hard questions

today i found myself trying to answer some hard questions my two oldest asked me. i tried my best, but in the end it only left them still not understanding and i don't really either. how am i supposed to answer them? i don't think there is an answer, oh how i wish there were. something i could say to explain it to them, to explain it to myself. it hurt to hear my kids express a loss they've never expressed before- hurt more than i can say. now i'm left with a big old, very old wound and feeling like i've failed once again somehow, that i should have done more, should have tried harder, reached out more, picked up a phone, or made a trip, or done something- i don't know how or what or even if it would have worked...



i know we just have to take what comes to us and make the best of it. Lord knows i've tried and will keep trying, and they will continue to make good in their lives and hopefully (prayerfully) live for Him their whole lives. i will pick myself up tomorrow and move on, what more can i do, but for tonight i hurt for me, for my family, for my kids, for the unknown. i regret the past and all that ol' damn water under the bridge. i wish the bridge would go away and the water would dry up and we could all go back to the way things used to be, but then, "the way it used to be" wasn't really real either- it was just a dream, a dumb idea of a dumb kid who was too stupid to know it was just fake- all an act. maybe that's what i'm grieving- the idea that was never really real, the family i thought i had that i didn't really ever have.