They say God moves in mysterious ways...

There is a song out right now with a title that would offend many Christians. My daughter posted a link the other day to it on Facebook, and she got a comment or two that was negative. I don't know what it says about me that it doesn't, and I'll leave that to others to decide. But I have listened to the song and if you can get past the title the words are really something. This is the song I mentioned the other day. I think it sounds kind of weird perhaps to say that God would use a song with vulgar language in it, but I promise you that is sure what it seems like to me.

You might not know me personally, but I want you to know that I LOVE LOVE LOVE the children at my school- the ones I have taught and the ones I haven't. I get hugs and visits daily from many of my "old" kids and from kids I don't even know by name, only by face that I never taught, and I try to hug them all and give them a bit of my attention. This year, as every year, I have several students who have touched my heart yet drive me crazy with their behaviors. I don't know why I love them some days because they can be quite obnoxious, but I honestly do. I see something in them, and know that kids don't just come out this way. They don't get to choose their lives and the circumstances they find themselves in, they are not emotionally, mentally, or physically equipped or empowered to cope with much of what they see and hear and they see things most of us have never, things we can't fathom, and things they should NOT ever see, hear, know. So, I get up each day and try to love them like Him, put up with all the drama, and help them learn the academics, but most importantly learn how to live and work with others and work out difficulties in better ways. I feel like a failure more this year in so many ways; it's been a year of discouragement and frustration.

Then, I hear this song on the radio while driving with my daughter. I didn't know it had this "naughty" word in it, because it was on the radio and edited. I looked up the words when I got home, and oh my goodness- this song just grabs me. I feel like I should buy it and play it for my kids. I feel this very strongly. This first verse is the life many of my kids may have and I hope they'll find their way out of it somehow. The chorus is what I would like to say to them. And that second verse- it's what this rough, rowdy, troubled class of third graders that many people don't like say to me constantly- "Mrs. T, don't put yourself down. It makes me sad when you... Stop saying bad things about yourself Mrs. T...."

So I bought it and waited for the right moment to play it for my children. After the big reading EOG test, where my kids were persistent through that long, awful test and I didn't have any serious behavior problems (which was an absolute miracle and a FIRST for my class this year- THANK YOU GOD!!!).... I just felt moved to tears with pride in these kids. I turned on my computer and told them I wanted them to listen to the words of this song, that it was our song- my message to them and the message they'd given back to me. I went around my room and as they ate their lunch and listened, I gave each of them a kiss on the top of their heads. When I got around to one particularly troubled child, the chorus "just happened" to come on at that exact point. I said his name, he looked up at me, and I pointed to the speaker and his whole face contorted in tears, he covered his face with both his hands and SOBBED loudly for ten minutes- this street-smart, hardened, tough, prone to angry outbursts, threats, and outright violence- kid. He couldn't even speak. I went on and told every child that no matter what the day, what the problem, how they behaved, I loved them each and every one and thought they were perfect to me and always would. Finally, this young man came up to me and bear-choked me and wouldn't let go. I asked him why he was crying, and could barely talk, but said, "Because you love me." Oh. My. Word. Now it was my turn to try to remain composed. I just held him and cried silently with him. And prayed like I have never prayed in my life. God, I don't know how a simple teacher's love (which is really Your love I know) can overcome all the stuff in his life. He has a lot of his life left with a lot of "stuff" to overcome I'm sure. But somehow, let this moment stick in his young mind. Let it be enough. Let it never be far from him. Let him remember these words and know that somewhere, someone (You and me) love him. Let him, and all my kids, be able to overcome and rise above the "stuff" they are facing.

And today, another one of my kids came up to me out of the blue at breakfast, grabbed onto my waist and squeezed. When I bent down to hug him back, he whispered to me, "Mrs. T. you are absolutely perfect to me."

And as always, I turn to mush inside. ALL, yes all, Rebekah Rose Thomas, all this garbage- the administrator from hell, the stupid criticisms like the slight haze on the whiteboard, the old bulletin board display, the pencils on the floor, the bickering, fighting, cussing, knives, drugs, threats, the daily soap opera drama that drives me insane- all of that was worth it if just one (please, God, let it be more) of these kids can make it. How could I ever put a price on their lives? Who am I to think that my life, my peace of mind, my comfort, my daily life, peace, ease is more important than their success in life and eternity? I felt like a failure all year because "they" were judging me based on the test scores. But the growth that is happening and is yet to be really, truly measured may not be seen by me or my principal or school. If these kids can make it through all their stuff and grow up to like themselves, be well-adjusted adults who love their families and friends, then I was perfect to them.

So on this, the last night of the first round of EOG's- I am reminding myself that my comfort and so-called "ease" is not what this life is about. Thank you God for songs to remind me, for letting me hear the message behind this song, helping me to see how I could use this to touch my children one more time with an important message, and for letting me be the one this year to hang with these kids, love them in spite of the drama, and be a small part of their lives. And thank you for a group of rough, hurting kids to teach me something so many people have tried to tell me.

And though they'll never see this, Chris (and all of you 3rd graders of mine), I am changing those voices, day-by-day-by-day, just like you. One of these days, we're going to like ourselves and overcome all that "stuff" we all have in our lives. Thank you for loving this "old lady" teacher of yours who doesn't always like herself. That is a gift no one can ever take away from me!

Love to you all!

Rebekah/Beka/Mrs. T

xxxxx Perfect by Pink

Made a wrong turn
once or twice
dug my way out
blood and fire.
Bad decisions,
that's alright.
Welcome to my silly life.
Mistreated, misplaced
misunderstood,
Miss "No way its all good."
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken,
always second guessing,
underestimated;
look I'm still around.

Pretty, pretty please
don't you ever,ever feel
like you're less than
less than perfect.
Pretty,pretty please
don't you ever,ever feel
like your nothing.
You are perfect to me.

You're so mean
when you talk
about yourself.
You were wrong.
Change those voices
in your head.
Make them like you instead.
So complicated
look how big you'll make it
filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game.
It's enough I've
done all I can think off.
Chased down all my demons
see you do the same.

Pretty,pretty please
don't you ever,ever feel
like you're less than
less than perfect.
Pretty,pretty please
If you ever,ever feel
like your nothing
You are perfect to me.