love the ones you're with

I haven't written anything in quite a while.  I've been swamped with work (teaching two grades is a lot of work, just so you know) :).  I've had more issues with my stupid ankle and what appeared to be a gall bladder attack.  Between those I've spent more time in a dr.'s office then I care to say. :) 

And mostly, I have just felt quieter of late.  Nothing important to share, no deep thoughts (Sis, I went back to the shallow end to splash and play). :)

My mother-in-law died this past weekend, and the past two weeks have just been hard.  That's the short version.  I don't feel like the long version today.  This experience is definitely teaching me a lot- not sure where I'll file all this new knowledge though- probably in the "this stinks" file.

I've always felt like I am too "clingy" with the ones I love, and I probably bug them to death with all my "I love you's" and talking too much, and I know my kids probably wish I didn't hug them so much.  I don't mean to be a pain, it's just that I learned very young that no one is guaranteed tomorrow.  When my daddy died, I was 11 and I found out that you can't always say goodbye or tell someone one last time, "I love you."  Now I see that even when you do get to say goodbye or I love you, you still wish you could say more.

So family, I'm sorry, but you're stuck with this clingy, hugging, big mouthed, "I love you" ten million times person.  Because when my time comes, I want you to KNOW in your heart that I loved you, that I was proud of you, that I thought more of you than I could ever say, that I will always love you, that you were important to me, and that I will not forget you in heaven.  I don't want to get to heaven with regrets, and I don't want you to have any either.

I know they won't all see this, but I am saying it here anyway.  Rob, Robert, Barbara, Matthew, Momma-mine, Pop, Daddy (though you're in heaven, still), Jessica, Scott, and Zoe- I LOVE YOU.

Hug your family today and tell them you love them. 

Goodbye

I have been a part of your life for 24 years, and for most of that I have felt like an outsider around you.  I grew used to it and wished it were otherwise, but tried to make the best of it.  I wanted to have a good relationship with you, but my efforts never seemed to reap any results. I have shed so many tears over this, and spent countless hours feeling guilty about the situation. 

Now you're gone.  I am going through your belongings and personal things.  I see little things that make me wonder- Did you like me after all?  I found the posts from my blog that you had printed off and had with your Bible study things.  Oh, how that has made me cry these last few hours.  We found the photo of B in  your firebox, and I wish you would have let her know she meant more to you than she knew.

I see how bad your health was and how limited your abilities were these last few months, and I wish you would have told Rob and me.  I don't know what we could have done from NC, but we should have known.  I'm so thankful now that we came at Christmas. 

You had a hard life I know, and I would have liked to have been closer to you.  The kids and I would have brought you much joy and laughter if you'd have let us in more.  I am saddened for you that you didn't because you missed out on something good, especially with the kids.  I am saddened that you didn't have a better relationship with Rob.  He is a wonderful man- one that you would be proud of.  He's been my best friend since we started dating.  He's stuck with me and never left me or been unfaithful to me even through so many hard times.  He's a terrific dad!  He is a compassionate, gifted teacher; I wish you could have seen him or talked with him about his daily life as a teacher. 

I know you are at peace today, having a wonderful time in heaven.  I can see from your things that following God was important to you.  I'm so proud to see all the Bible study things you printed off, the things that show how involved in your church you were while you were able-bodied and knowing how even when you became more limited in mobility, you kept involved in a Bible study group.  I am hearing all these wonderful things about you from your neighbors and friends, and I am glad you brought joy to others around you.

I hope that somehow in heaven you can know that Rob loves you, that I do too.  I'm sorry that I wasn't a better daughter-in-law.  I hope you will be able to watch your son as he grows older and that you will see the good he does for God.  I hope you will know about your grandkids as they continue to grow and mature and begin their own adult lives.

I hope you know that I did care.

Goodbye.
Rebekah