little "burned out"- boy I hate that phrase- had to happen to make me toughen up a bit. If that's right it took a lot of years and a lot of "hurts," frustrations, and tears as a teacher (believe me, there have been too many kids & parents to even begin to name here) to get to this point- quite a journey. Then I started crying, which is a sure sign God is around somewhere nearby- and I thought about that all the way home.
I always try to look for why God placed me in the lives of my students, and what can I do for them to make their life better and help them be their best and show them His love...., but it rarely occurs to me that maybe God is there, at school, for me too (I struggle with knowing that this is my "God call" in life but yet thinking that it is not "God's work" or that He would even bother to notice me or my work for Him- I can't tell you how many times I left church feeling like a failure because the message was about how our "jobs" aren't spiritual work and we needed to do more).
Now that I'm writing all this out, He reminded me of my earlier lesson with Denise who taught me that He is watching and He is in my classroom and He can speak through "the mouths of babes." And, maybe though I'm there to serve those little people and their families, maybe I can get something out of it for me too. Yeah, just maybe :) (Smile- I'm being a smart-aleck). Okay, God, so I'm starting to get it.
God, be patient with me, I'm still working on all this, and trying to understand it all and get what it is You want me to from it. Please remember, I'm riding on the "little yellow bus" to heaven, and I need extra time and accommodations since I'm a slow learner. :) I know, God, I'm a nut, but hopefully I make You laugh sometimes. :)
Your nutty child,
Rebekah :)
P.S. Thanks for the new attitude; help me to keep it, okay God? And maybe even use with a few adults in my life???
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Open House
Yesterday was a long day! Kristen, Tijuana, Sarah, and I had to work the last day of Kindercamp, get our rooms ready for Open House, and attend Open House. Ugh! I'm wiped out! The day went from 7:15 until 7:00, then I stayed and worked and talked with Kristen and Erin until 8:30.
Our room was crammed more full than I think it's ever been since I've been here. Out of the 21 students we have enrolled in our class, I think we had 17 or 18 come with their families. I still have to count up all my paperwork from last night and start entering all the info (oops- "data" is the NC approved word for this, Rebekah- repeat, data, data, data, we love the data...." ) -Smile here now- We were busy! I think it went well, and the parents seemed happy, the kids more so! They loved my little tent "camp" area we had and, of course, the fish & crabs. Some of the parents were letting their kids get away with "murder," so to speak- punching (I'm not exaggerating) my real traffic light, tearing in and out of the tent, hitting the aquarium and crab's tank... Even when I redirected their kid or said "that's for the teachers only" (with the parents standing/sitting right there) they just let them go on. That's always enlightening!
Kristen and I were happy to see several of our "old" kinderkids come back to say hello to us last night (and parents too). That always makes me feel good. We have some siblings this year too, of kids we had before, which I am thrilled about! And a parent from last year that I get to have again- YEAH!- pulled me aside to tell me that something that had been wrong last year that I had tried to pray about is better now. I almost cried right there in the classroom! God, you know what that issue was and the hurt that it had caused my student and his mom; thank you, thank you, thank you for fixing the situation!
And the first kid to come in our room last night was the one with which I was most exasperated with at year's end in June. And, I was almost surprised- but then again not- at the way all my aggravation and irritation just left when I realized who it was that was hugging my legs. That's God for you! I wanted and needed to let those issues go. Please help me to let the hurt go from the grandmama too.
Well, this summer flew by, literally. And now the first workweek has too. I have TONS to do for school to be ready for the first day on Tuesday. Thank God there is still one more workday to get ready. I still have to get some things ready for my first official "grade level meeting" and do lesson plans and on and on and on... Rob and I have to go buy hooks, and he's such a good husband that he's going to go drill them into the wall for me today. Right now I have enough cubby spaces for 18, but this year it looks like we're going to be overflowing with kids, so I need some more places for kids to put their backpacks and jackets. I am going to have him help me hang up a bulletin board, pocket chart, and some crates in the bathroom too. Yeah, in case you didn't know, teachers may get "all that time off" but we actually work more hours in a week/month/year than most people ever work all year long, and we don't get paid for those "extra" hours. They're just expected of us, but not paid. Not being bitter, just stating a little-known fact.
