I am trying to remember that this will pass as it always does. But I am not feeling "the love" the last few days. I don't know why; I do know I really hate when I get this way. So in an effort to help myself get it off my chest, I am going to journal it here.
We had a lot last month. Really, I've had a lot this year, none of it a big deal or anything worth complaining about, just a lot of stupid, little things. I'm trying to remind myself of that. But then, the psycho Rebekah kicks in and tells me that it's just me making excuses and being a weakling. If you could see my mind and hear the thoughts that I think about myself- well it's upsetting to those who love me, humorous to me sometimes how messed up I am, and probably seriously pyscho if a counselor or shrink could see what my brain thinks when I get like this. I tell myself that if this were my sister, my mom, Rob, or a friend, I would be saying things like, "You've had a lot to deal with this year- surgery, infection, injury, death of a family member, major life transitions, work stress.... cut yourself some slack." But this isn't someone else; it's me- the crazy one. Grrrr...., I'm such a mess of a person!
I didn't want to go back to school Monday morning- had a really tough time emotionally. Got to the parking lot and just sat in my car wondering if any of it is worth anything anymore. Then I prayed and asked God to help me suck it up and put on my big girl pants. :) I went on in, had a great day with my kids and was fine. Until after school meetings. Nothing went wrong, everything was fine... but because of me being who I am and partly because I teach two grades and can't be in both places at the same time- I miss out on info and being part of a team sometimes. I often feel like the fifth wheel (and in this case I am the 5th teacher on both grade levels so it cracks me up to think of it like that). Then Tuesday we have this staff meeting about dealing with stress- which stressed me out and the whole time I thought it was ironic and funny in a weird way that a meeting about not being stressed was causing me to be stressed out. Some of what was said hit home- life changes that cause stress- many of which I am dealing with, symptoms of stress, the negative self-talk....
What it all comes down to is this. I was made by God to be a teacher; it's all I've ever wanted to be, all I know. I can't believe I can say this now, but I am a good teacher. Because of God helping me, and life experiences I've had, I'm good with kids & families. I love being with my students in our classroom- it's a safe, fun, loving place to be. I'm sick to death of meetings after meetings and yet more meetings, trainings that teach you nothing you didn't know already, six million demands from higher ups telling your boss to tell you to do it this way or else, the constant demands being added on and piling up, assessments that stretch halfway to heaven or higher, the constant infringements on your time in the workday and in your personal life- oh wait, do teachers get to have a personal life???. I just want to teach- to be with my kids and help them. I don't want to try to impress every big whig who walks through our lives, try to compete with others for bragging rights or recognition, collaborate on every minute detail of my daily life, evaluate others (I'm a full time job myself folks!)..... Teaching is not what it used to be, and I'm finally really getting sick of that. They are like vampires sucking the life and joy out of the only thing I've ever known as a working adult, out of the one thing in life I feel like I am good at, out of something that is a huge part of my identity. And it hurts, and it's tiring. I'm so afraid because when I read what I wrote, I am afraid it's burnout, and I don't know how to deal with that. I've been fighting that for a couple years now and it's not getting better. The teaching profession is getting really bad! :(
Then, I'm worried about Rob; he's hurting and there's nothing I can do about it. I wish I could take that away for him. I wish I could make it better. There's the hurt of losing a parent which I get. But then there's the hurt of abandonment, divorce, and so many other issues I can't share here because they're not mine to share. I can't fix that. I'm hurting, though it's not the same- nowhere near it and I would never want to say it is. Still I'm bothered a lot by my mil's death. Lots of questions I have that can never be answered, guilt- lots of that-I'm ashamed of my failings as a daughter-in-law, wishes that will never be able to be fulfilled..... That bothers me a lot, and I can't tell anyone.
I'm oh so proud of our oldest son, Robert. He's grown up into a fine young, Christian man. I am excited for him to start his new adventure with his new job and living in his own apartment. I am ready for him to leave the nest, but I am also sad to see him go. I know we'll still see him and talk to him; he's too much like me to just leave and never call/come by. Still, what will life look like when he's not here every day and I don't talk to him every day? He'll make new friends and we won't know anything about them. He'll do things and go places and move on without us as he should, but it will feel strange. I know I have no right to say these things really. He could not be here; he almost wasn't. I am very aware of how blessed I am to have him and have to these issues. Please don't think I am taking it for granted. It's just an adjustment and now that it's here I am having mixed emotions.
I'm so behind on things I need to do, but am working on my list slowly trying to get it all done. I did get all our taxes done and in the mail (thanks to Matthew for going to the post office on tax day!). I have caught up and am keeping ahead slightly on my lesson planning. I have to do some peer observations and get those entered online, prepare for all the testing stuff starting next week. I still have to deal with my mil's bills and write the thank you notes from her memorial. I've put that off, and I feel bad because I've broken whatever funeral etiquette there is out there, but I had other things pressing and now I just honestly don't want to open up the book from the funeral home. I have to make myself do that this weekend!
After clearing out my mil's apartment, I want to make sure I am more organized and not a clutter bug, but there is not time for that in my work/life week, so I'm trying to be patient with myself and tell myself it's okay to get through the school year first.
So anyway, the whole scoop is that Rebekah is screwed up mentally for those of you who don't know it. I am trying to cope with it, remember that these are just feelings and not necessarily really the facts, that I am my worst critic and that I am exceptionally good at being critical of myself. This will pass and in a few weeks/months I will semi-like/tolerate myself once again. I keep telling myself that these are normal emotions, that many of my colleagues probably feel the same way, that it's okay and I'm not a horrible human being.
But for tonight, I am tired, in physical pain, and oh so ready to end this school year.
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