a conversation with God

I sat there at the computer in my classroom. The children were gone leaving silence, crayons, and little messes here and there. Piles of work awaited me. I was drawn to look out the window at the woods behind my classroom. The wind had caught my attention. We were under high wind warnings all day.

The tall, old trees behind my classroom were swaying and bending more than usual, bending almost as if they were younger, more limber trees. I sat there watching, thinking and wondering if any of them would topple and amazed at how much they could stand, even as large as they are and yet, stay upright. I just sat and stared for quite a while. It was so peaceful. And in the silence I heard a thought in my head. I know it wasn't me. I'm not this smart.

And after the past few weeks of feeling like my prayers hit the glass ceiling, after last night when I sobbed in my bed and questioned Him (my maker, father of the universe) and asked Him why I feel so far away from His presence, after asking Him if He was just ticked off at me and begging Him to forgive me of anything I'd ever done (you know, hiding the asparagus in the garbage when my mommy wasn't looking, not telling my parents I got spanked back in 2nd grade- uh, Momma, I got spanked in 2nd grade :)- fighting with my sister, flipping the bus driver and all the kids on the bus off, not being the kind, wonderful, PERFECT person I think I am supposed to be.... you fill in the blank, I probably said it)... after all that I was humbled and so thankful that He would still speak to me.

Before I go on, please let me say I don't think of God as only that mean, vengeful, horrible kind of God. I have "issues" obviously. :) I see God in many, wonderful ways; please read below and you will see what I mean. I'll save the rest of that baggage for heaven, where it will all get worked out. :)

Going on... God and I began to have a conversation, sort of. I felt like I should type what He said down, and then I just started putting it in a conversation type of format, and it kept going. I'd type and then I'd hear something else... this went on for about twenty minutes. I cried as I typed and listened.

God- See those trees... they sure are blowing. A lot of them are leaned way over in the wind. Did they do something wrong?
Me- No, God, it's just really windy?
God- But they sure are leaning over. They must have done something wrong to be so bent over like that.
Me- God, it's REALLY windy out there. No tree could stand immovable in that force.
God- You mean, those trees aren't bad? They aren't wrong?
Me- (The light bulb is beginning to flicker very dimly...) No, God it's what they're supposed to do so they don't break.
God- Life is windy sometimes; it is hard. The winds are fierce today. Those trees didn't do something wrong to make the wind blow at them like that. It's just weather. The trees aren't being punished; it's just part of life. Sometimes life can just be hard and cold and fierce. But it won't last forever. The weather will improve, it will warm up, the sun will shine again, the winds will be pleasant breezes another day.
Me- So You're not mad at me then? This isn't some punishment because I've been a bad girl, broken some law of Yours, or been less than perfect?
God- No Rebekah Rose. Life just has hard spots.
Me- (silence...) So, I will do my best God to bend and not break. Please help me to not break God. I don't want to do that. I feel like such a big baby, such a weakling. I'm the baby and weakling in my family (or at least that's my perception). But God, the single, most important thing to me, what I want more than anything in the world (more than a husband, a good marriage, loving parents, good children, a warm home, food, a job that fulfills me or anything else in the world) is to make You proud of me. I want to see You smiling at me and just know that when You think of me it is with pride and not regrets. It pains me horribly to think of all the times I've failed You. I only want to bring You pride and happiness.
God- Rebekah Rose, those trees won't break. You know why? Their roots go way down deep. Those roots hold them strong in even the toughest circumstances and harshest conditions. Those trees may suffer temporarily because of the wind; it may pain them to have to bend and give so much, but they won't break. They will stand back up when it's all done.
Me- God are you the roots?
God- Now you're starting to understand child.


All this time, I have been thinking there must be some lesson, some reason for the troubles this school year, something that God wanted to teach me. Maybe not. God can obviously teach me without causing me pain- He just did. I'm not that dense or stubborn that He has to get through my thick skull by being mean to me.

Though I feel at the end of my threshold of what I can take right now, though I am drained physically, mentally, emotionally, though I don't know how I can go another, single step... I will keep going. This wind storm will pass. I will be able to stand up again and spread my limbs. The spring will come, and the Son will warm my days. There will be fruit from this time. One day soon, a soft, gentle breeze will blow on my face and I will be a better, stronger person who understands another life problem/crisis. I will be better able to help someone else who is struggling because I will be able to say "I have been through that storm, and I survived."

How I see God...

This is a prelude to the next thing I want to journal about. It is part of a conversation I had with my momma today via email.