Well, it's Saturday, my day for weekly grocery shopping, assigning the kids' weekly housework jobs, running all our errands, and doing schoolwork the rest of the day. Yeah, school's back in session. I can tell it's back to life as I know it. Thanks God for the summer and more time with my kids and husband than I normally get in the school year. And, God, especially thanks for helping me to get my attitude in line with my heart and helping me to not begrudge being back at school; little by little, I'm going to be okay and make it through this year.
Now if I could just convince my body that it shouldn't be so sore, tired, and achy! I think maybe I aged a little bit this past year- seriously- I'm not joking. I HURT!!!! I don't know how in the world I will do this until I'm almost 70! :)
Our room was crammed more full than I think it's ever been since I've been here. Out of the 21 students we have enrolled in our class, I think we had 17 or 18 come with their families. I still have to count up all my paperwork from last night and start entering all the info (oops- "data" is the NC approved word for this, Rebekah- repeat, data, data, data, we love the data...." ) -Smile here now- We were busy! I think it went well, and the parents seemed happy, the kids more so! They loved my little tent "camp" area we had and, of course, the fish & crabs. Some of the parents were letting their kids get away with "murder," so to speak- punching (I'm not exaggerating) my real traffic light, tearing in and out of the tent, hitting the aquarium and crab's tank... Even when I redirected their kid or said "that's for the teachers only" (with the parents standing/sitting right there) they just let them go on. That's always enlightening!
Kristen and I were happy to see several of our "old" kinderkids come back to say hello to us last night (and parents too). That always makes me feel good. We have some siblings this year too, of kids we had before, which I am thrilled about! And a parent from last year that I get to have again- YEAH!- pulled me aside to tell me that something that had been wrong last year that I had tried to pray about is better now. I almost cried right there in the classroom! God, you know what that issue was and the hurt that it had caused my student and his mom; thank you, thank you, thank you for fixing the situation!
And the first kid to come in our room last night was the one with which I was most exasperated with at year's end in June. And, I was almost surprised- but then again not- at the way all my aggravation and irritation just left when I realized who it was that was hugging my legs. That's God for you! I wanted and needed to let those issues go. Please help me to let the hurt go from the grandmama too.
Well, this summer flew by, literally. And now the first workweek has too. I have TONS to do for school to be ready for the first day on Tuesday. Thank God there is still one more workday to get ready. I still have to get some things ready for my first official "grade level meeting" and do lesson plans and on and on and on... Rob and I have to go buy hooks, and he's such a good husband that he's going to go drill them into the wall for me today. Right now I have enough cubby spaces for 18, but this year it looks like we're going to be overflowing with kids, so I need some more places for kids to put their backpacks and jackets. I am going to have him help me hang up a bulletin board, pocket chart, and some crates in the bathroom too. Yeah, in case you didn't know, teachers may get "all that time off" but we actually work more hours in a week/month/year than most people ever work all year long, and we don't get paid for those "extra" hours. They're just expected of us, but not paid. Not being bitter, just stating a little-known fact.
Well, it's Saturday, my day for weekly grocery shopping, assigning the kids' weekly housework jobs, running all our errands, and doing schoolwork the rest of the day. Yeah, school's back in session. I can tell it's back to life as I know it. Thanks God for the summer and more time with my kids and husband than I normally get in the school year. And, God, especially thanks for helping me to get my attitude in line with my heart and helping me to not begrudge being back at school; little by little, I'm going to be okay and make it through this year.
Now if I could just convince my body that it shouldn't be so sore, tired, and achy! I think maybe I aged a little bit this past year- seriously- I'm not joking. I HURT!!!! I don't know how in the world I will do this until I'm almost 70! :)
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Love This Song!
This is my new very most favorite song in the world! It is me!!!!!!!!
Go to: http://www.castingcrowns.com/splash/altar/index2.php
Click on the play button at the bottom of the page for East to West.
Hope you like it too!
Go to: http://www.castingcrowns.com/splash/altar/index2.php
Click on the play button at the bottom of the page for East to West.
Hope you like it too!
God's Help & Will Power- Day #1
First official workday of the 2007-2008 school year. Meetings all day- yuck! I won't even go there!!! Then a very brief time left to work in my classroom before I start my evening running. There is so much to be done there and not enough time to get it all done by Open House on Friday afternoon/evening, so I'm trying to make a list of all I need to do, and then prioritize what is a "must" for Friday and what can wait until Monday.
