A Prayer From My Heart to Yours, Father

It's Saturday morning; my one day of the week that I am often able to sleep in a bit and not get up at 6:00 or so. But now I can't sleep in because my mind won't let me. I'm thinking about the events of the past week in my children's schools, and I'm pretty upset. I wish there were someone I could call (I tried a couple, but they weren't home or answering their phones), but really, in the end, I just need to keep talking to God anyway. I know He's the only one with answers and solutions. It's just hard to be a mom sometimes (or a dad, I know).

Let me explain. This is going to be very upsetting to my momma & mother-in-law, I know, though, so if you're reading, considered yourself warned. You might just want to stop here. I'm sorry to upset anyone, but I have to get this "off my chest" and I'm hoping this will help me talk to God some more and think about things.

Matthew came home to tell me about his first exam day on Wednesday. Out here, they take a big EOC (end of course) exam. This state is crazy about testing, and the way they do things is ridiculous in my book. So when the kids get done, they have to sit there until everyone is finished- no matter how long it is, two hours, three.... They can't bring in a book to read or a magazine because they might cheat, you know. So he's just sitting there being bored. The girl (I won't call her a young lady) in front of him whips out her Ipod and begins watching a movie, so he started watching over her shoulder. It was a movie based on an MTV show, need I say more. It is the Jack-a... movie. That should have told him enough, but I guess he didn't really know since we don't have cable. I don't know. ??? Anyway, he started telling me some of the stuff he saw. Stupid stuff like guys bungee jumping in their underwear, stupid, but not horrible. Then, he saw a naked man doing something with himself that I can't even put on here. He said that was when he quit watching. Thank God, Matthew!!!! Duh!!! With the name it had, you should have never started. But hopefully, I pray, he had the sense to not look back.

This made me so mad, I can't even describe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ranted to Rob about it for probably an hour.

Then, yesterday after running to pick up Barbara and Robert, and on our way to pick up Matthew, Robert started telling me about his day. In his psychology class with the "ever enlightened" Mr. Rhoades (a longer story there I won't bore you with, let me just say that R & B both have some special teacher that feels they are "enlightened" and want to share it with the world), Robert saw a kid nearby with rubber gloves, a bag of rubbing alcohol, and assorted other "equipment;" he used this stuff to pierce a girl's ear right there in class. Yeah, you heard me right. Robert said there was blood dripping and the guy just put the bloody rags on the desk. He said that the boy, "licked the dripping blood off the girl's ear." Oooooh, that is so gross and wrong and surely the kid knows that blood shouldn't be licked.... Oh my!!!!!!!!!!! But this isn't it; no, it gets "better." Another student watching, started commenting and asking questions. Then the boy and the girl with the pierced ear tried to talk student #3 into getting a piercing, and they succeeded. Right there in class the girl with the pierced ear then pierced student #3' s nose, right there in class. Robert said she was grimacing and groaning and everything.

Where was the teacher? I asked that several times as I was, and still am, completely shocked. How could he not see that?

This is a question I ran by Barbara's swim coach last night at the final meet. Coach's comment- he's probably like a lot of the other Smith teachers- tired, worn out, worn down, and just scared to do anything. Then Coach began to tell me other stuff about the school, and I again, am just appalled.

I am so regretting our decision to put the kids in Smith, and our decision to leave them there. What have we done??????? But, when I dumped on Rob about some of this last night, he said without any shock at all, that that goes on at his school too. I asked him if he'd let it go on in his class- "no." I'm so disgusted!!!!!!!!!!!! What is happening to our kids???? Where are parents, and why are they not doing something? Are we really that in the minority? But when I stop and think about it, I know he's right. I can't run from this and even by pulling Barbara out of Smith (which would be an issue), I wouldn't change anything, not really. I remind myself that in quiet, little, corn fields all-around, middle class, DeWitt, Iowa, Rob told me about the group of female students that made a video of themselves having sex with each other and passed it around the school. There was Barbara's 4th grade teacher whose daughter made a porn movie of herself with the boys from school. There were nude co-ed softball games. The boys who thought it would be a laugh to measure their penises on the digital scales in chem class and did. I'm not going to find a school without this garbage. If I had the money, I'd pull the younger two and put them in a private school. I know they have problems too, but hopefully I'd limit their exposure to more of the sex-related stuff.

