Goodbye Summer, Hello 2011-12 School Year

Staying up late, sleeping late, reading, movies, Plants vs. Zombies, walks, laughter, visits from my family back home, cooking, relearning how to sew, family time- that's how I've spent my six weeks off. This was the first summer that I have not taught summer school, babysat, or tutored. This is the first summer I have not worked on school stuff, and oh how nice it has been! I started summer with my Momma, Pop, sister, brother-in-law, and niece here for graduation. On Fathers' Day, my cousin, Regina and her family popped by for lunch with us, and then in July, Regina came back and brought another cousin, Pam, to see us. They stayed for a few days, and oh, what fun we had- staying up WAY late, laughing like crazy women, shopping at every craft/fabric store in G'boro plus countless trips to Walmart- hehehehe, eating Regina's delicious cheesecakes, sewing and sewing and more laughing!!!! I've really relaxed and taken me-time this summer, which is something I don't think I've ever done before.

But all the time, I've been scared inside. I've told Rob and my Momma, but it's been more than I've even told them. The bad dreams about work started two weeks ago, and my stomach has bothered me more, but the anxiety has really hit this week. I have never been one to have anxiety/panic attacks, but I think that is what I am experiencing, and it is NOT fun. I know I'll get through this. I just wish I didn't have to. I wish that teaching had not become what it has. I wish it was still all about the kids and the politics and pressures weren't ruining it. I wish I didn't feel so burned out, so stressed, and so useless. But being totally honest, I feel completely like a waste of space and a failure as a teacher. I hope & pray I am not. Momma told me yesterday (and deep down inside-where it counts- I think she is right) that once I am with the kids it will come back.

I have some goals for myself for this year:

• get better organized- After moving around grades and classrooms for the past few years I have a lot of stuff and it's not well organized. Barbara is going to help me this week unpack my new room, declutterize :), and organize.
• be a better reading teacher- I feel that I am stronger at teaching math, so I want to work really hard on becoming a better reading teacher. I have bought a couple books that I am working on reading towards that goal, and am excited to try some new structures in my literacy block.
• have the data to back up myself- Last year I was burned by the "data-god loving people." Not this year! I plan to have a BIG data notebook prepared as I did before when I was in the lower grades, and it will include behavior data. See I'm pretty good with kids who have behavior issues, and if only I would have documented in cute, color-coded charts and graphs last year the growth... well I would have at least had that on my side. "That" woman still wouldn't have liked me, "those" people at work still would have said their snotty things and had their data to back them up, but I would have had something at least. I learned my lesson, and this year, it's all about the data! I will have data for math, reading, behavior, you name it- I'm going to have it! I don't have to like the game, but I will learn how to play it and play it well!!!! I have to avoid the dreaded "ineffective teacher" label so that I can keep doing this thing I was called to do.
• continue the good things I started this year, namely, taking care of me- I am leaving at a decent hour at least three days a week (not letting myself get sucked in more than I have to), walking regularly, wearing my pedometer - I love that thing!, eating well, drinking more water, writing down here some positives about myself, my day, my life- "I Like Me's" as Crystal called them. Plus I have started a God-journal, and I want to keep that with me daily so I can write down things between God & me no matter where I am.
• learn to forgive myself- now THERE is a challenge!!!!!

I have really come to the end of myself, but I am finding that God is there, as He always is. I'm so thankful for that because if He weren't, I couldn't walk into that door tomorrow. He was really with me this past week when I had to go to a leadership retreat- I felt so peaceful (of course the mountains have that effect on me too, but this was definitely God!). I know He will go with me and help me; I'm counting on that!

There is a Matthew West song, "Strong Enough" that I have heard but it really hit home with me this week. He sings, "I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be. I give up... Lord I'm asking You to be strong enough for both of us..." That's me- I can't be what I'm supposed to be on my own, Lord. There are some kids and families who will count on me, and I can't let them down. I don't know how to come back from the burn-out, betrayal, and hurt I feel inside, and I'm scared that I can't "come back." But this I know. I was made to be a teacher; I have no doubt that God formed me for this work. I know He called me, and I know He is carrying me through this rough time. I wish I wasn't experiencing this, but I know I will learn something useful and when I look back I'll be glad for the experience.

God, walk in there with me and help me come back, please. Because this is a big part of who Rebekah is and she truly does adore those kids.

Ready or not, God, here we go. The school bell is calling us, Father.

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For those who pray for me (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU), I might start putting prayer needs here too if that's okay.

• My back is really giving me trouble after last week's retreat and sitting in chairs all day. I need God to heal this permanently and help me. When it gets bad like this it interferes with my walking.
• I also have all the symptoms of a stress fracture in my left foot (have had one there before) and it is bothering me. I want to keep walking to get healthier. Please pray for these with me.
• All my old kids as they move to 4th grade, a few at new schools. Pray God will help them have good teachers who will see the good inside them and love them too.