So, for those who are occasionally reading these self-named rantings and have to put up with my silly thoughts, ramblings, etc. if you see day #2 or 3 or, hopefully, someday, 487 :) in my postings, you'll know that means another day I stuck with my plan and my goals and put myself first above school work and took care of me and exercised even if I didn't feel like it.
You go, girl, you go!
- Left school at 4:00 to go to East Forsyth High to pick up Matthew who had to attend Freshmen Orientation today and was, therefore, stuck at the high school with his dad.
- Stop for gas (duh, it uses that stuff, Rebekah!) in High Point
- Picked Matthew up @ 4:50, left for home.
- Pulled in the driveway @ 5:25. Matthew goes in to eat supper and do his chores; Robert comes out and gets in the car to go to work at the ballpark. (Thank God for kids that can and do take turns cooking for us all, and who do more than their share around the house, or we would never make it!) Fortunately for me, Barbara has Wednesdays off most of the time, or I would have had that too tonight!
- Come back home, eat supper, check email (both home & work since I didn't have time to do it at school today), take a quick peak through the snail mail.
- Leave @ 6:40 to take the kids to youth group.
- I did it! I did it! I did it! Even though I felt HORRIBLE, I went on the Y and walked 1.5 miles/30 minutes. I was praying and asking God to help me because I really did not feel up to it, but He did, and I made it. :) :) :)
- 8:00- go back to church and pick up the kids
- 8:35- get back home and start doing my "homework" for tomorrow. :)
So, for those who are occasionally reading these self-named rantings and have to put up with my silly thoughts, ramblings, etc. if you see day #2 or 3 or, hopefully, someday, 487 :) in my postings, you'll know that means another day I stuck with my plan and my goals and put myself first above school work and took care of me and exercised even if I didn't feel like it.
You go, girl, you go!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Just Say I'm Sorry!!!
I'm known for saying "I'm sorry" to everyone for anything, even (more often than not) when whatever I'm apologizing for isn't even my fault.
Well, it's obvious that gene or fault or trait or whatever it is didn't get passed on to at least one of my kids (actually more, but that's not the point here). This child has a real problem with saying those simple words, and he refuses to apologize when he has done something wrong. I knew this was an issue, but am seeing just how big of a deal it is or, maybe, just how stubborn he is! It's exasperating!!!!!!
Rob says it's a pride deal. Maybe that's what my problem really is, no pride at all! :) Ha! Ha!
Maybe he just feels that he has to make up for his mother apologizing too much, too often... He'll probably have to have psychiatric care someday for mental health issues related to his mom always "being sorry."
Well, it's obvious that gene or fault or trait or whatever it is didn't get passed on to at least one of my kids (actually more, but that's not the point here). This child has a real problem with saying those simple words, and he refuses to apologize when he has done something wrong. I knew this was an issue, but am seeing just how big of a deal it is or, maybe, just how stubborn he is! It's exasperating!!!!!!
Rob says it's a pride deal. Maybe that's what my problem really is, no pride at all! :) Ha! Ha!
Maybe he just feels that he has to make up for his mother apologizing too much, too often... He'll probably have to have psychiatric care someday for mental health issues related to his mom always "being sorry."
Monday, August 20, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
19
Today is August 19. Nineteen years ago today I was getting ready for my wedding rehearsal and the dinner to follow and finishing last minute things for my wedding on the 20th. I was 17 years old. Now today, nineteen years later, I am watching my son (who is 17) cook a Vietnamese dish in my kitchen with his friend, Thuy (pronounced -"Twee"). My how time flies!!!
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and there are a lot of things I wish I could go back and fix. I have my regrets, and I'm sure there are things I really should have done better. BUT marrying Rob Thomas was the best thing (after giving my heart to God) I ever did!
There were family members that were not really thrilled about our wedding; one of my future in-laws who said they spoke for Rob's whole family tried on the night of the rehearsal to get me to "not show up." They said they would understand, and Rob would too-down the road- if I just stayed home, and that it would really be the best thing and the kindest thing for Rob if I didn't marry him. That he would be "better off" without me in his life. There were many who thought we were too young. There were some (maybe many) who thought I was pregnant, but I wasn't!
