Disagree I Must

I have heard so many times in my life- from my young adult years to this past week- this little saying- "You can't love others if you don't love yourself." It's always been said to me in an attempt to make me like myself better or to convince me that I should "love" me or that I can't really love others with such low self-esteem....

I have thought about this so many times, and I have always disagreed with this, but I must say that the older I get, the more I disagree with this and the more strongly I disagree with it!

I think there is too much self-love & self absorption in our country, too much focus on loving ourselves, our interests, our wants & desires. I think people spend too much time thinking about themselves and not enough time on others. More time solving their own problems and not enough on helping others find solutions for theirs. I think people like to flatter themselves too much instead of looking for ways to help make others be lifted up and supported. Why does it matter if a person loves himself? Isn't/shouldn't it be more important that people put others before themselves? Wouldn't our world be a better place if everyone would think less of themselves and more of others?

I don't think a whole lot about myself, on a good day I tolerate me okay, but I absolutely-100%-with all that is in me- ADORE a whole ton of kids walking around my school, and a few other schools where I have spent time, not to mention my own three wonderful kids! I dare anyone to tell me that I don't really love them since I don't love myself!

When I said this to someone this week in this discussion about self-esteem & loving myself, the counter-reply was that I must, then, really love myself and just don't want to admit it. I almost have to laugh. Why does it really matter if I love me or not? I am not the important thing here. I am not of much value or worth- it is Christ!!!! He is the one who is important, He is the one whose love it is that comes through me.

When I look up loving yourself & others in the Bible, the only thing I find is "love your neighbor as yourself" not love yourself before you love your neighbor. And the verse that says "by this all men will know that you are My disciples- that you love one another"- it didn't say "that you love yourself." In fact, now that I'm looking this up a bit more, it says "I'm giving you a new rule- love one another, as I have loved you, that's how you should love other people..." (my paraphrase). Now I'm no spiritual genius or knowledgeable Bible scholar, but it seems to me that Jesus' example was to actually not love Himself. He was God and yet He gave up heaven, being worshipped and adored and served to be born to a poor family, to live a quiet, humble & simple life, to be "acquainted with sorrows" and to ultimately sacrifice & lay down His life for others.

So, I will disagree with this once again and always. Sorry to all those who have tried to convince me, but save yourself the trouble. I just disagree. I prefer to follow His example and love others instead of myself. To love me would be a low standard, but to love others- what higher calling could I seek to pursue?

Another Round of 1st's & Lasts

So begins the "beginning of the end" with Barbara. Another BIG year for me- Barbara's last concert, Barbara's last swim meet, Barbara's last year of high school....

And then there will be the "first's" that come with the "last's" too. Today was a first, my first time to go shopping for a dress for homecoming/prom... Of course it was my first and my last time for that as she's my only daughter, but it was just the tiniest taste of what it might be like someday when she is engaged. OH MY!

She has saved the last of her summer job paychecks to buy a dress and the other items needed for this. She is running for Homecoming Queen, and will find out Friday night at the big football game. So she & I went out today to find her a dress.

Here she is trying on the dress she ended up buying. Next weekend, I'll post pictures of the big fun this Friday.

tonight's rant

okay, i'm really not meaning to sound as negative as these past couple have- i think i'm going nuts or something because i have a good part of the day where i feel okay inside about what's going on in my room- there are certain parts of the day i feel like it's all "clicking" and then there are parts of the day where everything is driving me crazy and it's chaos (or seems that way to me) and this week it's been every afternoon that i just cry or want to cry and want this year to end so i can say it's over....

i hate when my emotions run all over the place- i want to be in control of those better

