What a week this has been! Who am I kidding? What a school year this has been! I didn't know I could be so tired and yet still keep going on somehow. How does a body function on so little sleep for so long? Why can't I sleep? These are the questions that seem to be a recurring theme for me once again. I did this when my mom got sick with cancer. Okay, stress and worry. But what's the problem this time?
I know God loves me and He doesn't just sit up there in the great beyond and zap me when I'm sinful or fail Him, even if it is often. But, I'm so tired and don't understand why I don't get any sleep, even when I ask Him for help every day and night. I feel like I must be doing something wrong. Even our pastor one time said something like this in Bible study- "if a person can't sleep, maybe they need to search their hearts for secret sins and repent..." I've repented of everything I can think of and probably for things I didn't even need to repent of. I apologize to God, my family, my friends, my coworkers, acquaintances, and given the chance, will even apologize to complete strangers. Next thing I know I will be apologizing to the grass, trees, flowers, van... :)
This too is a major theme in my life. Ask my family or anyone who has worked with me for very long; they'll tell you!
I notice that with the sleep deprivation comes the self-dislike and guilt complex- okay, it makes it much worse. So I'm just trying to hang on and keep going. I know these are just feelings and not reality. Many people I work with say wonderful things about me (too nice if you ask me). So I must not suck (excuse my mouth, but it is how I feel) as much as I think. One foot in front of the other. My momma says (and I do remember this some) that she went through this. Some of my dear pals from school say that they have had the emotional rollercoaster feelings I'm feeling too. So, maybe it is just my age- cherish that thought. :) I know I have to just get through this time and it will pass. But right now, I don't want to live like this for a few more years.
I can take "medicine," which is what my friends at work keep telling me to do, and the doctor. So I tried it. Guess what, it makes me not sleep even more! Imagine that. So I quit.
Maybe I should not be so hard on myself. After all, this week brought with it a flat tire (I think I hit something that slit the tire) & all the excitement of finding transportation for my kids, having to ask for help from a coworker, more behavior issues to figure out at school (that list has gotten so long, it's disgusting!), flying by the seat of my pants all week long (even though I usually wear dresses) :) - okay, so I may be able to do it and no one else know it- but I do, forgetting my tennies & wearing flip-flops to school (YIKES!), hearing gunshots and being scared in my own home and (are you ready for this) then not sleeping well....
Trying to put it all in perspective, my kinderkids do love me and hang on me and play with me and laugh/kid/cut up with me & learn almost anything I present to them, and when I'm with them (even though their behaviors have been CHALLENGING) I feel God with me and know that I am in His will and that I am important to these little ones. When I think about my kids, I know I have done God's will and been a good mom. My kids are terrific!!! They are serving God, being a witness for Him, trying to live for Him, they do love us and help out a HUGE amount, are respectful to adults and us (usually-smile).... My husband loves me and says I'm his best friend. He has stood by me through thick and thin. My parents and sister love me and think highly of me.
So I'll just keep on putting one foot in front of the other for right now. Maybe with more prayer, some unisom, prayer, prayer, and a little more prayer, I'll get there. For right now, I'm tired and sorry. :)
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