Well, all I can say, is that we've been married for 19 years now. Longer than many people stay married, and if we've made it, with God's help, through all we have- lay-offs, no food in the house, living with family to avoid homelessness, college & 3 babies, 3 in diapers, sick kids, unplanned pregancies, and complicated pregnancies, unsupportive "watchers," financial problems one after another, moving upteen times....- than we, with God's help, will be married until death do us part.
What have we gained? Being each other's lifelong best friend & #1 supporter, a great marriage, three wonderful young people as our own children who are serving God and going to be great adults, spouses, and parents and make a difference in the world for Him, & more love than we had when we said "I do."
So, on this 19th of August- the eve of my 19th anniversary, I say:
Thank you God for my life mate & my first love who has been my husband.
Thank you God for helping us to stick with a marriage that was rough and hard & helping bring back the love when it looked like it had left us .
Thank you God for helping us to make it through those years and to love each other so much more completely now & for the wonderful children you blessed us with.
And Thank you Momma for allowing me to go at such a young age and making what had to be a most hard decision and doing what had to be a scary & difficult thing to do- signing that paper to let me marry at 17! Your decision was the right one, and I will be eternally grateful to you for allowing me to go!
And thank you, Rob, for asking me to marry you, for marrying me, for staying with me through it all and loving me so very much! You are and always will be the love of my life!
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and there are a lot of things I wish I could go back and fix. I have my regrets, and I'm sure there are things I really should have done better. BUT marrying Rob Thomas was the best thing (after giving my heart to God) I ever did!
There were family members that were not really thrilled about our wedding; one of my future in-laws who said they spoke for Rob's whole family tried on the night of the rehearsal to get me to "not show up." They said they would understand, and Rob would too-down the road- if I just stayed home, and that it would really be the best thing and the kindest thing for Rob if I didn't marry him. That he would be "better off" without me in his life. There were many who thought we were too young. There were some (maybe many) who thought I was pregnant, but I wasn't!
Well, all I can say, is that we've been married for 19 years now. Longer than many people stay married, and if we've made it, with God's help, through all we have- lay-offs, no food in the house, living with family to avoid homelessness, college & 3 babies, 3 in diapers, sick kids, unplanned pregancies, and complicated pregnancies, unsupportive "watchers," financial problems one after another, moving upteen times....- than we, with God's help, will be married until death do us part.
What have we gained? Being each other's lifelong best friend & #1 supporter, a great marriage, three wonderful young people as our own children who are serving God and going to be great adults, spouses, and parents and make a difference in the world for Him, & more love than we had when we said "I do."
So, on this 19th of August- the eve of my 19th anniversary, I say:
Thank you God for my life mate & my first love who has been my husband.
Thank you God for helping us to stick with a marriage that was rough and hard & helping bring back the love when it looked like it had left us .
Thank you God for helping us to make it through those years and to love each other so much more completely now & for the wonderful children you blessed us with.
And Thank you Momma for allowing me to go at such a young age and making what had to be a most hard decision and doing what had to be a scary & difficult thing to do- signing that paper to let me marry at 17! Your decision was the right one, and I will be eternally grateful to you for allowing me to go!
And thank you, Rob, for asking me to marry you, for marrying me, for staying with me through it all and loving me so very much! You are and always will be the love of my life!