I have struggled for years with how I see God. How I got there is a loooong, boring story full of melodrama and silliness, and to be honest I hate female drama- see it plenty in my classroom and workplace. So moving on! I see God as a loving, kind God who obviously loves us so much. I mean He came down, lived as a human, allowed Himself to be beaten and murdered... puts up with us wicked humans, puts up with me and somehow still chooses to love us, bless us, and even more amazingly use us. But sometimes I feel like God is mad at me, that He isn't speaking to me- sort of a God-silent-treatment, that He isn't proud of me, or that He is disciplining me for some secret/hidden/unknown sin... There's a long story to that, but it doesn't really matter here.

But I don't only see God that way. I have that issue when I am low, struggling with lack of sleep, sickness, and hit life's speed bumps. I know it's a trick of the enemy to get me down and discouraged, and I'm learning to fight it. But, as I frequently tell people in real life, I "ride the little bus..." I'm a slow learner when it comes to God. :) I promise when it's my "time to go," God is going to send a little bus to pick me up.

I see God in many wonderful ways though, in all seriousness. And here is how I put it to my momma today in an email.

"I also see God as amazingly loving. Blessing beyond description. Kind. Merciful. Amazingly creative.

I see Him in the laughter and smiles and hugs of my children and my students and the kids at my school. I feel Him more than anywhere when I hug a child and get loved back even more than I could give. I see Him and His kindness to me EVERY SINGLE day when I get to go home and see my bright red, cheery car sitting in the parking lot and when I pull into the driveway of this really pretty home and know that He gave them to me. I see Him through my parent's lives and the examples they lived and continue to live (more than what they've ever said to me). I see Him in the trees gently swaying in the wind, in the clouds as they float by, and in a pretty sunrise on my way to work each day. When we visited the ocean I saw His great power. When we traveled through the mountains I saw His beauty and art and appreciation for diversity. I see Him in my flowers in the backyard, in the snow that falls gently and covers the earth with His cleanness and quietens the noises that surround us. I see Him even in something silly like our loving, devoted dog or the adorable kittens that were born in our home.

I see Him as especially kind to me, which in fact I've been struggling with as well. I know God does not have favorites, but I cannot explain why He would bless me more than others, or seemingly so.

• I had a father who loved me very much.
• I have a mother and pop who love me dearly and would do anything for me.
• I have been raised in a good, secure home by loving people who provided for my needs and many of my wants, who taught me how to love and live for God, who gave me a good, moral compass, taught me how to care about others, helped me seek God's will for my life, and who have supported me my whole life.
• I have a husband who loves me deeply and has for 21 years of marriage.
• I have three beautiful, wonderful, funny, compassionate young adult children.
• I have known pain, death, loss, hunger, financial problems, marital problems, health problems, but God has kept me/us through them and it could have been oh, so much more, terribly worse.
• I was born into a free nation that is so much more monetarily blessed. I could have been born into any number of countries where even a loving family wouldn't have been able to keep me safe from the horrors of war, rape, murder, famine, disease...
• I have never had to stand on a street corner and beg for money or food.
• I have never had to spend a night on the streets, in the woods, or have to worry about where to go at night.
• I have never known the rejection of a parent or suffered abuse or neglect by their hand.
• I know that my parents and family are very proud of me.
• I have material blessings too numerous to name.
• I am free to worship without having to worry about death, imprisonment, or persecution.

I see Him in a most loving, wonderful way. I just am painfully aware of how little I deserve it (I know that's the point of the whole thing- I'm just saying.). And I am very aware of how guilty it makes me feel to have all these things and see/know/work with/read about those who don't have so much of God's blessings.

100th Day

i had very little sleep last night and am going to try to be in bed by 10 so i better make this quick. :)

today was the 100th day of school! my kids BEGGED me to do a pajama party. with the craziness of snow days almost all last week, some of the kids forgot but we had a great day! they even bugged me to wear my 'jammies and i humored them. it was a comfy way to spend my day in my warm 'jammies and robe. :) and the kids were so cute seeing their teacher in her pajamas. i think maybe they didn't know i sleep too. :) haha

i had a new t.a. start today. it was a lovely day. :) only a couple negative comments from people, but i tried to head it off at the pass.

i've done a bunch of school work tonight and am ready to try to sleep now. wondering what tomorrow will bring since we're forecast to get some freezing rain and snow/sleet early in the morning before turning into just a cold rain. wonder if it will be a late start or no school again.

so goodbye 100th day. good night world! hope you all have a terrific tuesday!