Pondering

I've reached a decision about something. I have difficulty putting my views into words, and when asked about my "philosophy" on anything- well, forget it! Of course, as a teacher, that's a frequent question from administrators, professors, instructors....

But, after just over three years here in GCS, I'm ready to make one philosophical statement. As I sat in my workshop this morning (the 2nd Saturday in a row), I realized that my "philosophy" & the current one I'm seeing in this county is a mismatch. I can't figure out if it's my school, my district, my current state, or just the state of education with good ol' NCLB- which, by the way, I've decided to rename for "No Common-sense Left to Be found."

I left the workshop with some ideas, some stretching of my professionalism and level of teaching (which is always GREAT), but also feeling like a lousy teacher. There are so many things I know to do, want to do, & know that work, but in trying to do everything I'm "supposed" to do for this stupid county, my school, the powers-that-be, well at the end of the week, most weeks I just feel like I've failed.

I can hear some of my family and even my boss telling me that my less-than-best is still wonderful.... etc., etc., etc., but I am still so very, very frustrated.

I actually left today and drove home and cried all the way there thinking I should just quit being a teacher. But, I know in my heart I was meant to be a teacher. That I was wired by Him to be this and nothing else. I absolutely, with-everything-that's-in-me love my students and am so tied to so many children at my school. There is nothing else I am trained or skilled to do. Even if I did try to do something else (and I'm sure that is not what God designed me for), I couldn't make what I do now with all these years of experience and having to start over in a new field at the bottom of a pay scale. It kills me that all I really want to do is just teach my kids and help them go as far as they can go & be left alone. Why, oh why, can't I just do that?!?!

My to-do list grows exponentially daily, it seems. I work twice as hard or more just to keep my head barely above water. I hardly sit all day, and even my assistant worries and fusses at me to "slow down, Mrs. Thomas." By the end of the day & week, all I have to show for that running, hustling & bustling is a messy work space, a pile of copies to figure out & organize, a to-do list of materials to pull, make, create for the next week. And that's just the normal week. Poor Elba has to live in the same classroom with crazy, seemingly disorganized & chaotic me (and yes, I am a bit of those things, but normally not this much).

Then there are the beloved PEP's that I have to do now. I very stupidly went and told my principal how I really felt, and expressed how frustrated and tired I was. Then a few days later, she relates to me that I was in a "snit" and yeah, now I feel embarrassed, and disgusted with myself & ashamed of myself for doing what I thought was standing up for myself and my fellow K teachers. I did the stupid PEP's for kids who don't even need them (long story that only an AJE teacher would understand so I won't bore the two people who might be reading this), and got my report cards turned in two days late, and what now? Now I have a post-it note from the boss that I must do 5 more PEP's.

I am tired beyond words. I keep thinking I can't get more tired or worn out- physically, mentally, or emotionally, but then I keep going on somehow- well I know it's God, but still.
I am frustrated with myself (most of all), with coworkers, with a lot of stuff.
I am discouraged.
I am lonely- yeah, very lonely.
I am homesick.
I am sick, and sick of being sick.

I know God is bigger than all this, and to His hands I am placing my life & all this "stuff." I know He will bring me through and I will be a better person for it. Until then, I am not a very happy camper.