Love Is Not a Noun

I was listening to a song on the radio on my way home the other day (don't ask me which one as my middle-aged brain can't remember now!), but it was about love... I had a "moment" of smartness- write it down- it won't happen again for a while. Sis, this borders on deep for me probably, so I hope you're impressed if you read. ;)

Ready? Drum roll please..... tadum, tadum, tadum, tadum...............

So here it is- real love- the kind that lasts and sticks throughout life- is not a noun, it is a verb. People are always talking about "falling in love," in songs, poetry, on t.v., in real life... That kind of love is a noun. It's more about the good feelings that person gives us, being with them makes us feel, joy, happiness, good- all wonderful things. It's more about you and how you feel, it's a state of being (a noun) like happiness or misery.

But real love, the kind that lasts a lifetime (whether in a marriage or in a family or just in friendships) is a verb. Sometimes you have to "love" people through your actions even when your feelings don't match it, your will doesn't want to. That is true love- the kind that sticks with your husband even when you don't feel the mushy-gushy feelings anymore, the kind that does good for people even when you don't want to because you're angry at them or they might not "deserve" it... Love is not based on feelings. Jesus proved this- He loved us so much, He laid down his life. I'm sure His feelings were terror, fear, anger at having to make such a big sacrifice for people who wouldn't even appreciate or accept His gift, worry, sorrow, sadness... But, in the end, He did love us (verb) in the ultimate way. He wasn't just "in love" with us- thank God. That kind of love might have lasted a short time- especially with me! :)

I have such struggles with this, and am, actually dealing with this right now with somethings. I feel like a horrible person, a rotten sinner, and a hypocrite when my feelings (nouns) don't match what my actions do (verbs), or when I don't "feel" the love (noun). I am going to have to try to remember that my feelings are just something I can't control- they come & go and really depend on my sleep (or lack of) & what other stresses are going on at the time, and they don't condemn me to the pits of hell. It's just what I do with those feelings. I will choose to love, even if I don't feel it yet. I know I will.

Grrrrrrr.....

Hey God,

It's me, the crazy child of yours, who is also just grouchy today. I don't know why except that I'm just tired and didn't get to sleep in this morning, but that's no good reason at all. I am sorry to say that I've just been irritable, irritated over stupid things that I have no business being irritated about, and I'm very sure, irritating to the four kids in my house today.

I should be happy about some things. I should be relieved that some things were taken care of today without me having to make it be. I should be, really should be, but I'm not. I find myself just gripey, and oh, how I hate when I get like that.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, Father, I don't want to be like this. Please will you help me? I really could use Your love, patience, joy, strength... before I blow up at someone for something really ridiculous and look like the total pyscho I feel right now.

Your crazy daughter, Rebekah :)

Letters to the Teacher

Yesterday my students wrote me letters after I left to go the dr. with my back problem. I am sitting here tonight with this stack of letters and crying "happy tears" as I have always called them to explain them to my own children years ago, and now my students. I'm such a cryer- sometimes it really bothers me that God made me this way, but it is just who I am. Try as I have, it is a trait I am learning to accept as truly, God's quirk in me. :)

These letters are truly sweet. They express such love to me, and I can see bits of me in them-
things I have taught them. I hope they carry these lessons and this bit of me I've given them forever.

One little girl wrote to me that I was her favorite teacher in the world even when I was mad. :) I told them over & over that I love them no matter what- bad behavior, wise or not-so-wise choices, good days, bad days, cranky days, no matter what and for always- because I see the person inside them. A small bit of the unconditional love I hope they come to know and understand someday, somehow.

I am always amazed at how prettily they draw me. I am not a pretty to look at person; yet when they draw me I seem almost pretty through their eyes. Then I realize once again, that we have talked about this idea many, many times this year. The idea that beauty is not how we look on the outside, but who we are on the inside. I've taught them that it is more important how nice you are to others, how you help others, how you treat people, than what you wear, how your hair is fixed, what kind of clothes or backpack you have, or any of that other stuff. So, when they draw me, maybe they are drawing the person I try to be so hard on the inside. Maybe they are drawing that big ol' well of love I have for them and try to show every single day I'm with them. I think kids can see through us adults better than we would ever want to admit. I hope what they see in me is what it ought to be.

Then, there is the little boy who is so very far behind his classmates. I'm truly worried about him, but in this stack of letters is a picture of his. And when I saw his name I didn't believe it was his work. He drew his first actual stick person EVER and it is clear, and he dictated a sentence to Elba- "Mrs. Thomas and I playing together." OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!! What a breakthrough of huge proportions!!!!! You just will never know how much this means to me or how big a deal this is!!!!

So, truly I am very blessed- bad back and all!

Thank you God for this calling You gave me to be a public school teacher. Thank You for a bunch of little people who love me this much. Thank You for this reminder of Your love- your unconditional love- shown to me through the eyes, hands, mouths, and lives of a group of very special children!

If My Life Were a Soap Opera, The Show Would Be Cancelled

Whew! I am so thankful for a peaceful evening in/at my home. There haven't been so many of those lately, and it's been hard- really hard.

Just total craziness in trying to juggle the schedules of Rob & his three jobs total plus Robert & his two jobs and his college classes and the schedules of three high school students plus my own job somewhere in there... Plus parenting issues, some issues and tension between people at home and added to work stresses for Rob & I both, not enough sleep- well it's just been rough.

I've been praying for peace in the house, and I am so thankful that God answered- just in time. At least until the next "day of our life..." ;) Ha Ha Ha!!!! I joke, but lately with all the drama, I have felt like a soap opera or a reality t.v. show. :)

The last week has seen a change in work situation as Rob found out his position has been cut. He will have a job somewhere, but at the moment all we know is he is going to be going through the interview for a new job deal and at some point in the near future moving jobs/schools/positions. :( I HATE this for him. Change is hard on him (as I know it is many people), and he had just finally begun to relax again after the trauma he/we had in GCS. That was really hard on him, and it has really, truly taken some time for him to be okay. Now he will have to start over, get to know people & people know him, learn a new school.... Well, I know it could be so much worse, so I don't want to complain. I also know they say he'll have a job, but until he actually does, well- I'll just feel better when it's a done deal. For right now, we're very much in limbo.

Oh, and my back has become a BIG issue again. I can hardly walk and am in a lot of pain. Been interesting trying to be a teacher, get up & down throughout the day, do playground with my kids, let alone walk to the office, lunch room and bus lot and then come home and cook and do my household duties.

I keep remembering that God is with us in all things, and that song my momma used to sing after my daddy died- "He didn't bring us this far, to leave us. He didn't teach us to swim just to let us drown." So I know God is here, and He is greater than job problems, stresses at work, $ or the lack of, back problems or any other health situation, and bigger than any problem your family can throw at you. After all God was the Father of Jesus- how interesting that must be. :)

So, I know it will all work out for good, and I'm hanging onto the end of the rope and trusting in my Maker. Now, God, what are we going to name my soap opera life? :) Ha Ha

Night for now. Time for me to take some muscle relaxant and go off to la-la land. By the way, did I ever tell you one of my old bosses asked me if I lived in "la-la land?" She was so kind and gracious -NOT!- she did this in front of all the staff at a program wide staff meeting complete with everyone that worked in the HeadStart/PreK program. Just thought of that. Okay, this ADHD moment was sponsored by------ me!

Night! ;)

Rebekah :)