Sad

Sorry to seem silly, and this is open, I know, for anyone out there to read, but tonight I just need to tell God some things.

God,
It's me again. I'm just sad tonight, God. My uncle is not doing well. I've been emailing with my cousin the past two nights, and it is BAD. I'm so afraid for their family he will not make it, and I pray and I know You are able to heal. So please, God, will you heal my uncle? I hurt for my cousins and my aunt as I know how terribly painful it is to watch someone you love so dearly suffer, and hurt, and look as if they might not make it, and come to death's door. And there's not thing one you can do, but just stand there and watch. You can't make the pain any better, you can't cheer their spirits much, you can't give them strength. I thought my daddy dying was the worst thing in my life, but then my momma got sick, and I found out there are worse things.

My momma has to go for yet, more, tests two days this week and to another specialist- and this on the day she was supposed to get released from her cancer dr. She found out that he will not "ever release her" because her cancer was so bad. :( I'm hurt for my momma who is disappointed, I know. I'm tired of her having to go through so much pain and suffering, even after 5 years, and I'm tired of her not being free from scares and tests. I know I should be grateful she's here & Lord, You know I am! I don't mean to complain, but I just hate this world and death and sickness. I hate it all!!!!!

I've been reminded of past hurts with my daddy's family. God, I have forgiven them. I know they did the best they could with what they were dealt. I know I was not perfect in my actions in many things. I know all that. I'm truly not mad at them. It just hurts, God. Knowing they couldn't probably help it and that they did the best they could doesn't give me back lost years that I could have known my cousins, come to know my aunts & uncles as an adult, could have spent time with my grandparents. It doesn't give my kids the family they should have had and will now never, ever know. And now, I'm just expected to pick up the phone and chat like I'm talking with and old friend, like nothing ever happened. I can't do it, Lord. I don't even like to talk to hardly anyone on the phone. I call my mom & sister (and that, not enough). I call Rob and the kids. I don't call anyone else, not anyone. I just don't do phone calls that much. Then, to try to talk with someone who is your blood relative but who doesn't know who you really are- they just think they know you because you're a "Lott." That really gets me! It's just too awkward and too hard. What am I supposed to do, God? How can I please You in this situation? How can I not hurt and yet not turn my back on them like they did Jessica & me?
AAAGGGHHH!!!!!!!

I'm so tired I can't even hold my head up here in my chair. I can't function like this, Lord. I don't want to function like this, God. I'm sick of feeling like this, and even more sick of being a loser, pain-in-the-butt, and burden to my hubby and kids. I finally broke down and made a dr.'s appointment, but I'm scared to go. Scared the dr. will tell me I'm a baby or a hypochondriac. Scared that he will tell me that there is nothing I can do. Scared that I will end up sicker or having to do some drastic thing that could forever change the way our lives go. I just want to be healthy and able to keep on taking care of my family, my students, myself. I was doing so well on weight loss and then I can't even walk without being nauseous!

Lord, I'm so sorry for being a whiner! I want to please You more than I can say.

I'm sorry God,
Rebekah :)