Dizzy

I woke up in the middle of the night not feeling well. I stayed home today thinking if I slept and did nothing it might help. Now it's 10 something at night, and I'm so dizzy it's not funny. This morning I thought I ate something that didn't agree with me or had a little flu bug, but now I guess I know what it really is...

I have something called Meneire's Disease. It causes spells of vertigo, hearing loss, and assorted other issues. I've had it for a while, but it wasn't diagnosed, officially, until this past March. It's not much fun.

So here I sit, trying not to move much, holding my head as still as I can, waiting until I absolutely can't stand it anymore to get up and do everything I need to do at once. I am feeling terribly guilty about staying home from school today and knowing I shouldn't stay home tomorrow, but not wanting to drive or go to work feeling like this either. I've been doing better for a while now, just minor hearing problems that worsened from time to time and short spells of ear ringing/roaring that didn't last too long. But over the last couple months or so, I've been noticing more and more issues with hearing. I haven't heard my cell phone ring countless times. My kids get aggravated at me because they have to repeat themselves a lot with me. I can't hear a thing in the cafeteria unless you're sitting right in front of me or next to me and I still have to try to read lips or turn my head towards whoever is speaking, and I'm having troubles in the classroom and on the playground too. A lot of times I just try to act like I hear my coworkers or kids or students and try to figure out what's being said, on a time delay- sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't. Some of my coworkers don't understand and, to be honest, I don't think they even believe me. I laughingly told my principal I was going to get a Dr.'s note, but I'm wondering if I shouldn't do that.

When these "bad spells" happen, I struggle with wondering how I am going to do my job and drive and be a good mom and wife and live with these spells. When they ease up, it's bearable. Right now, though, I feel dizzy and sick to my stomach, my ears are hurting and ringing. I hate this!!!!!!!!!! I've been really trying not to say much about this to Rob, my family, my coworkers- I've said some I know- but I've tried not to let on how much trouble I'm having. I'm sick of me, and I know there's nothing that can be done anyway. If I'm sick of me, how much more is everyone else?!!!! Besides, everyone has their problems to deal with; no one needs to add mine.

So, God, it's me once again. You know I've got this dumb problem, and it's getting worse. My hearing is starting to really be an issue, and although it didn't bother me at first, the thought of having permanent hearing loss is bugging me a bit right now. And right now, I've got the vertigo big time. I need you to take care of this so I can get up and go to work tomorrow or if you want me to stay home and rest, then I need to not feel so guilty all the time about missing work. I don't really think I miss that much, but You know me- I always feel guilty about something, don't I? I'm a real piece of work, God. Bet You wonder about me a lot don't You. :) Hope I still make You laugh sometimes, though. I try to please You and be humorous to You too. I crack myself up sometimes, anyway. Does that count? :)

Good night God.