Forgiveness and Grace

My prayer tonight is from another song I love,

"Bring me back to the place of forgiveness and grace. I need You, need Your help. I can't do this myself. You're the only one who can undone what I've become."

Today I was not what I should have been. I am angry and hurt and disappointed in a student who lied and half-truthed about me and a family member who called me and very angrily insisted, more like demanded, on my explanation as well as accusing me of treating this child unfairly. I feel very betrayed especially knowing how much love I have given all my kids, including this student. Knowing that I had shared my heart for children with this person so I thought she knew how I felt about my kids- all of them. Knowing, though only Rob & Kristen knew this before, how much of my own personal money I spent to buy this particular child (and not the others) books to be able to continue her reading since she has surpassed my own classroom library. Knowing how I am the only teacher who does a "class store" and the money someone is upset with me about was my own money given freely to my children from my own purse and bank account... I could go on and on, but I shouldn't.

Today, that child thought she could misbehave and I wouldn't discipline her because of the angry phone call I received yesterday. She pushed every button she could today and looked to see if I was watching and what I would do about it.

I am also tired of feeling like I'm supposed to bring grade level together or that it's my fault if it is not. I'm tired of feeling like the odd duck in the group. I'm tired of feeling like a failure because I am different than my coworkers. I don't think I'm something special or better than anyone else, I'm just me trying to be me and be my best- not better than them, just better than I was a day ago or a week ago.

I am just hurt and tired and angry. Some days those hugs and love just almost don't make up for the rough side of teaching. Thankfully, though, I got a hug from the child from whom I would have least expected it, and it came at just the right time. I'll think on that, pray that prayer up above, and ask God to help me to forgive, turn the other cheek, and be able to go in and do my job tomorrow. I'll pray for the family member who is angry with me too, though that is hard.