God listens... I cry... yeah, that's about the norm

Please see my heart when you read this (if you read this). I am honestly not trying to be melodramatic, but just sharing where my heart is at this point in my life.

Every once in a while, you hear a song that just grabs you. This year has been probably the hardest year I have ever had as a teacher so far. It has torn me to pieces and made me question a lot- about God, about myself, about my calling and who I am. I've been praying about my future and talking to God about why we left home and came here and what He wants and why it matters (and does what I do even really matter to Him or make a difference for heaven??? 'cuz it sure doesn't seem like what I do can have any eternal, lasting effect most days), and where He wants me to go from here... for a long time, this year He was quiet (please know I am NOT saying He wasn't there, wasn't listening, or that He didn't care, just that He was quiet for the time). Then I heard this song on the computer one day when I had K-Love streaming in my classroom after the kids had gone home. I sat down at the computer and cried my eyes out. It was like God finally spoke to me, directly, and He had my attention!!!!

Though we are so blessed here in America (a fact I am keenly aware of and do NOT take for granted!!!!!), Rob & I do work with some very broken kids and families. Children who are not loved, children who have no food at home or parents to take care of them, children who have to parent themselves and their younger siblings, children who have seen too much of an ugly world many people out there have no idea exists. Children who have given up and are just trying to survive. Children whose eyes haunt me sometimes with the pain in them. Children who have captured our hearts and who will go with me to my grave in my heart and in my mind's eye.

Since that day I have heard this song on the radio many times. This past two weeks it has been playing in the mornings as we've gone to school a LOT- Rob & I have both heard it on the radio at the same time on a morning when we were both really struggling (Rob's school and my school are both "under fire.") I have heard it four of the last six days on my way to school. I suppose it might just be a coincidence, just the radio station playing a popular song, or just a total fluke... but for Rob & I it has meant a lot. And whether God was using a song that just happened to be written and just happened to be played at the exact time when we were both in the car (not something that usually happens with our school schedules) or at the time when I was on my way to the "battleground" each day, or whether He would have taken the time out of so much more pressing things to hear me and answer me, I cannot say.

This is what I do know- this song is true. How can I complain? I cannot. And the Bible says something to the effect of "if you've been given a lot, then a lot may be asked of you." I have been given a lot. How can I not, then give a lot? I cannot.

And I cannot turn away, though it would be easier for me- so much easier. It would mean less heartburn, less sleepless nights, less heartache and tears shed. It would mean less pain for me to not know, to just go teach in a "better school" where the kids and families are more intact and less "impacted" (just love that term- NOT!), but I do know now. It's like the homeless people I pass on the corners... I cannot pass them by and turn my face. I may not be able to solve all the problems of this world and the things my kids face, but they deserve to not be alone in their time of need.

So until God sends me somewhere new, I will "follow You" with all my heart God.

Follow You
You live among the least of these
The weary and the weak
And it would be a tragedy
For me to turn away
All my needs You have supplied
When I was dead You gave me life
So how could I not give it away so freely?

And I'll
Follow You into the homes of the broken
Follow You into the world
Meet the needs for the poor and the needy, god
Follow You into the world

Use my hands, use my feet


To make Your kingdom come
To the corners of the earth
Until Your work is done
Faith without works is dead
On the cross Your blood was shed
So how could we not give it away so freely?

And I give all myself
I give all myself
I give all myself to You

spring photos continued

more photos from this week

this is my peach tree; it survived the move to the new house last spring and it's looking great this year! :)

matthew took this one for me
forsythia- love this bush!!!

don't know what this is- but i LOVE it!!! so beautiful!

jealous

i hate feeling jealous. but i confess i have my moments. of jealousy. wrong i know. dwell on it i don't. but sometimes i just am. jealous.

jealous of the ones who got to know them, and we didn't.
jealous when they talk about all their happy, wonderful, good times, and we had none after him.
jealous because they know each other and we don't.
jealous because i remember them and they probably don't even know we exist.
jealous of their memories and the good times they represent.
jealous because something that should have been, could have been was stolen from us and we can never get it back. no matter anyone's good intentions now, it's gone and can never be given back.

i don't wish any of them ill. i am happy for them that their memories are so wonderful, happy that they have them, happy that they have a better relationship and family ties.

i just wish we did too, and it hurts. really bad.

a hunt for spring

tonight my three guys and i went for a walk at the bog gardens here in g'boro, and i went looking for "signs of spring." things are a little later coming out this year, probably because we had more of a "real winter" (by n.c. standards that is) than in the past few years since we moved here. but we definitely had fun and saw some signs of spring making its appearance. the earth is waking up once again.

here are some of my favorite photos from tonight...

grrrr... blogger is being a pain tonight and i have spent way too much time trying to load photos. i'll be back soon with more photos from our hunt for spring. i have some pretty ones!