I realized a few weeks ago, just how hurt I have been and how far away from the "old Rebekah" I have come. The past three or four years of church and work have left some battle scars and I have tried to heal and move on, but something made me see how hard that has been and how far I still have to go. Now please, before I share, please know that I am not just listing a list of grievances and being an angry, bitter person. I have diligently tried to move on and not be bitter. I'm sharing from my heart, some VERY deep, VERY personal hurts that have shaped who I am today- for better or for worse. If you feel I am wrong, please just pray for me.
I won't bore you with details, but let's just say that growing up in church, I've seen a lot of God, but also a lot of not-God. As a church member, I've seen a lot. As a preacher's kid from my late teen years through adulthood, I've seen a lot. Rob & I (and our young children) have been escorted from church & asked to not come back because my shoes were "offensive" (a clean but cheap pair of canvas sneakers bought at Walmart). I've been told by a pastor's wife to have an abortion because God doesn't like unplanned pregnancies in poor folks apparently. I've been the subject of sermons after confiding in a pastor. Apparently insomnia is caused by hidden sins and God was trying to strike me down for my arrogance. Rob had to be called out by a church committee because he was not really a Christian due to his bad habit of tardiness and his desire to befriend a lonely guy in the church instead of going to pray at pre-worship prayer time. Suffice it to say that in more than one place we've not measured up to the ideals/standards of God or a particular church's view of God. When I look back, I don't think I've felt accepted at a church for a long, long time. We always fall short somehow, someway. I have felt like a misfit for years now.
After the last time- two years ago- I told Rob I would NEVER step my foot across the door of any specific denomination, I would NEVER join and become an official member of any church, and that I would NEVER go to church in a small church where people would be able to be "up in your business" and know you and watch you to judge you. So we looked and visited and struggled for a while. I am so thankful though because we do have a church we truly do like now. I am always glad when we get there, but I still get stuck and can't get through it. I know it, and yet I don't know how to fix it. It's been two years now since the last "church thing." It's now the summer of 2011- my cousins, Pam & Regina, come to visit us. We go to church together. It is communion Sunday. I get sick to my stomach as soon as we walk in and I realize what today is. See, I haven't gone up and taken communion in all this time. Rob has brought communion to me sometimes, but very few times have I taken it even then (and mostly because I wanted to set a good example for my kids). I have not taken my own self up to the front of a church and received communion in all this time because I know the truth about me- that no one (except God who knows it all and Rob who lives with me) knows. It really hit me that Sunday morning how far I've gone from that "old girl." It got me thinking...
The "old Rebekah" (let's call her OR for this part) was in church every time the doors were open- morning service, evening service, Bible studies, prayer nights, revivals. OR was very involved in church- Sunday School, Children's Church, playing her saxophone, singing occasionally, cleaning the church, helping with every event that came along in whatever she could find to do. OR knew these were the ways you expressed your love to Him. OR knew that a faithful Christian did these things. OR tried to not let anyone down, tried to get out of her bashfulness and greet others, invite people to church, always took communion after reflection and prayers for forgiveness. OR had it together in "church-ways." She was a good Christian, or at least she met the "good Christian" standards found in most churches.