here are the things that are bothering me the most right now

• well-meaning people that i should be grateful for but who just end up annoying me
• comments that i guess are meant to point out what i should be thankful for, but end up ticking me off- who is anyone to point out what another person should or shouldn't be thankful for & by saying it to someone else aren't we kind of judging that person and saying that they aren't thankful- how do we even know what they are or are not thankful for....
• people telling me to "calm down" when i'm not "uncalm" just crazy busy and trying to keep it all done and stay one step ahead of the chaos that is my life right now- that really gets my goat!!!
• parents who dont' have the balls to come tell me off to my face but have no problem going to other teachers, other parents, my superiors and complaining and griping...
• parents who are asking for info & i can't even find a spare moment in my day to get them the info they want let alone call them back or write them a note without going back to school and working late & i do mean LATE after i get my own kids picked up and arranged and taken care of
• having to sacrifice my time with my kids- two of whom will leave me next year for their own adult lives and pursuits
• people who expect you to call them every single day and leave forty-two million messages for you
• parents who get mad at you or want an explanation for why there kid was only "satisfactory" instead of "outstanding" on their behavior today- PLEASE- when you have shoes being thrown at you or you are being screamed at or you are just trying to teach 19 K's & 1sts's and keep up with it all how in the world would i even remember something that small????
• feeling like i must be being rude to people because people keep treating me like i am - when i am not meaning to seem that way- i just am trying to keep it all together and done- let alone done well
• having to spend yet another friday night at school (which i will have to tomorrow) to just try to get caught up & this after i stayed at school last friday night until the God-forsaken hours
• having to be away from my husband so much and not even getting to spend time with my family - talking with them, joking with them (which is how we live- a group of wise guys always kidding around) just being home with them
• being told i have to leave my room and 'take a break" and then parents asking me when i will get the assessments done - like i haven't been trying to
• not having assessments done when i keep trying but have to keep stopping for the phone ringing, parents coming in, kids arguing and not doing their work & needing to redirect & reteach and help problem solve
• not being more organized or something- i try and try and thought i had it figured out last week and then it's just another big set of piles everywhere this week- i know my assistant has to be getting frustrated with all the stuff everywhere- it's driving me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!

wow, that's quite a list. the thing that is bugging me the most is that i truly, honestly try to be a happy & positive person. i think that i must not be showing my usual happiness because i am getting a lot of questions about "how it's going" and "are you alright" and "are you mad at me"- i'm guessing my stress and frustration is showing & what i really want to show is Christ- so once again i fail at the thing i want to do most.

the only thing i feel like i'm mostly getting right for the moment is that i am loving my kids and they are growing in their comfort with me. i get TONS of hugs and waves and smiles and "i love you signs" from my old kids, friends of old kids, and some kids i never even taught but who just come to get a hug or say hello to me for some reason. that is the only part of my day, my work life, my calling that i feel like i'm getting right.

oh please God, let me get this right- i so want to honor You.

hiding in my house from now on

last night's walmart run for collage stuff for my K's & 1st's art project today brought me the wondrous joy of hearing a group of people laughing at me and calling me a hippo as i was shopping in the same aisle with them. no, i was not being paranoid & no i was not being sensitive. i heard what i heard and barbara was there and can attest to the fact that they were laughing at me.

what did i do?- walked away, totally embarrassed, totally fuming mad- spouted off a few aisles away about fat people having feelings too, bought me a movie- Diary of a Mad Black Woman, came home and watched another "hippo"/fellow "Big Mama" character and laughed so hard- I needed that!!!

i'm thinking i need to stop going out into public except to go to church or work. and work, well these recent experiences have me thinking about that too. i just need to stay where i am and never leave- because at least now i've been there long enough that most people like me and see past the blubber butt to the skinny, nice girl inside- even if they can't see the skinny girl, they see the nice girl. if i start over somewhere else i'll have to "start over" on that too. i'm tired of this. mostly i'm tired of me.

i really am mental

i love this yoyo thing my head does to myself.

i can't stand myself
i HATE myself
i can tolerate myself
i almost like myself
oh, well if i almost like me or like me a little bit, just wait- i'm sure to find some reason why something is my fault or i did something just not right or failed someone......

repeat this over and over and over and over and over and over............ well you get the idea- a sure recipe for stupidity & failure in the whole confidence thing- yeah, that'd be me for sure! :)

mostly right now i am just very, very tired & disgusted with how i just seem to be barely staying afloat with so much work and effort or maybe i'm not really putting enough effort into it- i don't know. i just want my room to be perfectly wonderful all the time and when it's not- well i get really mad at myself

i feel like it is a yo-yo. i have moments in each day where i feel so great about the kids and what is happening at that moment - it just is wonderful- like today while we were on our weekly Wednesday Walk. the air was perfect, the temps just right, the sun shining, the kids having a blast, they were all holding hands and walking and talking and including me in the hand holding and it was fun then later, i feel like one student's behavior just ruined it all for me, and i'm frustrated beyond words that none of my "tricks" are making change in the behavior.

this pattern is repeated almost exactly this way each day. it makes me want to cry.........being sleep-challenged isn't helping either, and on that note, i should be in bed and not here, but i needed to get this down and out of my head (well, it won't be out of my head, but i know what i mean) goodnight rebekah, go to sleep self!