A Hard Message for Me to Accept- But I'm Slowly Getting It
I've been working on a lesson I think God is trying to get through my thick, thick skull. Just so you now, when I get to heaven, it will definitely be on the "little bus." :)
I have felt for many years off & on, a serious issue at church. There have been times when I didn't, but most Sundays (for a long time now) I have sat and felt less Christian than I should be. Some of it, maybe a lot of it, has been my own fault. I have grown up in pentecostal churches, but I have always felt "un-pentecostal." :) I used to say that I made a better Lutheran than a pentecostal, not saying I believe in the Lutheran ways wholeheartedly either. I just quit caring to say "I'm Pentecostal." I am just tired of labels - I'm just a Christian. I believe God sent His Holy Spirit to us, and I believe in what the Bible has to say about His Spirit being in us. But I'm just not very "holy" or very "spiritual." When there is worship at church, if you are looking you will most likely find me standing and, maybe even sitting, and crying. I don't clap my hands, raise my hands, dance, shout, or praise out loud; I don't "amen" or "praise the Lord" when a preacher preaches either. I have told God so many times that I hate how He made me a "crier." But that is how he made me! I can't help it; I didn't ask to be made this way. While others speak in other languages, laugh, dance, jump, shout, prophecy, raise their hands, and a host of other ways of praising God, I just sit there and cry. Many times, I am just crying because I am happy and when I am able to truly think about God & His love and mercy, it just makes me cry for the sheer thought that the Creator of the world who is so very perfect would love me. Sometimes I'm crying because I need to be forgiven for being so sinful and messing up again & again & again. A lot of times, I am crying for all the little people I know whose lives are not so good or who have problems, many insurmountable. I carry heavy burdens for those little kids that God places in my path. I've been told by pastors that I should not be so burdened or that I am not supposed to let it rob me of my joy. I know that is true. But, Jesus wept over Jerusalem, didn't He? And when I read the Bible, I don't get a picture of Jesus walking around Israel happy all the time and smiling and just having a great time. I'm sure He did have fun; I know He went to the wedding feast (certainly a happy occasion), but my picture (maybe a wrong one) is of a Jesus who felt other's sorrow, cared about the people He encountered, and one who carried deep, deep burdens that we can never fathom. I know I'm not Jesus, but I do care about my own family, the children and families and the coworkers and friends of my children I encounter. It seems to me that Jesus was more sober and thoughtful than He was happy-go-lucky, laughing all the time, never admitting that there was pain in the world.
I know worship is something you do/give to God even when you don't feel like it. Which is again, another reason why I don't/haven't felt very "Christian." See when I'm tired and have had a lousy day, week, month, year, I guess I don't waltz into church with a big grin and act bubbly and thrilled. I've been told I'm very transparent (which I HATE!), and I guess what I'm feeling probably shows on my face. So then, I get these well meaning "trust in the Lord's" & "you can't let the world get you down" & "you have to praise God even if you are down"..... comments from people who are trying to help, but come across preachy or better-than-thou. Then there was a pastor (in my recent past) who has preached about topics or issues that I have directly talked to him about the week before. I told him about a little boy whose parents were drug users and he was being abused. The next Sunday, he mentioned someone who he had talked to this week and without naming me directly, it came into the sermon. I told him I was having sleep problems and asked him to pray, the next week in Bible study, he talked about people not being able to sleep because of hidden sins and needing to repent. I told him that all the issues I saw and dealt with each week caused me to get down sometimes, the next week- a sermon about depression and the wrongs of taking antidepressants (which I wasn't taking, but have a long time ago).... Believe me, that was when I quit telling him anything and that was when I started putting on my fake "Christian" face! That should have been when I got the message to leave, but as I already said, I'm a little slow.
At this new church, a recurring message keeps coming to us in many forms. There have been sermons, worship songs, last month- a worship video which I'm still trying to find to link here because it so got my attention!, and now today, another sermon. I'm getting it God. The message from the video & today's sermon is that worship isn't about what we get (the happy feelings & emotions- my mother's been telling me this for years!), it's about what we give. The video last month & today's message keep saying the same thing- "true worship isn't really about going to church & "worshipping God" at all; it's more about the everyday living & the sacrifices we make for others- in His name- all week long.
That's when it really started to hit me! If that is true- and I'm still working on that part- then my teaching, hugging kids and giving/getting kisses on the cheek all week long, the tying the shoes, the wiping away of tears, the "I love you's" that I say all day/week long and really mean- even when those kids are BRATS, the comforting and encouraging of worried, frustrated, hurting parents that I talk to, and the silent, unnoticed prayers I say for the children and their families- THAT is the true worship I am doing. The sacrifice (so very puny compared to those who really give to God in BIG ways) -truly one I had to work out with God- of moving out here away from three people I love more than myself (and I never really told them how much of a sacrifice that I really felt I had to make doing that- they think I wanted to go and/or that it was "the right thing for us to do.")- well maybe that counts for something with God too-maybe. Then that made me remember how many times I've walked out of church in the past year upset and told Rob, well if he/she (the pastor or some well-meaning lady) saw me at work, they would know that I do fill in the blank from today's sermon/bible study topic....
So, I've still got some thinking to do and maybe some unlearning to do too- my momma always says I've overlearned some lessons in my childhood. :) (Smile, Momma, maybe there' s hope for me yet!!!!)
I know that the bottom line is that none of us are worthy or really "good Christians;" that we're all in need of mercy & grace from above. I know that if that weren't so, there would have been no point in Christ's death. So I've just got to relearn some of those lessons that I apparently over-apply to myself. Oooh, once again, the message that "Rebekah is too hard on herself!" Boy, that doesn't come as a surprise to some who know me well, I'm sure.
