I've been recording some of the firsts of Robert & our family lately- his first election, our first senior pictures, and such. Well tonight marked the first of my "lasts." My last band concert with my oldest child. I was a bundle of emotions- from prouder than proud to happy, sad, nostalgic, and more than I could probably even recognize or name.
It's been a long time since we took that young boy to pick out an instrument. From that night when he tried out several and settled on the french horn. From the time when he had his first band concert, and I was so proud of his rough notes and grinned in understanding at his nerves (though he wouldn't admit it then and probably not now). From all the nights and all the concerts and contests. I look back now and think about how hard it was, financially, to provide that horn- a used one at that- for him, but it was a gift I wanted to give my kids, a talent I wanted them to explore.
Where has time gone? How is it possible this chapter in my life is about to end and another begin? I know the next one will be just as good or even better, and I know I will enjoy watching it unfold before my eyes just as I have loved almost every single moment of this chapter in my life. It's not that I'm sad or afraid of the future; I look forward to all that God may bless us with in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. It's just that I really realize that this time in my life is almost over. No more little ones who need a mommy. It's a bit of sorrow for the times I let slip by me, the moments that I might have missed, the opportunities now gone forever. There are so many things I wanted to do with my kids, things & experiences I wanted to share with them, lessons I should have taught them better, examples I should have set, things I did that I wish I could undo. They're not regrets, but almost.
I know I will adjust to this new part of my life and love it as much, and hopefully even more. I look forward to knowing my children as adults and, I pray, as friends. I look forward to watching them start their own lives, make the big decisions, establish themselves in the adult world, touch lives through their work and ministries, start their own families, add to my life more daughters and a son and grandchildren. But, right now, I'm so not ready to let go of this last page of this chapter. I am going to savor these last few lines before I must turn the page. I am going to read this ending very slowly for it will help me look forward to the next one in my life.
God, I am so very thankful for Your allowing me to be the mommy that I always wanted to be. I can never thank you enough for my children and all the joy and love they've given me, the lessons they've taught me, the happiness and wonderful memories I hold dear in my heart. Help me to savor them, but not hold onto the past. Help me to let go now and release these precious ones back to You who gave them to me for a short time. Keep them in You always and help them to grow closer to You and to rely on You always.
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