I need to start this journal entry with a disclaimer. Here goes:
I do not claim to be some wonderful person, or an excellent example of what a true Christ-follower looks like.
I have never been an all-trusting, "God is great all the time," "Praise God and pass the mustard" kind of Christian. My walk with God has been rocky at times. I've questioned Him and doubted Him and been angry with Him and told Him so too. I'm not proud of that, I'm just saying... I don't understand a lot of things. I tell Him. I ask Him things. I tell Him when I'm angry about the injustices I see or hurt for the lives Rob and I work with. I am honest with God- it may not be pretty, and I'm working on it. So far He hasn't struck me down or abandoned me. He hasn't given up on me yet, and for that I am eternally grateful. Maybe there is hope for me.
But may I be honest??? I have a hard time with people who are so spiritual that they aren't "real." I know that's wrong. God loves them, and is proud of them. I should love them too. Maybe those people are what I should be like. Maybe they have struggled too and have just reached a higher plane, and maybe someday I'll get there too. I just hope I NEVER forget where I've been. Never forget the hard times. Never forget how much hurt there is in the world. I'm afraid if I do forget these things I won't be any good to God or anyone else. I have no pat answers. I have no great advice to give. I have no great Christian-ese that I can share. All I have is the knowledge that God loves us- a LOT, and that He is always with us- even when it doesn't seem like it, maybe even more so then- and that is what I have. That, and a big set of shoulders and a pair of leaky eyes that will cry for people I know and don't know- even when I try to fight it.
So what kind of walk do I want to have?
Honestly, though it means pain sometimes, I want the kind of relationship with Christ that makes Him proud of me. And not on the easy days- anyone can say "Praise God" when the sun is shining and the coffee is good and the bills are paid.
I want to make Him proud of me on the worst days- when it's pouring rain and I have a broken umbrella, when I lose my job and can't pay my bills, when my kids are fighting and driving me nuts, when the dog pukes all over the floor and I step in it, when the kids I love are suffering and I love them through the ugliness, when my coworkers aren't happy and the "judge" or the state or the feds may can us all. When life is hard- if I can say "I love You Father and I'm trying my best to trust You..." and my life can show His love through and in spite of my crabbiness or emotions or tiredness... then I will know that I am walking the walk I want.
I think you are closer to that walk you want than you realize girl! So proud of you and your growth in God!
ReplyDeleteThis is some great writing, Rebekah. I always have admired those folks that walk so humbly, daily - even when the storms of life overcome them. I still struggle with this too.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's funny, I was raised in a Methodist church, attending faithfully every Sunday. As an adult, I was still quite spiritual, still believed in Him and had a relationship with Him, but didn't attend church.
ReplyDeleteI felt closer to Him after we lost Hannah than I ever did prior to that. I didn't blame Him, I KNOW there is a purpose and someday maybe I'll know.
Now, with that said, I do still struggle, that's why I look for those things that make my day brighter, those things for which I am grateful, for I can see Him through those things.
I do understand what you mean, though about the injustices you see with your students, having been there myself. It isn't fair and it just isn't right, and how can He allow that to happen to them? How can He allow such horrible things happen to good people? I get it. I really do.