Rob and I have made many mistakes that I deeply regret, and I still blow it daily and weekly and often in front of my kids. But, I didn't work this hard to teach my children to love God and to live a life pleasing to Him to have them go to school and learn about homosexuality, bisexuality, teen pregnancy, promiscuity, see pornography (and this is twice that I know of now), and a host of other less important things that just add to my frustration like: body piercings, teachers who feel they're enlightened and want to enlighten other students to their ideas- Buddhism, not voting, and other stuff that goes against what Rob and I have taught the kids. If other people want to let their children run around and do whatever, well it's a free country, but I don't want my children to have lost all sense of innocence. If other teachers want to be a Buddhist or feel that it is wrong to vote, well you're entitled, but what in the world does that have to do with biology class and why are you talking about that instead of teaching my daughter biology so she can pass the AP exam??? This is also the enlightened teacher who feels that since this is a college level class, the students can open up the books and "learn" what they need to know. Must be a result of his being so enlightened; he must really be something that the kids can just absorb the knowledge right out of the text. Wow!

And, the thing that upsets me even more is to know that this is not an out of the norm place, not really. At my grade school, we have kids on the verge of being out of control, many times a week, that are out of control. I can't count the times in a day the "bong" as we call it goes off for a student crisis. We've had students who have destroyed classrooms, attacked teachers, threatened to kill teachers and other students as well as themselves. Disrespect like I've never seen. Little ones who know what sex is and how it is done and try to imitate it on classmates and other students who also know enough to tell the teacher "so and so's 'sexin' her."

God, what is happening to us???????? What am I to do??????????

I've sat here listening to "Lifesong" for over an hour now. God, I know I've failed You many, many times, but You see my heart, right? You know that my biggest desire is to live for You and point the way to You. I'm again, so very sorry for all the times I mess up with my own kids, but God we dedicated them as newborn babes to You, we've tried to give them to You, teach them about You, keep them in church (even when I was miserable), keep them in Your word, limit the garbage that is in our home. God my lifesong is about kids. It's about showing love to the people You put in my life. My lifesong has three kids at the top of it that Rob and I dedicated to you a long, long time ago. Now they're almost grown, and soon will be making all their own decisions with our influence just reduced to example and guidance only, not being able to make any of their decisions or to protect them at all. God, I beg you. They are Yours and always have been. Please, Father, keep them safe, keep them in You, keep them pure in all this filth. Lord, don't let them be tainted by all that they see and hear in a day. Let them not be negatively influenced by their friends and those they sit near in class and see in school. Please keep Rob and I pure and not let us sacrifice our standards. Help us all not change what we watch, listen to, and accept as right or wrong; let us keep Your standards in our mind and not accept anything that doesn't match up to Your truth. If we start to veer, please correct us.

Father, my three children are the first verse of my lifesong. Please let my lifesong sing for You as they are about to step out and form their own lifesongs. Let their lifesongs sing for you now and always. Please hear this mother's cry. I can't see myself in Your eternal home without my children. How could I ever rejoice and worship You knowing I had failed my kids? Please let me not fail them, and keep them from failing You.

And, Lord, will you please give Rob and I something more to keep us strong in parenting through this last leg of childhood? I think my heart is breaking right now and I am so sad. I don't really know what to do about all this mess. What will become of our nation? More importantly, what is going to become of all these young people, these children? God, I am so tired and fed up and really a part of me wishes I could do something else. It's too hard to stand in the gap and have my eyes opened up to the problems in our society and our children's lives. It hurts too much. But I know You paid a price for me and everyone, and You didn't say "It hurts too much." So how can I? I don't really like it at all, but I know You haven't released me yet or if You ever will. How can I quit when you haven't yet given up on our human race? And, really, I don't want to quit, I just want the garbage to go away. Please, Father, you've got to help Rob & I to stay strong in You to keep doing this job. We're both getting worn down out here in NC. This place we're in is a dark one, and right now, Lord, I don't see a light. I'm trying to shine Yours into my world, but today, Lord, I feel like the dark is too strong, too powerful. I know it's not, but it's how it seems right now, like the dark is winning. How can my tiny candle do any good in all that darkness? What good am I? I cling to the other few candles I see in my school, but God how can we really do anything?

Lord, please accept this most deeply held, most important prayer of all of mine, this prayer from my heart to Yours: let my lifesong sing to you, somehow, someway, in my three children-Robert, Barbara, and Matthew- and in the service I give to the students and families I touch at work. Somehow, Lord, let some good come from You through me.