This Rebekah- well I've already talked this through with Rob and called my Momma to share with her, so I guess I'll take the risk and bare my soul with you too. This Rebekah, well I'm none of those things, and that's a lot of why I've felt like and called myself a bad Christian for years and years now. That's why I do really live in fear that I won't "get in" to heaven someday, why I worry about it sometimes. It's why if I do get in, I will be more than content to just sit quietly in some corner of heaven and be quiet and not bother anyone. God doesn't even have to speak to me, look at me, or mess with me at all. I won't even try to bother Him or come near Him. I'll just be oh so thankful for being there. See this Rebekah, she isn't faithful in her church attendance; I do go to church, don't get me wrong. But I also miss church more than I'd admit to anyone, and it's not because I want to miss church. I'm always glad once we've gotten in the doors, but the path from my home, out to the car and down the road is an awful, really awful, weekly battle. This Rebekah hopes to just sit in the back and not be noticed by anyone. It's taken me over a year and a half of going to this church and I just talked to two of our pastors for the first time in the past couple months. I don't do anything in the church; I used to try to get involved, but now, after all these "church things" I know I'm not worthy to be teaching anyone's kids or doing anything in the church. I greet others at the "meet & greet" times and smile and am friendly to those I sit near and pass coming in/going out, but I don't really know anyone there. I would like to sometimes, but I'm terrified to at the same time. I feel like I'm keeping the real me a secret because if they find out, well like all the others, they won't like me/us either. No one has in a long, long time. Or worse yet, you think they do, but then you find out they don't really and you just were stupid and thought they did. That hurts even more, and I don't want to do that again- ever!
The thing is, I actually feel closer to God, in the craziest place. I am a teacher in one of those "failing schools" - I've taught in worse schools before, but it's certainly not an easy place to work. The past two years I've felt like I've been walking through hell honestly; it is certainly a challenging place to be many days. But, I feel God with me, know His pleasure and love more in my public school classroom than anywhere else I go. When I am hugging kids, holding a crying/hurt child and secretly, and sometimes not-so-secretly, praying for them in my head, when kids run up to hug me, when I love an angry, violent child in spite of their issues... well it's those times when I almost think God is smiling at me. When I get love back from countless kids (and honestly, it's almost embarrassing how much love I get from the kids at school), I feel like it's God giving me a hug back. I feel His warmth and love so much in what is supposed to be a "heathen" place. I feel like I please Him there. I feel like He is happy with me and I am where I ought to be. I KNOW that I KNOW I am a better teacher for having felt the sting of rejection, for knowing how the criticisms and disapproval of others feel. I am glad for having experienced it for I know how to not do that to my students and to their families. I feel like a misfit amongst adults at work too, but when I'm with the kids- OH, the love and acceptance I feel- nothing else really matters to me. I am loved by my family and by a host of kids and their families and when I am at work, I KNOW I am loved by God.
So I am struggling with all this, trying to figure it out. I know I need to fix these "church issues" I have. And without realizing it, I have put up a wall- not a wall between me & God. He & I talk frequently, and I feel Him around and in my life all the time. But I do have a big wall when it comes to church and other Christians. I never meant to; I didn't really even realize I had done it. I have started knocking this wall down. I did go get communion with my family that Sunday- got out of my seat, walked in the aisle and took it. Funny thing- for whatever reason, the servers actually came down the aisle that day- they've never done that before that I've seen. :) Maybe God was meeting me halfway??? I don't know- maybe I'm just silly and see God in everything when He's not (well I do that I know!). I've also started reading my Bible again- something I'm not proud to admit, but I wasn't doing faithfully. I've just felt so unworthy for so long, but I'm trying to fix that.
Where I am going, I don't really know. I am sure I will not drop this wall tomorrow because inside there is a very scared Rebekah, but I will keep trying to take out one stone at a time and peek out carefully and keep going. I know I'll get hurt again because people are not perfect, just like I'm not. I know I'm going to have to accept that and let it happen and be okay with that. And honestly I'm not there yet, so my wall is going to stay up a little until I can let God really get in there and heal my heart. In the meantime, I'll keep reading my Bible, loving and being there for my family, loving on kids & families with all my heart, trying to accept me for who I am, going to church more and more faithfully, making myself get out of my seat to take communion even when I know I am awful, and as always talking to Him (He probably gets tired of hearing from me some days :), but I know He loves me so it's okay.). I'll get there eventually.
And when you get to heaven, if you see me in the corner of heaven, off hiding, well you'll know I made it. You don't have to speak to me if you don't want to, but if you do, I promise I'm a good hugger. :)
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