I Am Scared But Trying Hard to Please You God

In just a few minutes I am leaving for the MRI test I have to go through to rule out some problem I may or, more likely, may not have. To say I don't want to go is an understatement of HUGE proportions!!!!!!!!

The dr. gave me the (at this point especially) much cherished "happy" pills, and I will be taking the first one shortly. I am just nervous, what if they don't help me relax, what if I am still quite aware of the machine's closeness to my big, massive, obese self, what if I can't stay still in the tube, what if it takes forever, what if I can't handle it, what if I get stuck (silly I know, but seriously)...

God,

I know I am so very undeserving of even asking any favors, and I so feel like I cannot ask You for anything for myself. I don't have that feeling when I pray for others, but don't like to pray for me. But, I also know You have taken care of me even when I couldn't see it, and I know You are with me now, even if I feel so very undeserving or if I don't understand Your plan. I also know that sometimes Your plan includes pain or suffering or hard times or hurt so that we can minister to another person in our journey. I'm ready for that, I want that, and I'm not afraid of a diagnosis, I just want to make it through this test and know what's up.

So Father, would You please calm my racing heart, my fears and insecurities? Would You walk with me through this test? Would You please stay beside me in the MRI machine where my husband can't go to comfort me and hold my hand? (I know it will be a tight fit with You and me both in there, :) but I know You're skinnier than me. :) Come on God, You know You are laughing at me, Your silly child!) Would You please help me not flip out from the fear of this extremely tight space? Would You just let me rest in You and, literally, rest and just sleep through it all? And most of all God, would You in Your wisdom and love please let there be an answer in this test, even if it is a disease or a label, Lord, I'd really, honestly, rather have that than a bunch of $ and tests and still no answer as to the problems I'm having. Because I know You can heal me of a disease or a name or You will help me live with it if that is what You want. Most of all, I just want to know what's causing me to feel so bad, You heal me of it or provide me with a way to live and deal with it, and hopefully I will let You shine through me in it all. Please God, let me get this one right. Let me please You.

With much love,
Your goofy child, Rebekah

Listening

I'm in a week long training for mentors, and today one of the trainers read us this piece on listening. It says a lot of what I feel sometimes about people I've confided in, friends, family, and I know it is something I need to remember when others are talking to me. So I hope that I have become and will continue to become a better listener. For those who might read this and know me, I apologize for times when I wasn't so good at listening to you.

On Listening (an excerpt by Ralph Roughton, M.D.)

When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen; not talk or do- just hear me. I can do for myself. I'm not helpless, maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and feeling of inadequacy. But when you accept as fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious, and I don't need advice.