Overwhelmed

***I apologize in advance. I am a red-eyed, stressed mess, so this post is probably going to be a rambling filled with run-ons and other annoying things. Feel free to ignore. It's mostly so I can just get my feelings out.

I started the new semester today. I came home and fell apart. I was prepared for another hard semester; so far all my courses have had their difficult moments, and my brain power has been challenged over and over. But I survive each semester with God and my family's support, love, and help. It's all good.

I was doing alright through the prof's explanation of the capstone portfolio. It's a lot of work, but we have time, and I'm a decent enough writer to be able to do that. The exam, well it makes me a bit nervous, but again, I can study and have time to do that. It's online so I can probably use my books, notes, and take the time I need to do well (or at least decent enough to pass the program). Those two items are capstone for the whole program so they will be covering two years' worth of material, projects, readings, and work. Biggies, but do-able. I've done very well so far in this program, so with God's help I can do this too. No worries.

Then we get to this actual course. This prof seems very nice, but has it very clearly stated that he does not accept late assignments and that one assignment missing earns an F in the whole course. So he will not "play." Okay, I can take that. I'm an adult; I can get it done, might be hard, but I will do it with God's help. Last semester of this program; I can do all things through Christ.

Then he begins to talk about our projects/assignments. I begin to tear up and my stomach instantly is hurting. We have to mentor someone (I stunk at that the last time I tried to be a mentor), AND we have to lead a professional development session. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot do that. Literally. I am not being a drama-queen; I am not being silly. I cannot speak in front of groups of adults. Kids I can do- even that makes me pretty uptight and nervous at the beginning of each school year, but I can get through that. Adults- I don't do. I HATE HATE HATE group work, group projects, "turn & talk," "jigsaw," and the million other "cutesy" ways we have to do group work in education. I'm not talking a little bashfulness or a little nerves. I'm talking serious stomach-ache, instant, horrid heartburn, blood pressure goes up, I want to crawl in a whole-and-die kind of horror. I've often joked (but not so joking) that I could probably get a social anxiety disorder diagnosis and the meds to go with it if I really told a dr. this stuff. Seriously.

I have NO idea how I'm going to do this, and especially at my work place. Where I'm now just left of "worst teacher in the planet" in some people's books. Yeah, I'm sure the powers-that-be are going to let me/want me to lead a PD session. I'm sure I am NOT going to want to do that. And honestly, if I'd known this was part of the program, I would NEVER have signed up for this. I know that's crazy, literally pyscho. I know I'll get through it somehow, but I don't want to.

So, I sat there trying really, really hard to not let anyone see that I was close to tears. Then the prof has for us, as our "ticket-out-the-door" (another stupid thing educators do), "Write on an index card what you hope to gain in the area of leadership from this course." Oh, great! Can I write what I really think/want/hope? What is so bad about just hoping to be a better teacher, hoping to lead your students more effectively, hoping to lead yourself to a better place, better understanding of the content you teach?

I'm so tired and overwhelmed and honestly, discouraged right at this moment. But I'll live. I know I do not have it bad in the scheme of things and compared to so many others. I am just being a baby. So, here I go. I'm picking myself up, telling myself to "hush up" and giving myself a swift kick in the rear. Get over yourself, Rebekah Rose. Seriously.

tonight's not-so-deep thought

just journaling a quick thought for tonight. i am dead tired and should be in bed already.

when told "you better bring your 'A' game as some kind of perceived, bully, stupid threat, it's best to just walk away.

for "their" information- i bring my "a+ game" EVERY SINGLE DAY i show up to work, and i don't do it for them or ANYONE but God and those kids. if that's not enough of a reason, than i don't have a clue what is. i could go on, but i'm hushing and going to sleep. my "a" game needs to get it's beauty sleep because the inquisition is coming.

grrr......

After all these years...

It's weird after all these years how my daddy's death still so strongly impacts me. A few days ago, Barbara was talking about how her daddy taught her to change a tire and the oil... The conversation went a lot of ways, but one of the ways it went was me making sure she knows that should she EVER want to do either of those things she must tell me first. It was weird how quickly that thought could bother me.

Then tonight, Robert was telling me about something he did in his job today. Something I am sure is perfectly safe. He was talking to me, and I told him we'd have to not go too far in this conversation when BOOM! there it was, and I had to ask him to stop. I don't want to be that way with my kids- don't want them to have to not tell me things or not be just normal.

But I really can't help it. I've come a long- no a very long- way from the traumatized girl I was, but I guess some things just can't be fixed. I know my kids will understand and won't mind. I just wish I wasn't a messed-up person.

Love the kids, everything else- eeehhh

Just popping by very quickly to say hello. I hope you are having a great first week of 2011.

I was very pleasantly surprised so far this week by my student's excellent behavior! Usually the first few days back after a longer break are a bit like the beginning of the school year. I wasn't quite sure what to expect in third grade, but figured I'd have my hands full as I normally do even on a good day. Well, what do you know- my kids are behaving WONDERFULLY. Not sure if it's "just" God (insert BIG cheesy smile here, Momma) and the prayers I have going up for me or if the gum that I've been offering at day's end has been that big a deal, but whatever it is, I'll take it!!!! Let me tell you though, God works in mysterious ways, and last week He put the gum in my shopping cart, so I will give Him full credit if gum is working wonders. :) hahahahaha

The kids, I love! I enjoy the laughter, the teasing, the hugs, and helping kids learn. The other stuff that goes with teaching now, well it's not so hot. But what's new. :)

I'm drained, still have a HUGE stack of papers to grade that I didn't finish over break plus assignments from this week already stacking up. Benchmarks are rolling in soon, plus now we have more assessments "they" are going to require of us, so the crazy busy time is almost here again. :( In another week, it will be benchmarks, PEP's, report cards, and a bunch of other assessments.

In other exciting news- ha!- I start the next grad class this weekend. This is the last one in this pilot program. I will be receiving a math license when it's done. :) I'm going to be applying for student loans to finish the master's degree. Please pray that I can find a way to fund it as it's only five more courses I have to pay for. But, then again, it is five more courses to pay for when you can't even pay your own bills in the summer. I know God will help me if it is in His plan.

I have some other things on my mind, but they're not mine to share. Please just pray for someone I care about; God knows who it is and what the situation is.

Encouragement

There was a verse in worship today, and I couldn't get it written all down, but wrote enough to look it up. It spoke to me- just stood out to me, and I felt compelled to look it up. Wow, it speaks to a couple things heavy on my heart right now. I was familiar with other parts of the chapter and it really just was a blessing to read it again. What a word of encouragement! I do not look forward to going back into "battle" tomorrow. This time home with my family has been a reprieve from the daily challenges and struggles that teaching has become. But go I must; it is my God-calling and I want to please Him and help others.

Let me share the verse. I hope it encourages you or helps you through a hard time.

Love,

Beka :)

Isaiah 43: 1-7

But now, this is what the Lord says- he who created you... "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.... Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth- everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made."

Then this part that was shared in worship this morning: verses 18 & 19

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.