A :( Mommy Day

Yesterday was not the greatest day for me as a mom. I had a big (as in huge, tremendous, gargantuan) fight with one of my children; I lost my cool and so did they (okay, I know not grammatically correct, but to protect my child's identity I will not refer to gender here- smiles). We both lost our tempers, and we both said things we shouldn't have said. I had to really, literally, "get a hold of myself" so I didn't physically strike out and whoop somebody who is too old for being whooped anymore, and I had to remind myself that I am supposed to be an adult and need to act like one. I have to admit that I am feeling a wee bit jealous of my sister and the youth leaders (not to worry, it's nothing too serious) though. See, Jessica is "the coolest" (and I do quote)- not like me, I guess. I'm just "mom" or maybe chopped liver. Jessica & the kids' youth leaders are really "in the know" as it were. You know, I'm just mom and don't really understand how they might feel or how life is now. I was never really a teenager like them; and, of course, when I was a teen, well, it's not possible that I ever liked a girl/boy, wanted to have dates, was mad at a friend or parent (yeah, especially parents- as Grandma & Grandpa never do or did anything wrong or unfair or were grouchy, tired, overworked, etc.- they were perfect parents!), was popular/unpopular (well, I wasn't actually ever anywhere close to popular, come to think of it!).... See when I was a teen, life was all rosy, we never had problems, and my world (family, school, responsibilities, friends...) were the ideal & perfect life, so how could I possibly understand how my children might feel ? I mean really, Rebekah, how could you even think you understand!?!?!??? DUH!

I know, I know, this is part of the phase of their lives. My children do love me and do think a lot of me.... I know they will probably grow up to appreciate me and love me and all that jazz. It's just that one of my biggest fears (behind them not serving God all the days of their lives) is that they will grow up and we will not be close. I want to be their friends and stay a close part of their lives- always. I want to be there for them in good and in bad. I want to help support them (emotionally, if not with $) through college and dating and engagement, and early marriage and parenthood. I want to be there when the world gives up on them (which I hope it never does) and others aren't there- cheering them on, being proud of them no matter what- like my own momma was & has been for me. But, I am trying hard to remember, that the bottom line is/was to raise them up "in the path they should go..." I am trying to remember that it really isn't all about me anyway. I am supposed to train them, love them, provide for them, and then let them fly- to wherever that may be. I can hope and pray for a close adult relationship, and I'm pretty sure, we will actually all be close as adults, but if not, as long as they're serving God, I did accomplish what my God-given goal was to do.

And, Rebekah, don't forget, it was just a day in our lives- not the whole thing, the big picture. They do love you, dummy, and they will grow up and realize that you were there for them. Being their mom, and a true friend, doesn't mean letting them do everything they want and get away with anything they say/do even if it's wrong, and being a soft parent. Yeah, I just have to remember that love has to be tough sometimes, and I can't take the "ugly" words and countless (literally) sighs, huffs, stomps, slams, smart-aleck comments, rude things to heart too much. They don't really mean them, way down deep inside- where it really counts.

So hopefully tomorrow, or another day soon will be a better :) Mommy day for me. (Meaning, I'll feel good about my relationships with my children, and so will they!)

And God, please help me to be a better mom. God, please help me to love them like You do. Help me to not lose my own temper, but me a better example & role model of how to deal with anger. Help me to not "knock their blocks off" when they get smart with me (patience, Lord). And help me to not beat myself up so much when we have a bad day!