So, God, here's the deal today: I'm sorry for the anger and hurt (flat out, bitterness) I have right now in my heart towards certain people- You know who they are. I don't want to be angry and hurt at them. Some of them are Your chosen leaders, and they are all Your children. I need You to help me forgive and forget and go on. I need to apply some of Your grace to my heart in this area. And God, I need to once again remember that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me- especially in the area of serving You. I need to be a bit more like my daughter- "...who cares what other people think..." in that area. And, Lord, if true worship is really what you do- as Pastor Mitch read today from Romans in the Message Bible- your day-to-day living, sleeping, walking, talking, life- then help me to see what I do for You through that lens. I am going to try to get up each day this school year, and focus my lens on You in a different way. I am going to put that day in Your hands, out loud, and when I get a child I have to restrain, personal property stolen, vandalized or destroyed, a weapon in my classroom, an angry parent, or anything else-good or bad, I'm going to give it to You. All these years of school work, I've been thanking You for the good, and blaming myself for the bad, but I'm going to start giving that to You too. Could You please help me to see myself through Your eyes? Help me to quit blaming myself for everything that goes wrong around me and everywhere else that I choose to see as my fault. Could You help me to see that I am a "good Christian" simply because I do love You and that being a good Christian is not about never messing up or sinning again, but really relying on You and seeking Your forgiveness. I need to remember that even though I get mad at my kids when they "mess up" I still love them as much, maybe even more- certainly not less!
Help me to really, truly worship You in everything I do!
I have felt for many years off & on, a serious issue at church. There have been times when I didn't, but most Sundays (for a long time now) I have sat and felt less Christian than I should be. Some of it, maybe a lot of it, has been my own fault. I have grown up in pentecostal churches, but I have always felt "un-pentecostal." :) I used to say that I made a better Lutheran than a pentecostal, not saying I believe in the Lutheran ways wholeheartedly either. I just quit caring to say "I'm Pentecostal." I am just tired of labels - I'm just a Christian. I believe God sent His Holy Spirit to us, and I believe in what the Bible has to say about His Spirit being in us. But I'm just not very "holy" or very "spiritual." When there is worship at church, if you are looking you will most likely find me standing and, maybe even sitting, and crying. I don't clap my hands, raise my hands, dance, shout, or praise out loud; I don't "amen" or "praise the Lord" when a preacher preaches either. I have told God so many times that I hate how He made me a "crier." But that is how he made me! I can't help it; I didn't ask to be made this way. While others speak in other languages, laugh, dance, jump, shout, prophecy, raise their hands, and a host of other ways of praising God, I just sit there and cry. Many times, I am just crying because I am happy and when I am able to truly think about God & His love and mercy, it just makes me cry for the sheer thought that the Creator of the world who is so very perfect would love me. Sometimes I'm crying because I need to be forgiven for being so sinful and messing up again & again & again. A lot of times, I am crying for all the little people I know whose lives are not so good or who have problems, many insurmountable. I carry heavy burdens for those little kids that God places in my path. I've been told by pastors that I should not be so burdened or that I am not supposed to let it rob me of my joy. I know that is true. But, Jesus wept over Jerusalem, didn't He? And when I read the Bible, I don't get a picture of Jesus walking around Israel happy all the time and smiling and just having a great time. I'm sure He did have fun; I know He went to the wedding feast (certainly a happy occasion), but my picture (maybe a wrong one) is of a Jesus who felt other's sorrow, cared about the people He encountered, and one who carried deep, deep burdens that we can never fathom. I know I'm not Jesus, but I do care about my own family, the children and families and the coworkers and friends of my children I encounter. It seems to me that Jesus was more sober and thoughtful than He was happy-go-lucky, laughing all the time, never admitting that there was pain in the world.
