He Gives and Takes Away

That song has been going through my head all week.
"... He gives and takes away... still my heart will choose to say, "Blessed is Your name...."

This weekend He gave me a chance to meet someone from my daddy's family, someone I haven't seen since I was a little girl, the first person in my daddy's family I've seen in over ten years and the first "real" visit, truly positive meeting I've had with anyone in his family since I got married. It's been quite a weekend- awkward at moments, nerve-inducing, but filled with laughter, tears, and fun. I'm truly grateful for a chance to know someone who carries some of the same dna as my daddy. I hope he is in heaven smiling down on his cousin and my family tonight.

Then I am awoken (is that even a word????) at 12:30 with a call from Illinois- which can only mean something bad is going on. My pop- the man who has loved me as his own for all of my adult life, the only grandfather my kids have ever had, Pop- is lying in a hospital bed having a heart attack, and it sounds bad. I can hear it in my momma's voice, and I so need to be there for her, for him, for me. I'm trying to be ready for anything- the good or the awful. Trying to be where God wants me to be and be content here and yet wanting to be home right this instant to be there by my momma's side as she waits in a hospital waiting room in the dead of night for news good or bad. What if's are trying to roll through my mind, and I'm trying to not focus on them.

God, I know death is part of life. I know it's something we all must face- our own death and the deaths of loved ones. I know he has lived a pretty long life so far, and if You chose to take him home right now, he's ready to meet you. I know we have no guarantee of tomorrow or this afternoon or our next breath. I know You are so wise above me and You see the big picture when I can't see the next step I'm supposed to take... God, what else I know is that right now my momma who has buried one husband is sitting in a waiting room trying to be strong and feeling all kinds of emotions. I know I'm not there to hold her hand or let her cry on my shoulder or just sit with her and keep her company. I know it's not about me, she is a big girl, a grown woman, she has a daughter there, and no one needs Rebekah swooping in "to save the day..." Please just be with Pop, whatever it is please help the dr.s and nurses caring for him to have wisdom. Help Pop not to be too scared or in too much pain and help this to end as quickly as possible. Please God, PLEASE be with my momma right now. Comfort her as You always have in her times of need. Let her feel You sitting there right beside her in the waiting room. Give her strength to face whatever it might be. Be with my sister and her husband who are also there, with my sister who lost her daddy too already and doesn't want to lose another one. And God, if it's possible, please don't take away just yet. And if it's Your will to do so, please help us all to make it through.

I'm going to try somehow to sleep now God. My alarm clock will call me soon enough, and somehow I've got to teach and go on tomorrow no matter what happens.