Work Frustrations!

To my mother-in-law, momma, sister, friends, or anyone else who may read this, just a warning. This is just me venting to myself tonight. I am probably going to sound immature, childish, stupid, or any other # of descriptive words that are not very complimentary. I am sorry. I'm just really, really frustrated right now. We're taking a Saturday trip to the mountains to just "get away" from our work frustrations right now. I sure hope the peace & beauty of God's creation & His mountains will help soothe my hurt feelings and raw emotions.

Earlier this week, a coworker came into my room and over to me and asked me, "What's wrong with you? What's your problem?" I had no idea what she was talking about. Then yesterday a different coworker came into my room and closed the door behind her to tell me that "everyone" in K wanted to know "what was wrong with me...." Then came a list of ways I have been rude, unkind, unfriendly, cold, distant, etc. with certain members of our grade level. I heard a list of my wrongs, some of which were flat untrue such as that I had changed my "p.e." time to avoid being with another teacher, that I ate at the end of the table because I don't want to eat with them, that I am cold and unfriendly with them, that I joke and cut up and am friends with so & so and so & so, but then don't act the same with others.... Supposedly, the grade level feels I am depressed or down and "quite concerned" about me. There are some that feel I don't like them....

So, of course, me being who I am, I cried all the way home, questioned myself all night and all day today, am extremely embarrassed and self-conscious that I am the focus of attention and conversation for some, and angry that people have to discuss me like that instead of just coming to me and asking me directly. If "they" are so concerned, why didn't anyone act like a friend and just come talk to me. If someone is so upset that I don't like her, then why didn't she ever just come ask me what the problem was, especially when everyone says how I'm "such a nice, pretty, funny, friendly, sweet person..." Make me puke! But seriously if I am such a nice person, normally, then wouldn't it seem odd that I would just dislike someone or multiple persons for no reason. Wouldn't it be possible that in fact, I do like whomever and that there is something else at play. Then to know that others just jumped on the gossip mill and added to it. Not to mention that I have heard almost all of these people badmouth all the others at one time or another. And I don't just mean badmouth, I mean BAD mouth. And last spring, somebody told a big lie about me to my former assistant, which she believed, and then she was really upset, hurt, and mad at me.

So what did I do? Classic Rebekah move- send everyone an apology for being so ugly and rude and making people feel so uncomfortable around me. Then today, at lunch, someone got up and insisted that I sit in their chair with the rest of this "group" (not all our grade level feels this way, by the way, just this group). What could I do but sit there? I sure didn't want to and it's not because I don't like them (although I am upset right now). It's just that I don't like mind games and being manipulated. I sit in the same stupid spot I have always sat in for reasons I explained which I shouldn't have had to- I like to see my kids, I am claustrophobic and like to be on the end, and I am a FAT A*** and don't like to crowd people so I sit on the end so I can give people more room plus where I sit I can see my "old" kids as they come in to lunch. This is so JUNIOR HIGH it's not funny! I hated junior high and I sure don't want to act like a dumb kid when I'm in my upper 30's for crying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to inform these coworkers of this, but my world doesn't actually revolve around them. I actually don't sit and think about ways to snub them, and ways to "show them up" (as at least one of them thinks I do) and ways to be a snot to them. I actually don't think of them much at all. See, I have a life- I am a mom, wife, daughter, and teacher. I have enough to think about with all of that without adding diabolical plans to be mean to everyone I work with to my day. I'm not that mean! I have a husband I adore that I worry about and his concerns to think about. I have three great teenagers who have a lot on their schedules (which transfers to mine) and a lot to learn and who need parents who are there for them for their problems and trials and life lessons and future plans. I have two parents and a sister far away from me that I try to stay in touch with and who I worry about and who I can't be there for since I am far away from them. I have a classroom full of little ones depending on me to teach them, love them, and be a role model for plus parents and families who need me to be there for their kids plus a couple friends who are about to be student teachers and who are relying on me to help them whenever I can. I have new responsibilities I have never had before at work that I take seriously like being on the leadership team, being a mentor and being a "buddy teacher" for someone who is new to the U.S. and certainly the "N.C." way.

I am so frustrated right now that if it weren't for the $ my family needs, my two student-friends who are counting on me, and the former kids of mine that I really want to stay there for, I would just give my 30 days notice and go find another job. I'm seriously questioning my future at AJE.