I know worship is something you do/give to God even when you don't feel like it. Which is again, another reason why I don't/haven't felt very "Christian." See when I'm tired and have had a lousy day, week, month, year, I guess I don't waltz into church with a big grin and act bubbly and thrilled. I've been told I'm very transparent (which I HATE!), and I guess what I'm feeling probably shows on my face. So then, I get these well meaning "trust in the Lord's" & "you can't let the world get you down" & "you have to praise God even if you are down"..... comments from people who are trying to help, but come across preachy or better-than-thou. Then there was a pastor (in my recent past) who has preached about topics or issues that I have directly talked to him about the week before. I told him about a little boy whose parents were drug users and he was being abused. The next Sunday, he mentioned someone who he had talked to this week and without naming me directly, it came into the sermon. I told him I was having sleep problems and asked him to pray, the next week in Bible study, he talked about people not being able to sleep because of hidden sins and needing to repent. I told him that all the issues I saw and dealt with each week caused me to get down sometimes, the next week- a sermon about depression and the wrongs of taking antidepressants (which I wasn't taking, but have a long time ago).... Believe me, that was when I quit telling him anything and that was when I started putting on my fake "Christian" face! That should have been when I got the message to leave, but as I already said, I'm a little slow.
At this new church, a recurring message keeps coming to us in many forms. There have been sermons, worship songs, last month- a worship video which I'm still trying to find to link here because it so got my attention!, and now today, another sermon. I'm getting it God. The message from the video & today's sermon is that worship isn't about what we get (the happy feelings & emotions- my mother's been telling me this for years!), it's about what we give. The video last month & today's message keep saying the same thing- "true worship isn't really about going to church & "worshipping God" at all; it's more about the everyday living & the sacrifices we make for others- in His name- all week long.
That's when it really started to hit me! If that is true- and I'm still working on that part- then my teaching, hugging kids and giving/getting kisses on the cheek all week long, the tying the shoes, the wiping away of tears, the "I love you's" that I say all day/week long and really mean- even when those kids are BRATS, the comforting and encouraging of worried, frustrated, hurting parents that I talk to, and the silent, unnoticed prayers I say for the children and their families- THAT is the true worship I am doing. The sacrifice (so very puny compared to those who really give to God in BIG ways) -truly one I had to work out with God- of moving out here away from three people I love more than myself (and I never really told them how much of a sacrifice that I really felt I had to make doing that- they think I wanted to go and/or that it was "the right thing for us to do.")- well maybe that counts for something with God too-maybe. Then that made me remember how many times I've walked out of church in the past year upset and told Rob, well if he/she (the pastor or some well-meaning lady) saw me at work, they would know that I do fill in the blank from today's sermon/bible study topic....
So, I've still got some thinking to do and maybe some unlearning to do too- my momma always says I've overlearned some lessons in my childhood. :) (Smile, Momma, maybe there' s hope for me yet!!!!)
I know that the bottom line is that none of us are worthy or really "good Christians;" that we're all in need of mercy & grace from above. I know that if that weren't so, there would have been no point in Christ's death. So I've just got to relearn some of those lessons that I apparently over-apply to myself. Oooh, once again, the message that "Rebekah is too hard on herself!" Boy, that doesn't come as a surprise to some who know me well, I'm sure.
So, God, here's the deal today: I'm sorry for the anger and hurt (flat out, bitterness) I have right now in my heart towards certain people- You know who they are. I don't want to be angry and hurt at them. Some of them are Your chosen leaders, and they are all Your children. I need You to help me forgive and forget and go on. I need to apply some of Your grace to my heart in this area. And God, I need to once again remember that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me- especially in the area of serving You. I need to be a bit more like my daughter- "...who cares what other people think..." in that area. And, Lord, if true worship is really what you do- as Pastor Mitch read today from Romans in the Message Bible- your day-to-day living, sleeping, walking, talking, life- then help me to see what I do for You through that lens. I am going to try to get up each day this school year, and focus my lens on You in a different way. I am going to put that day in Your hands, out loud, and when I get a child I have to restrain, personal property stolen, vandalized or destroyed, a weapon in my classroom, an angry parent, or anything else-good or bad, I'm going to give it to You. All these years of school work, I've been thanking You for the good, and blaming myself for the bad, but I'm going to start giving that to You too. Could You please help me to see myself through Your eyes? Help me to quit blaming myself for everything that goes wrong around me and everywhere else that I choose to see as my fault. Could You help me to see that I am a "good Christian" simply because I do love You and that being a good Christian is not about never messing up or sinning again, but really relying on You and seeking Your forgiveness. I need to remember that even though I get mad at my kids when they "mess up" I still love them as much, maybe even more- certainly not less!
Help me to really, truly worship You in everything I do!
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