i heard a new song on the radio- well it is new to me anyway- a song by Mandisa- He is With You. i LOVE this song. and it caught my attention because of the way it starts... "There's a time..." fits with my new verse up there on my header and how i have been feeling of late.
here's a link to her video if you aren't familiar with the song or just want to hear it anyway.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
hard questions
today i found myself trying to answer some hard questions my two oldest asked me. i tried my best, but in the end it only left them still not understanding and i don't really either. how am i supposed to answer them? i don't think there is an answer, oh how i wish there were. something i could say to explain it to them, to explain it to myself. it hurt to hear my kids express a loss they've never expressed before- hurt more than i can say. now i'm left with a big old, very old wound and feeling like i've failed once again somehow, that i should have done more, should have tried harder, reached out more, picked up a phone, or made a trip, or done something- i don't know how or what or even if it would have worked...
i know we just have to take what comes to us and make the best of it. Lord knows i've tried and will keep trying, and they will continue to make good in their lives and hopefully (prayerfully) live for Him their whole lives. i will pick myself up tomorrow and move on, what more can i do, but for tonight i hurt for me, for my family, for my kids, for the unknown. i regret the past and all that ol' damn water under the bridge. i wish the bridge would go away and the water would dry up and we could all go back to the way things used to be, but then, "the way it used to be" wasn't really real either- it was just a dream, a dumb idea of a dumb kid who was too stupid to know it was just fake- all an act. maybe that's what i'm grieving- the idea that was never really real, the family i thought i had that i didn't really ever have.
i know we just have to take what comes to us and make the best of it. Lord knows i've tried and will keep trying, and they will continue to make good in their lives and hopefully (prayerfully) live for Him their whole lives. i will pick myself up tomorrow and move on, what more can i do, but for tonight i hurt for me, for my family, for my kids, for the unknown. i regret the past and all that ol' damn water under the bridge. i wish the bridge would go away and the water would dry up and we could all go back to the way things used to be, but then, "the way it used to be" wasn't really real either- it was just a dream, a dumb idea of a dumb kid who was too stupid to know it was just fake- all an act. maybe that's what i'm grieving- the idea that was never really real, the family i thought i had that i didn't really ever have.
praise You in this storm
God is with us even in dark places, even in scary times, even when you feel all alone. He is with us when we are far away from our family and can't get home in emergencies. He is with us when we are sick, when we are hurting.
God, I will praise You for always being there when I need you. I don't deserve it. Thank you.
God, I will praise You for always being there when I need you. I don't deserve it. Thank you.
He Gives and Takes Away
That song has been going through my head all week.
"... He gives and takes away... still my heart will choose to say, "Blessed is Your name...."
This weekend He gave me a chance to meet someone from my daddy's family, someone I haven't seen since I was a little girl, the first person in my daddy's family I've seen in over ten years and the first "real" visit, truly positive meeting I've had with anyone in his family since I got married. It's been quite a weekend- awkward at moments, nerve-inducing, but filled with laughter, tears, and fun. I'm truly grateful for a chance to know someone who carries some of the same dna as my daddy. I hope he is in heaven smiling down on his cousin and my family tonight.
Then I am awoken (is that even a word????) at 12:30 with a call from Illinois- which can only mean something bad is going on. My pop- the man who has loved me as his own for all of my adult life, the only grandfather my kids have ever had, Pop- is lying in a hospital bed having a heart attack, and it sounds bad. I can hear it in my momma's voice, and I so need to be there for her, for him, for me. I'm trying to be ready for anything- the good or the awful. Trying to be where God wants me to be and be content here and yet wanting to be home right this instant to be there by my momma's side as she waits in a hospital waiting room in the dead of night for news good or bad. What if's are trying to roll through my mind, and I'm trying to not focus on them.
God, I know death is part of life. I know it's something we all must face- our own death and the deaths of loved ones. I know he has lived a pretty long life so far, and if You chose to take him home right now, he's ready to meet you. I know we have no guarantee of tomorrow or this afternoon or our next breath. I know You are so wise above me and You see the big picture when I can't see the next step I'm supposed to take... God, what else I know is that right now my momma who has buried one husband is sitting in a waiting room trying to be strong and feeling all kinds of emotions. I know I'm not there to hold her hand or let her cry on my shoulder or just sit with her and keep her company. I know it's not about me, she is a big girl, a grown woman, she has a daughter there, and no one needs Rebekah swooping in "to save the day..." Please just be with Pop, whatever it is please help the dr.s and nurses caring for him to have wisdom. Help Pop not to be too scared or in too much pain and help this to end as quickly as possible. Please God, PLEASE be with my momma right now. Comfort her as You always have in her times of need. Let her feel You sitting there right beside her in the waiting room. Give her strength to face whatever it might be. Be with my sister and her husband who are also there, with my sister who lost her daddy too already and doesn't want to lose another one. And God, if it's possible, please don't take away just yet. And if it's Your will to do so, please help us all to make it through.
I'm going to try somehow to sleep now God. My alarm clock will call me soon enough, and somehow I've got to teach and go on tomorrow no matter what happens.
"... He gives and takes away... still my heart will choose to say, "Blessed is Your name...."
This weekend He gave me a chance to meet someone from my daddy's family, someone I haven't seen since I was a little girl, the first person in my daddy's family I've seen in over ten years and the first "real" visit, truly positive meeting I've had with anyone in his family since I got married. It's been quite a weekend- awkward at moments, nerve-inducing, but filled with laughter, tears, and fun. I'm truly grateful for a chance to know someone who carries some of the same dna as my daddy. I hope he is in heaven smiling down on his cousin and my family tonight.
Then I am awoken (is that even a word????) at 12:30 with a call from Illinois- which can only mean something bad is going on. My pop- the man who has loved me as his own for all of my adult life, the only grandfather my kids have ever had, Pop- is lying in a hospital bed having a heart attack, and it sounds bad. I can hear it in my momma's voice, and I so need to be there for her, for him, for me. I'm trying to be ready for anything- the good or the awful. Trying to be where God wants me to be and be content here and yet wanting to be home right this instant to be there by my momma's side as she waits in a hospital waiting room in the dead of night for news good or bad. What if's are trying to roll through my mind, and I'm trying to not focus on them.
God, I know death is part of life. I know it's something we all must face- our own death and the deaths of loved ones. I know he has lived a pretty long life so far, and if You chose to take him home right now, he's ready to meet you. I know we have no guarantee of tomorrow or this afternoon or our next breath. I know You are so wise above me and You see the big picture when I can't see the next step I'm supposed to take... God, what else I know is that right now my momma who has buried one husband is sitting in a waiting room trying to be strong and feeling all kinds of emotions. I know I'm not there to hold her hand or let her cry on my shoulder or just sit with her and keep her company. I know it's not about me, she is a big girl, a grown woman, she has a daughter there, and no one needs Rebekah swooping in "to save the day..." Please just be with Pop, whatever it is please help the dr.s and nurses caring for him to have wisdom. Help Pop not to be too scared or in too much pain and help this to end as quickly as possible. Please God, PLEASE be with my momma right now. Comfort her as You always have in her times of need. Let her feel You sitting there right beside her in the waiting room. Give her strength to face whatever it might be. Be with my sister and her husband who are also there, with my sister who lost her daddy too already and doesn't want to lose another one. And God, if it's possible, please don't take away just yet. And if it's Your will to do so, please help us all to make it through.
I'm going to try somehow to sleep now God. My alarm clock will call me soon enough, and somehow I've got to teach and go on tomorrow no matter what happens.
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