I have struggled for years with how I see God. How I got there is a loooong, boring story full of melodrama and silliness, and to be honest I hate female drama- see it plenty in my classroom and workplace. So moving on! I see God as a loving, kind God who obviously loves us so much. I mean He came down, lived as a human, allowed Himself to be beaten and murdered... puts up with us wicked humans, puts up with me and somehow still chooses to love us, bless us, and even more amazingly use us. But sometimes I feel like God is mad at me, that He isn't speaking to me- sort of a God-silent-treatment, that He isn't proud of me, or that He is disciplining me for some secret/hidden/unknown sin... There's a long story to that, but it doesn't really matter here.
But I don't only see God that way. I have that issue when I am low, struggling with lack of sleep, sickness, and hit life's speed bumps. I know it's a trick of the enemy to get me down and discouraged, and I'm learning to fight it. But, as I frequently tell people in real life, I "ride the little bus..." I'm a slow learner when it comes to God. :) I promise when it's my "time to go," God is going to send a little bus to pick me up.
I see God in many wonderful ways though, in all seriousness. And here is how I put it to my momma today in an email.
"I also see God as amazingly loving. Blessing beyond description. Kind. Merciful. Amazingly creative.
I see Him in the laughter and smiles and hugs of my children and my students and the kids at my school. I feel Him more than anywhere when I hug a child and get loved back even more than I could give. I see Him and His kindness to me EVERY SINGLE day when I get to go home and see my bright red, cheery car sitting in the parking lot and when I pull into the driveway of this really pretty home and know that He gave them to me. I see Him through my parent's lives and the examples they lived and continue to live (more than what they've ever said to me). I see Him in the trees gently swaying in the wind, in the clouds as they float by, and in a pretty sunrise on my way to work each day. When we visited the ocean I saw His great power. When we traveled through the mountains I saw His beauty and art and appreciation for diversity. I see Him in my flowers in the backyard, in the snow that falls gently and covers the earth with His cleanness and quietens the noises that surround us. I see Him even in something silly like our loving, devoted dog or the adorable kittens that were born in our home.
I see Him as especially kind to me, which in fact I've been struggling with as well. I know God does not have favorites, but I cannot explain why He would bless me more than others, or seemingly so.
- I had a father who loved me very much.
- I have a mother and pop who love me dearly and would do anything for me.
- I have been raised in a good, secure home by loving people who provided for my needs and many of my wants, who taught me how to love and live for God, who gave me a good, moral compass, taught me how to care about others, helped me seek God's will for my life, and who have supported me my whole life.
- I have a husband who loves me deeply and has for 21 years of marriage.
- I have three beautiful, wonderful, funny, compassionate young adult children.
- I have known pain, death, loss, hunger, financial problems, marital problems, health problems, but God has kept me/us through them and it could have been oh, so much more, terribly worse.
- I was born into a free nation that is so much more monetarily blessed. I could have been born into any number of countries where even a loving family wouldn't have been able to keep me safe from the horrors of war, rape, murder, famine, disease...
- I have never had to stand on a street corner and beg for money or food.
- I have never had to spend a night on the streets, in the woods, or have to worry about where to go at night.
- I have never known the rejection of a parent or suffered abuse or neglect by their hand.
- I know that my parents and family are very proud of me.
- I have material blessings too numerous to name.
- I am free to worship without having to worry about death, imprisonment, or persecution.
I see Him in a most loving, wonderful way. I just am painfully aware of how little I deserve it (I know that's the point of the whole thing- I'm just saying.). And I am very aware of how guilty it makes me feel to have all these things and see/know/work with/read about those who don't have so much of God's blessings.
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