Out of the blue...

I had a good day at school. I am enjoying my new students. My daughter and son have volunteered a lot and helped me much more than I could ever say or repay! I came home and have had a nice evening with my husband and Matthew.

Then out of the blue, it hits me. It hasn't been here for a few days. And now it's back. And I hate it. I wish it would go away. Maybe I'm just pyscho.

And, why, I ask myself, am I doing this tonight? Why did the blues hit me hard? Because somebody said something and it made me feel like they think I failed. I'm tired of being told, "You're back where you belong." I can't tell you how many times I've heard that in the past month. And, I don't know why that statement bothers me at all, except that it makes me feel like all these people think I sucked and failed last year. I'm tired of hearing about bad teachers and how badly our school sucks, and then to hear it from people I like or look up to, and I'm hearing it more and more from people I care about. I know my school is a "failing school," and I don't make excuses. I am HARDER on myself than anyone could ever be to themselves. I don't think anybody could push themselves more than I do myself. Yeah, I agree that graduation rates and test-pass rates around the nation are atrocious. I just am struggling to understand how that many teachers are that bad. And am I one of them?

I think anybody who knows me knows I CARE about my kids, probably more than most. But what if that's not enough, because these days it seems it's not in most people's books. And caring a lot doesn't give the almighty test score a boost, and that's all that matters.

I hope I wake up with "it" gone because right now I am just very, very blah.

On a happier note:

• I am so thankful for my WONDERFUL young people. I have the BEST kids in the whole wide world!!!!! Barbara & Matthew have been volunteering in my classroom and helped me tremendously get moved and unpacked and set up. My new kids love Barbara & Matthew too, which is sweet! :)
• Thanks to my kids' help and a lot of work on my part, I am more organized than I've ever been in all my years of teaching- even with two grades in one room!
• My classroom looks nicer than ever before, and I've gotten lots of compliments on it. It's so nice to walk into each morning- just makes me smile. And at the end of the day, I know it's silly, but I just look around my room because it looks so good. :)
• My new class- they're sweet and eager and my biggest problem, so far, is some chattiness and a class clown or two. No violence, no racial slurs, no fighting and bullying, no drugs or weapons. Refreshing!
• Charlotte, who co-taught with me last year and still believes in me- she will never know how much that means to me. She doesn't think less of me and still wants to be my teaching partner. :)
• A 4th grade teacher came to me today and what she said just touched my heart so deeply. She probably will never know how much it meant to me too, but being needed and helping others just makes my day. And she made mine! :)
• Payday- we made it to payday. Sure we are major overdrawn and behind on bills; we didn't have enough to make it all the way, but we made it. Thank God for a job and for money coming back in once again, even if it is less money than last year.