Does God have a tomato garden?

I'm a weird person, I admit it freely.  If you don't know me you'll probably think this is really stupid or totally strange, and it probably is.  If you do know me, you will probably think this is weird too, but at least you'll already know I'm a bit off. :)   But for the past few years (sometime after we moved to NC), I've been saying goodbye to kids and telling them to look for me in God's tomato garden in heaven.  Don't even know where this idea came to me and can't remember which kid I started this with.   Weird, huh? :)

I should also tell you I really, truly love my school kids.  I had a lot of teachers growing up that were good teachers; several that really cared about kids, but only a few who "got through" to me, who really truly showed they cared a great deal about me. Only one that went beyond the school doors to show that he cared like that.  Weird as I am, I get attached to my kids and they do to me too. I don't know quite how or why this happens; I just know that I really do love my school kids. I love God first, my husband, children, parents, sister, brother-in-law, and niece. And right behind them, come my school kids- I really would die for them and spend a lot of time and money to show them I care.

Yesterday I said goodbye to another student :(, a dear, sweet little 2nd grade girl.  Her family is moving away to a neighboring county.  It was such a joy to be her teacher and watch her blossom this year!  She changed from a VERY painfully shy child to a child who let her classmates and teacher see the real her- a bubbly, happy, love-to-pick-on-her-teacher, devilish laugh, intelligent, creative, wonderful kid.  I loved being there to watch this transformation, loved having her company as a lunch buddy and special helper, enjoyed her sense of humor and wit, loved reading her writing and poetry and books, being the recipient of her notes and drawings.  Oh, I will miss this child in my life!

I tried really, really hard to not let myself tear up when the kids talked about her leaving all week.  I really HATE goodbyes and we've already had to say goodbye to two other kids this year.  Every (well most anyway) year, I seem to get this sense of family in my room, and when a kid leaves us it is hard on us all.  I knew this one would especially hurt and I wanted to be strong for my kids.  I've tried to talk to them a lot about how goodbyes are part of life and not an easy one but one we must learn to deal with.  They have watched me very recently deal with this and have asked me about it more since my mother-in-law just passed away.  My little girl, D, tried hard to not think about it too, I could tell.  When D grabbed me yesterday to hug me goodbye at the end of the day, she began to sob and I had to hide my face in her long hair so the kids wouldn't see my face.  She wouldn't let me go either so it was a really, really long hug. 

Public school teacher or not, I whispered in her ear, "You go to church, don't you?"  She nodded yes.  I knew she did from our conversations.  "You love Jesus, don't you?"  Another nod.  And next came a private conversation I've had now with several sobbing children over the last few years.  "Then this isn't goodbye kiddo.  We're going to see each other again because I do too.  Someday when you get to heaven, ask Jesus where his tomato garden is.  I'll be there working in His garden and eating His tomatoes  I'll be waiting for you there.  It will be our meeting place."  (Side note, my kids know I adore tomatoes.  They think it is one of the strange qualities of their teacher, and you'd be surprised how often it comes up that Mrs. Thomas likes tomatoes, seriously- don't know why but this fascinates them for some odd reason.)  This got her and I both grinning as we cried, and helped us both take the walk to the bus.  I promised her I would wave to her as her bus pulled out, and as I did, I wondered, "God do you have a tomato garden?  I hope so.  I would hate to disappoint all these kids I've told that to." 

So, God, I know I'm not much of a Christian.  I know I've got a lot of sin and failings.  I know it's not about me or what I've done or not done.  I know it's all about mercy.  I'm really, truly counting on that.  And God, if it's possible, could you please let me just be a simple tomato gardener in heaven?  I mean, I really do love tomatoes- You already know that. :)  But, God, I've got some kids to meet someday in heaven, and that is our designated meeting spot.  Sort of like a family reunion place for that crazy Mrs. Thomas and the kids who just happened to get placed in her care at some time or another. 

hanging on

We came home from STL two weeks ago.  Rob and I had to jump right back into work and our normal life things.  I was so exhausted and have just been telling myself, "One more day, just get through today..." for two weeks now.  I am a star member of Insomniacs Are Us, and have been tired, worn out, exhausted, whatever you want to call it many times, but I have never known this level of exhaustion.  Whether it is just really all a mental "in my head" thing, allergies, or my body just having enough, I started feeling really icky this week and by the time I got to yesterday afternoon I wasn't sure I was going to make it home.  Matthew wanted to take Rob and I to see Hunger Games last night so we went.  I really didn't feel like it, but wanted to do something with our "baby" while he wanted to do something with us still.  With Robert about to leave home, I am making sure I grab every moment we get with our kids.   I got really, really sick about halfway through the movie and almost didn't make the very short ride home.  I am just so thankful I have made it to the Easter break- oh, excuse me "Spring" break. :)  Now I can relax if I need to, and apparently I need to. :)

I am having some strange emotions from time to time too- ones I wouldn't have thought I'd have.  Twice now I've seen someone who looked like my m-i-l.  It bothered me, and I don't know why.  Then today we received a card from the State of Illinois offering her free transit rides on any of their public transit routes.  Stupid, I know, but it irritated and saddened me at the same time. No idea where those feelings come from.  I just wish things had been/were different.  I wish for what never was and never can be.